100 Hours

Between the whole election thingee and the Steelers actually winning a friggin' game, my mind hasn't actually been focused or coherent and stuff. It is now time to up my dosage of Ritalin... or cut it, I can't remember which.

Anywho, while I was smashed out of my mind on Bourbon and Vicodin, the soon-to-be-probably-Speaker-of-the-House-unless-she-gets-hit-by-a-bus-
oh-God-I-just-jinxed-it-dammit-dammit Nancy Pelosi outlined what the Democratic Majority will do in the first 100 Hours of taking power. Included on this list is:

Put new rules in place to "break the link between lobbyists and legislation.

Enact all the recommendations made by the commission that investigated the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001.

Raise the minimum wage to $7.25 an hour, maybe in one step.

Actually, the list is pretty short... which, considering that it's only the first 100 hours means that Congress only has 7 short weeks to act on it; 5 if they start working full days on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

But, I did I little digging* and called up a few friends* on Capitol Hill* to see if there was anything else that soon-to-be-probably-Speaker-of-the-House-unless-a-plane-drops-on-
her-my-God-I-did-it-again-what-is-wrong-with-me Nancy Pelosi had in the list that she wasn't revealing. Sure enough:

Jack Murtha will arm wrestle every son-of-a-bitch in the House, including the House Clerk;

House cleaning staff will spend 100 hours scrubbing the stench of hot sweaty page out of Mark Foley's former office;

A bill will be presented for the more effectual preventing clandestine Outlawries; simultaneously in the Senate, Harry Reid will introduce a bill for the better regulating of Select Vestries;**

Charlie Rangel will perform his 100 hour rendition of In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida;

95 Hours of panicked flop sweat from actually being in charge of something for once;

Mandate that all lobbyists grow a Snidley Whiplash mustache:

Find Senator Kennedy's pants;

Take Constitution out of the Men's room toilet;

Inform Sen. Lott that despite his new title, he will not be whipping any minorities;

Replace "Freedom Fries" with more accurately named "Freedom Grease Soaked Strips of Potato Like Substance and Salt;

Duct Tape Sen. Kerry's mouth shut;

Rewatch old episode of Schoolhouse Rock about Bill becoming a Law;

Bitchin' kegger;

Awkward Freshman Mixer;

Learn to stop giggling when the President tries to say "bi-partisan";

Impeach the President and maybe W, if they get around to it;

Three words: Electoral spanking machine.

So that's it. As for the remaining 1900 hours, well...

---
*This is a blatant lie.
** Based on my readership profile, exactly one person laughed at this joke. I assure you, however, that it is very clever. Thanks for the pity laugh, Mike.