Fun with City Budgets

If you are like me, you spend this time of year waiting for the unveiling of the City Budget like a child waiting for Saint Nicholas and presents on Christmas Eve. Alternatively, if you're like me, you spend this time of year waiting for the unveiling of the City Budget like a child waiting for Knecht Ruprecht and severe beatings on Christmas Eve. The waiting is the same but the outcome is very, very different. So, this article in the P-G today got me giddy:

The city's 2007 budget is due to state overseers on Thursday. Mr. Ravenstahl has said he'll make that deadline and put his stamp on the spending plan while embracing the late Mayor Bob O'Connor's agenda of cleaner, safer streets.

It could be a defining moment for a politician who is a blank slate for most Pittsburghers, and who may face voters as early as next year.

"It is important, and we're prepared to submit that budget on Thursday," said the mayor, who took office Sept. 1. He promised some "wrinkles" that "are important to me" and would differentiate his approach from Mr. O'Connor's.

Look at me: goosebumps!

In order to avoid last year's embarrassment of rushing down to the City-County Building to see what the budget elves have left for me (only to find a very angry Ellen McClean under the tree instead), I came up with a different plan of attack. With an admixture of sleuthing, dumpster diving, and bribing a very drunk Paul Leger who was on his front lawn chasing away imaginary bats, I managed to find a very crude, preliminary budget written on the back of an Eat n' Park children's menu.

So, without further adieu, here are the highlights of what I discovered:

REVENUES:
The Ravenstahl Administration is proposing a series of sweeping new taxes in order to meet the requirements of the Act 47 board including a "mullet tax" on people with business up front and partying in the back.

The department of Finance is also estimating revenue from the Casino at "eleventy zillion, bagillion dollars," although with a note that they may be overestimating the amount slightly.

Luke's biggest proposal is reverting back to the land/building split which will, in the short run, reduce the overall tax revenue but in the long run increase the value... [snicker].... of the... [snicker].... [snicker]... BWHAHAHA! No, no seriously... another bagillion dollars in revenue from slots.

Finally, the administration is proposing selling off the City's portfolio of delinquent tax liens to some guy from Nigeria for about $30,000,000.

EXPENSES:
I found more details on the Expense side of the budget, and I'm suspicious that there are some shenanigans going on. Take a look at the following expenses I found:
Caramel Corn..................... $10,000
Jazzercise...................... $15,000
Hookers.......................... $1,000
Blow............................. $3,000
Levitating Tables................$10,000
One Million Dollars...........$2,000,000
Pony............................ $50,000
Pony Maintenance............... $100,000
Pony Food....................... $10,000
Dead Pony Removal................ $7,500
Dick Skrinjar Food.............. $10,000
This one which looks like it's penciled in Ravenstahl's own hand writing says
I pwn3d joo sux0rs............ $5,000,000
And last but not least:
Buyback Nigerian Liens.......$32,000,000

SUMMARY:
By my calculations, we should end up with a surplus of about ten zillion bagillion dollars.... plus or minus 9.9999 zillion bagillion dollars, or so.