FEC to Break up Republican Party

(Reuters) Washington D.C - Fresh on a resounding crash at the polls, the Federal Elections Commission has ordered the breakup of the Republican Party on the grounds that it is "too big to fail".

The announcement came after a surprise early meeting of the independent regulatory agency. FEC Chairman David M. Mason said that the party situation was "untenable" and that "drastic measures must be taken."

"The GOP has had a long and dignified history in this country, but current circumstances dictate that we must both protect individual investment and the nation's political economy by controlling what would otherwise be a disastrous free fall."

The Commission has proposed dividing up the party into three distinct parties: the Theocratic Party, the Neo-Conservative Party, and the New Republican Party. Another share of the existing party will be bought out by the Libertarian Party, who will receive Ron Paul.

Senator Mitch McConnell, Minority Leader of the Senate, said that the move was "positive" for the country. "The United States can ill-afford a party set against itself. With yesterday's crushing defeat, it is time to start afresh with new ideologies."

In the 1990s, the GOP had attempted to nationalize the party, but had met with stiff resistance from competitors. Massive speculation during those years had led to a political bubble, which suddenly popped in 2006.

The former Republican Party had found itself in a precarious internal position even before this most recent election. The Party has heavily invested in emerging markets such as Iraq and Afghanistan. Shareholders in the Bible Belt, however, believed that the management was not diversifying its investments enough, by investing in anti-gay marriage and anti-abortion funds.

The selection of John McCain over rivals Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, Fred Thompson, or Rudy Guilliani was seen as a compromise between various shareholder factions, who were promised a return of over 270 points. The inclusion of Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin in the management team was seen as a positive move towards alleviating shareholder consternation.

In recent weeks, however, it was revealed that the Company had wasted large amounts of money in things like $150,000 wardrobes for senior management, at the expense of turning out production in their facilities across the country. Over 56 Million voters suddenly found their investments in peril.

The FEC proposal will reduce the individual voter's return on investment, but it should stabilize the returns over time.

The proposed break up should be finalized within the next thirty days. No word yet as to which persons will be appointed to lead these new parties.