Thursday, September 14, 2006

An Open Letter to Client #350

Dear Client #350,

Because of the nature of my business at The Bureaucracy, I am prohibited from expressing a serious opinion on a variety of items. Under the terms of government service, I am supposed to be above reproach and, except as authorized by statute or regulation, with complete impartiality and with preferential treatment for none. This, indeed becomes an issue in more difficult and professionally trying times. There comes a time, however, when the nature of reality compels oneself to express a sentiment beyond the common niceties of society.

So, let me break down conventions and declare that, you, sir, are an asshole.

No, that would be impolitic and impolite and invites both hurt feeling and lawsuits, so let me rephrase that:

You sir, SEEM to be an asshole.

I don't know what exactly it was. Perhaps it was the fact that I supported your work and gave you an equal chance, even though my colleagues cautioned me against it, only to have you stab me in the back.

Or, maybe it was the way that you threatened to go over my head to my boss, my boss's boss, and my boss's boss's boss and condemn me for, ironically, following the rules and, more importantly, the Law.

Or perhaps it was the way that you have tried to bully and threaten me in order to get your way, even though what you are demanding is both unethical and illegal.

No, it was definitely the way that you insulted me personally and professionally, impugning my integrity, not just as a human being but as a bureaucrat.

Still, the jokes on you: I've documented everything. Despite your outlandish claims, I have followed every rule, regulation, and law pertinent to my profession and I have followed through in sending every decision to the great bureaucratic archive in my desk. Everything that I have done has been completely above the board and on level. Besides, I know the horrible, awful things that you tried to do to The Bureaucracy in the past; the people may change, but the memories remain. Should you try anything and besmirch my record, I have paperwork to support my decisions up the asshole.

Which brings me back to you, asshole.

You are a festering taint stain on the underwear of humanity. You are a horrible excuse for a human being, who chooses to substitute his on perverted version of reality for real reality. You are emotionally and intellectually inferior to most people on the planet, with the possible exception of the people that cancelled Arrested Development. If you substituted your face and your ass, I doubt that people would now the difference. I would beat you about the head until you suffered from permanent brain damage, but I doubt that anyone would know the difference. You are delusional, obstinate, and, frankly, a poor excuse for a human being. You are the best reason I have heard why abortion should continue to be legal in this country. I wish a pox on your children, your children's children, and your children's children's children's children.

You'll notice that I left our your children's children's children, mostly because I want to give them a false sense of security as they slowly go mad from, let's say... Syphilis.

So, if you could please, quickly die and burn in hell, I would be most appreciative.

In sum: get bent asshole.


The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

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