Wednesday, November 15, 2006

100 Hours

Between the whole election thingee and the Steelers actually winning a friggin' game, my mind hasn't actually been focused or coherent and stuff. It is now time to up my dosage of Ritalin... or cut it, I can't remember which.

Anywho, while I was smashed out of my mind on Bourbon and Vicodin, the soon-to-be-probably-Speaker-of-the-House-unless-she-gets-hit-by-a-bus-
oh-God-I-just-jinxed-it-dammit-dammit Nancy Pelosi outlined what the Democratic Majority will do in the first 100 Hours of taking power. Included on this list is:

  • Put new rules in place to "break the link between lobbyists and legislation.

  • Enact all the recommendations made by the commission that investigated the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001.

  • Raise the minimum wage to $7.25 an hour, maybe in one step.
  • Actually, the list is pretty short... which, considering that it's only the first 100 hours means that Congress only has 7 short weeks to act on it; 5 if they start working full days on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

    But, I did I little digging* and called up a few friends* on Capitol Hill* to see if there was anything else that soon-to-be-probably-Speaker-of-the-House-unless-a-plane-drops-on-
    her-my-God-I-did-it-again-what-is-wrong-with-me Nancy Pelosi had in the list that she wasn't revealing. Sure enough:
  • Jack Murtha will arm wrestle every son-of-a-bitch in the House, including the House Clerk;

  • House cleaning staff will spend 100 hours scrubbing the stench of hot sweaty page out of Mark Foley's former office;

  • A bill will be presented for the more effectual preventing clandestine Outlawries; simultaneously in the Senate, Harry Reid will introduce a bill for the better regulating of Select Vestries;**

  • Charlie Rangel will perform his 100 hour rendition of In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida;

  • 95 Hours of panicked flop sweat from actually being in charge of something for once;

  • Mandate that all lobbyists grow a Snidley Whiplash mustache:

  • Find Senator Kennedy's pants;

  • Take Constitution out of the Men's room toilet;

  • Inform Sen. Lott that despite his new title, he will not be whipping any minorities;

  • Replace "Freedom Fries" with more accurately named "Freedom Grease Soaked Strips of Potato Like Substance and Salt;

  • Duct Tape Sen. Kerry's mouth shut;

  • Rewatch old episode of Schoolhouse Rock about Bill becoming a Law;

  • Bitchin' kegger;

  • Awkward Freshman Mixer;

  • Learn to stop giggling when the President tries to say "bi-partisan";

  • Impeach the President and maybe W, if they get around to it;

  • Three words: Electoral spanking machine.

  • So that's it. As for the remaining 1900 hours, well...

    *This is a blatant lie.
    ** Based on my readership profile, exactly one person laughed at this joke. I assure you, however, that it is very clever. Thanks for the pity laugh, Mike.

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