Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Local Icon Admits Steroid Use

Pittsburghers were stunned today when it was revealed that a local icon admitted to past steroid use.

In an interview with Playboy magazine, former mayor Sophie Masloff (90) said that she was ashamed of the past drug use, but it was the only way to deal with Michelle Madoff and Eugene "Jeep" DePasquale.

"I mean, at first [former Deputy Mayor Joseph Sabino] Mistick said that the shots were medication for my lumbago, but eventually it got to the point where I was taking the stuff every other day. Once before a particularly intense council meeting Joe injected 40 ccs of human growth hormones right into my buttocks. I... I nearly ripped Jake Millones' trachea out during that meeting for looking at me funny."

Today, the effects of prolonged steroid use are obvious: the loss of short term memory, the high pitched voice, calling Bruce Springsteen "Bruce Springbed", and the loss of short term memory.

Former Mayor Tom Murphy says he's not surprised:

"Back in '93 she ran a hell of a campaign, better than a woman half her age. Tom [Cox] and I were surprised by her vigor, and the fact that she ripped a parking meter and nearly clubbed Sal Sirabela to death."

Mayor Masloff regrets her past steroid use, but does not regret her term in office.

"People like to see exciting politics. That's what we gave them. Just because we went a little gray doesn't mean that we were any less of an administration."

Former Senator George Mitchell has been appointed to head a commission investigating the use of performance enhancing drugs in Pittsburgh Politics. The Mitchell investigation will continue as soon as the commission discovers evidence of enhanced performance in City Government.

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