The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: Intercepted Messages

The Rules of Bureaucracy

Rule #O: "The Rules of Bureaucracy are mutable, non-canonical, non-ordinal, and contradictory, except in the cases where they are not."
Rule #1: "Document everything you do; if you didn't write it down, it didn't happen."
Rule #2 [The Sixty Minutes Rule]: "Never do anything that would cause Ed Bradley, Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, Steve Croft, Leslie Stahl, or even Andy Rooney to persue you down a hallway with a camera crew."
Rule #3: "Nothing Simple is Ever Easy"
Rule #4: "It's about the money; follow the money."
Rule #5: "Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Rule #6: "Politics is the enemy of good government."
Rule #7: "The biggest detriment to public service is the public."
Rule #8: "The second biggest detriment to public service is the service."
Rule #9: "There's a reason; there's ALWAYS a reason."
Rule #10: "The Law is a harsh mistress: The rigorous and exacting application of which can benefit of society when used correctly to advance good policy and block bad, and be the bane of society when used incorrectly to advance bad policy and block good."
Rule #11: "Public service often involves waking up in the morning, opening up the newspaper, and discovering that someone, somewhere out there thinks that you're a dickhead."
Rule #12: "No one really knows what you do."
Rule #13 [Luke's Rule]: "No one ever acts like the bastard they really are."
Rule #14: "Bureaucracy endures."
Rule #15: "The longer you work in bureaucracy, the more Catch-22 resembles non-fiction."
Rule #16: "Politicians are not smarter than you."
Rule #18: "Money is not created equal."
Rule #19: "Mediocrity is normalcy."
Rule #17: "Within any bureaucratic structure, resources (e.g. people, money, knowledge, etc.) are not distributed uniformly."
Rule #20: "Don't assume a fiduciary liability without a committed resource allocation."
Rule #21: "If you do your job and obey the law, they can't reasonably fire you."
Rule #22: "The Budget will always be wrong."
Rule #23: "Always sign in blue."
Rule #24: "A Bureaucrat must be able to explain and justify his/her actions to laymen without resorting to the phrase 'because the Rules say so.'"
Rule #25: "Never voluntarily relinquish control of an original document."
Rule #26: "Sometimes you just have to say 'Screw the rules'"
Rule #27: "Change sucks."
Rule #28: "Sometimes the answer is 'No.'"
Rule #29: "It is very easy to make difficult decisions when no one has a clue what's going on."
Rule #30: "If you hang around long enough, eventually you will become an expert in something."
Rule #31: "Data, technology, and automatic processes can never completely supplant human interaction."
Rule #32: "Cover thine own ass."
Rule #33: "It's not real until it has its own acronym."
Rule #34:There is nothing more dangerous than an elected, resourceful idiot.
Rule #35: It will always take longer than expected.
Rule #36: Coming Soon...

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Intercepted Messages

Through our contacts in the Mexican embassy, we intercepted the following message, apparently originating in Germany:

Wir beabsichtigen, beginnt am dreiundzwanzigsten August unsere sechste jährliche Hothouse Veranstaltung in den oberen Stockwerken der Union Trust Building in Downtown Pittsburgh. Die Veranstaltung dient als Bühne zu präsentieren, welche einige der innovativen Projekte und Führer der aufstrebenden Gemeinde erfolgreichen Initiativen unterstützt durch Sprout im vergangenen Jahr. Die Siedlung im Detail ist links auf unserer Website. Sie informieren die Bürgerinnen und Bürger die meisten heimlich so bald wie möglich zu gestalten. Bitte rufen Sie an alle Aufmerksamkeit auf die Tatsache, dass das Ereignis erzeugt eine unglaubliche Chance für den breiten Querschnitt von Pittsburgh's geschäftliche und gesellschaftliche Kreise, die zusammen kommen jedes Jahr zur Unterstützung Sprout-Mission zu treffen und vermischen. Unterzeichnet - ZIMMERMANN

Not sure what it means, but I've alerted President Wilson.

5 comments:

The Honourable Husband said...: It's pretty much a translation of parts of the Hot House link. Except, it tells recipients to get the word out quietly, on the sly.

I'll forward it to Argentina.; 6:48 AM
Anonymous said...: We intend to begin on August twenty-third Hothouse our sixth annual event in the upper floors of the Union Trust Building in Downtown Pittsburgh. The event serves as a stage to present what some of the innovative projects and emerging community leaders of the successful initiatives supported by Sprout in the past year. The settlement in detail is left on our website. They inform the citizens of the most secretly as soon as possible. Please call to all the attention to the fact that the incident created an incredible opportunity for the broad cross-section of Pittsburgh's business and social circles, which together every year to support Sprout mission to meet and mingle. Signed - ZIMMERMANN; 7:35 AM
Nate said...: The perfidy of Mt. Oliver knows no bounds! We must act now!; 1:35 PM
fester said...: Time to bomb Cranberry AS THAT WILL demonstrate our will and cow Mount Oliver's intragience; 6:58 AM
O said...: I'm thinking that they're going to torpedo the Gateway Clipper Fleet with their U-Boats.; 9:35 PM