Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Victim #3

I'm hoping that more candidates enter Pittsburgh's Mayoral Race as I've effectively run out of people to mock. I'm hoping that this series will inspire more people to open themselves up to public ridicule, that is, without having to run on the Constitution Party Ticket. If Les Ludwig and/or Joe Weinroth set up campaign sites, I will also thoroughly mock them... I mean their sites.

The previous victims are found here and here. But now Victim #3 :

Michael Lamb

By the looks of his photo, Michael Lamb seems to be angling for the semi-influential block of voters with heads shaped vaguely like buckets. Not nearly as creepy as good Bobby O's "Dirty Shop Teacher" photo, but still unsettling. Makes you wonder what the rejected photos look like; I'm guessing they made him look more like Gumby.

And look, Mike's left a little note for us. I've decided to write back to him, as is common courtesy:

Dear Mikey,

I'm a smarmy blogger and welcome to my online mocking of your webpage. Please indulge me as I pick at the little foibles of your site and the inanity of your political ideals by comparing them to various bodily excrements and 80s sci-fi movies.

I am looking forward to this opportunity to add nothing to this conversation with you and to share my thoughts and visions about the future of hard-core man on goat porn. This web site is a central point for inane commentary on nothing in particular.

Please visit my website as I continue to ramble mindlessly. In addition, thank you for opening yourself up to public scorn and ridicule. If it weren't for people like you, I wouldn't have anything in particular to write about.

Hugs and Squishy Kisses,

The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

P.S. If you are finished with the hairdryer, could you please pop it in the mail?
I hope Mike writes me back. We've grown so distant as of late.

Michael Lamb, 42, is an attorney admitted to practice in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania; very few lawyers actually admit to practicing in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. He has received his JD from the University of Pittsburgh, his MPM from Carnegie Mellon, his BA from Penn State, his TQM from DED, POS, QED, LMNOP. Etc.

Mikey is currently the Prothonotary of Allegheny County.

In the words of Harry S Truman: "What the Hell is a Prothonotary?"

Well, according to, a prothonotary is one of a college of 12 ecclesiastics charged with the registry of important pontifical proceedings. Why Pittsburgh is the repository for Papal documents is beyond me, but if His Holiness is involved, it's got to be OK. We should give Il Papa a call about the City of Pittsburgh budget crisis. I hear his accountants are infallible.

Mike also enjoys long walks on the beach, real strawberries on ice cream, sad songs at midnight, filing things under the letter "Q," and photos that make him look dopey.

His turnoffs include people that leave the toilet seat up, wicker, and Bob O'Connor.

[It's at this point, that "O" is going to go for more Bourbon. This page is painful.]
[Deep Breath]

If you've never had Maker's Mark Bourbon, you must try it some time. It's both Oaky and Smooth... and it'll help you get through Mike Lamb's News Page.

The Left Side of the Page are various news items/editorials. I'm going to ignore them as I... I... I really don't care enough to read them all, especially having read the Right side of the page..

The Right Side of the Page are the Press Releases.

Ugh. [Big Gulp of Bourbon] Here goes a brief overview:

Strong Showing for Lamb
Mikey explains that by losing by nearly 2:1 to Bobby O in the endorsement race, he's actually won. Now, the City of Pittsburgh can move forward, not backwards, and not slouch in the corner, pretending to be interested in the CD collection so that someone might try and strike up a conversation with us.

Lamb Plan for Pittsburgh: First Address City Finances
Platitude, Pandering, Pandering, Crap, Crap, Cliches, More Crap, Meaningless Jargon, Idea 1 (outsource tax collection), Uninformed Idea, Non-Solution, Uninformed Idea, Meaningless Cliche, half-assed pledge, Idea 2 (City-County COG... an idea that may be unworkable), Crap, Crap, Filler, Filler, Filler.

OK, two real ideas out of 625 words, not bad... unfortunately only one of those is unique to Mikey (tax outsourcing). Although, I must say, I don't trust either the County or the Commonwealth anymore than I would trust the City. Just because they can hide their mess doesn't mean that they are in any better shape.

Most of the other "Ideas" he has are things that the city is doing anyway, albeit slowly.

Moving on...

"Where's the Beef, Bob?"
Mikey turns to a senior citizen and asks him "What's your problem?".

Lamb Blasts O'Connor for Ducking Responsibility
Mikey tells said senior citizen to step outside if he has a problem.

Michael Lamb: Let's Give Voters a Clear Choice
Mikey shoves a broken bottle in senior citizen's face and shouts "Stitch that Bobby!"

Geez, I will gladly vote for Mikey for the position of "Angry, Fightin' Bureaucrat." I want to party with this cowboy, but I have a feeling that he's the kind of mayor that would hork in the back seat of your Geo Metro after a long night of Bureaucratic debauchery (prepared in triplicate). Dude is evidently pissed about something and if he had as much Bourbon as I've had, we could both go requisition, say, Du Bois.

Pizzburgh Bureaucratz 4 Life (as per USC 42 Chapter 68(I) § 5122 (2), biatches)!

On that note, Mikey likes drinking... and Irish Bands. Awesome.

He also likes long walks at 10 AM on Saturdays and 11 AM on Sundays.


Wha? Did someone say Prothonotary?


BIG let down after the bureaucratic rave that was the EVENTS PAGE.


Let's see, I volunteered Bob O'Connor to place a yard sign at his house. I hope that wasn't a conflict of interest.

If you're interested in more information...

I'm not


I tried to donate a pint of B- at this page, but it didn't let me. Ungrateful bitches.

I also tried to send a Czech, but Vaclav wouldn't fit in the envelope.

Final scores:
(1) Eye Roll: Strong Showing for Lamb
Mikey, Denile ain't just a River in Egypt.
(2) Yeah...and...: Lamb Plan for Pittsburgh: First Address City Finances
Good try, but a lot of ideas that don't go anywhere, like this little gem:
In addition, large tracts of land where public housing communities once stood lie vacant and unused. This property must become productive once more, and Lamb pledged that his administration will make that happen.
(3) Buzzword:
Well, I didn't knock Billy-boy for his overuse of "Leadership," and I only gave a minor slap on the wrist to Bobby for his trite cliches. Mikey's punishment is to FIX THE MAIN PICTURE SO HE DOESN'T LOOK SO DAMNED GOOFY!!!


Nice balance between text and the word "LAMB"... but why is there is a big black spot in the middle of the "A"? Is that the vortex to some parallel dimension where giant hair and flashing webpages cause little children to cry? Can we use it to hunt down and kill Sarah Connor?

Michael Lamb is a goofy looking, but pissed off prothonotary....whatever a prothonotary is.

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