Nemo me impune lacessit, bitches

I was going to write on the thrilling announcement that Mike Dawida was running for Pittsburgh City Controller, but the sheer thrill of five people* running for chief auditor was just too much of a thrill for me. I believe that I may have the vapors, thrilling though they may be.

So instead, I'm going to focus on the true controversy that is facing our fair City: what to designate as Carnegie Mellon University's Mascot. From the P-G:

Every year, an anonymous student at Carnegie Mellon University struts around football games costumed head to paw as a Scottish terrier.

If it walks like a mascot and wags like a mascot, one could reasonably assume the "Scottie Dog" at Carnegie Mellon is precisely that.

Only it's not.

As it turns out, a school that has programmed robots for space exploration and cracked some of the world's trickiest computing riddles nevertheless falls short by one measure of problem solving skill: It has never in its 106-year history come up with an official mascot.

So the school has formed a task force to do something about it. The panel is asking students, alumni and others if the Scottie Dog now used informally ought to be Carnegie Mellon's official image, or if something else -- a robot, say, or maybe a bagpiper -- better suits a university with Scottish roots that has produced both Nobel Prize winners and Hollywood stars.

Personally, the thought of a beefed up little rat dog doesn't particularly inspire confidence in me. A Scottie Dog doesn't say to the opposing team: "We're going to kick your ass"... of course, neither does the CMU Football team.

I think that a more apropos mascot, one that would acknowledge the school's Scottish character**, would be something like The Highlander, and no, I'm not talking about Conor MacLeod (although the thought of decapitations and lightening would bring a certain drama to thee halftime events) or the robotic Hummer.*** I'm thinking of the Queen's own, who struggled with single-minded bloody determination, through the harshest of conditions, fed only on whiskey.

Sort of like CMU Students during Carnival...only with less vomiting and groping.

Or perhaps, the mascot should be named after some famous Alumnae: The Klugmen, spring to mind. Or the Holly-Hunters, perhaps. Or, better still, the Auberjonoises.

Unfortunately, those suggestions certainly don't do justice to an institution whose school colour is plaid and flower is a weed. A school that is charting new grounds in both technology and the liberal arts needs a mascot befitting this noble heritage. Therefore, I suggest the new CMU mascot: the Apotheosis of Praxis.

Or Lobster Boy. Yeah, that would work too.

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*Compare this to the two candidates that are running for mayor. If the Internet has taught us anything, it is that it's easier to criticize someone for doing a job than to do the job yourself.

**Copper wire was first developed at CMU by two administrators in the Financial Aid Department fighting over a penny.

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Tag(s): Carnegie Mellon University