Tuesday, January 30, 2007

An Open Letter to Jim Motznik

Dear Councilman Motznik,

Most of the time these open letters are scathing rebukes to unnamed persons, countries, or states of mind and not narrowly focused on one specific, identifiable person. In this case, however, we figured we'd make an exception. We and, indeed, nearly everyone in the Pittsburgh Online Community (the "Burghosphere" as it is occasionally, affectionately called) has noticed your little foray into online publishing world. We have also noted the use of this medium to attack critics of... well... we're not quite sure of "what" yet, but we get the feeling that it somehow devolves back to you. Still, now that you have made yourself known to this virtual community and, before you begin putting up "hit counters" or "blogrolls" or sign up for Pittsburgh Bloggers, we have one small nugget of wisdom for you Councilman that may save you years of embarrassment:


This is not a threat, by the way; this is a well thought out, reasonable piece of advice.

You are not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy. The simple rules of etiquette that you may have experienced in "the Real World" do not apply anymore. You are not a City Councilman anymore, just a douche with a keyboard and a cable modem... just like the millions of other douches with keyboards and cable modems. These millions of other douches have no regard for civility, niceties, or pleasantries. They are a vicious pack of dogs (Douche-hounds, if you would) salavating over the mailman that just walked through the gate. This will not end well for you.

We must say that you've actually gone out of your way to rile up some of the more antagonistic elements of the Burghosphere. We wonder if you are the kind of person that willingly throws rocks at hornets nests, waves red flags at bulls, or flicks Andy Sheehan's love spuds with a wet towel. These are not the kinds of things that sensible men (or women) do.

I mean seriously, you drew attention to a story that was already winding down. If you had just let the thing die, it would have. Instead, we have another news cycle of this pap about Luke and teh cops. You're the awful student in the back of class screaming "Teacher, you didn't assign us any homework yet!" If you and Luke are supposed to be "friends," the Mayor should seriously consider making you an enemy, if for no other reason than for safety.

And, of course, you decided to sink your newly found cybermedia chops into John MacIntyre, a man who is now almost complete bereft of media empire. Fester has more media pull than John these days. Jim, you could have called Rich Lord or your friends in the real media and said that you thought that something was up, but instead you go shooting your damned mouth off. Now you look like a yutz, which does not bode well for your cyber ambitions.

We noticed that you have not enabled comments on your blog as of yet, probably, one would suppose, in hopes of staving off the vicious commentary that would surely ensue. You may have thought that this would have solved the problem, but, in reality, you've just moved the discussion to other more seedy venues, of which you have no control. Eventually someone will come up with a parody blog "Jim Motznik Speaks Up" or "Jim Motznik Eats Puppies" or "Jizz Shitsprick Comes Out" or something like that. It won't be pretty for you, but the parody blog will have 10x the content and quality, and probably show a continual loop of the video of you running from the television cameras, and will thus draw more readers than your blog.

And then one day, some old, blue haired constituent will ask you at bingo "So why did you change your name to Jizz Shitsprick?"

But most important of all, and one that any person in your position should have figured out long ago: what you post here is now public record. In real life, you can avoid the cameras, set up spin doctors, or deny that what you said was what you said. In this world of blogs, you have effectively committed your words for eternity. You can't get them back now; someone's already cached them somewhere. When you least expect it, they will be dredged up and thrown in your face like sewage (you know what that is, right?).

Moreover, Councilman, you had to drop the S-word in your first post. Now, for those anonymous bloggers out there, it doesn't really matter. You, however, are a public figure! You remember when Cheney called that reporter a "Major League Asshole" or when he told a Senator to "Go Fuck Himself?" You do not have the latitude of the Vice President of the United States of America. You are the Councilman that represents all those bingo-playing blue-haired grannies in Overbrook. While, I'm sure that they've uttered a profane word or two in their lives, now they are going to be continually reminded that you are a dirty, dirty potty-mouth.

And finally, Jim: you may not realize this, but there are a whole lot of people on these here interwebs that survive on nothing more than blood. Your blood. My blood. Anyone's blood. Unless you are willing to go toe-to-toe with these psychopathic blogging machines day in and day out, you will fail.... and the bloggers will just be having fun.

So run along home before you get yourself hurt.

The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

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