Thursday, November 20, 2008

An Open Letter to the People of the Pittsburgh Region

In the morning and probably throughout the coming days, you will probably notice a phenomenon that may leave you worried, scared, or even panicked. I am here to reassure you that this phenomenon is nothing to worry about, as it has been an annual occurrence for this region, although its impact has seemed to diminish over the last few years leading some to forget about it. Indeed, there were years when this phenomenon was a threat to life and limb, whereas today it is merely an annoyance.

I am, of course, referring to snow.

For those of you that appear to be unfamiliar with the concept, snow is frozen water crystals that fall from the ground in the form of precipitation. This occurs primarily in the winter months, but generally whenever the conditions are cold enough to support this weather event.

A typical snow event is not on par with earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes, terrorist attacks, or giant squid like aliens from another dimension. It's more like rain that's cold and hangs around longer on the ground.

Many people from the region, however, seem to believe that every time it snows, the world is coming to an end. So, in an attempt to assist the populace, here are some simple rules for the upcoming winter:

(1) Drive carefully. This means that you can't drive 50 mph in a 35 mph zone. Well, I mean, I suppose you can, but I cannot guarantee that you will be able to stop before you crash into a snow drift, bank, or plow.

This also means, however, that you don't have to drive 5 mph in a 35 mph zone, riding the break wherever you go. Crank the car down to a lower gear and let the car work for you. If you can't do that, stay home.

(2) Shovel your walk in front of your house. I don't mind traipsing through fresh snow on my way to wherever, however, if snow hasn't been cleared in days it turns into that other water form: ice. You may not care that I slide past your home at 25 mph, but my lawyer does.

(3) If you even utter the phrase "the white stuff" in reference to snow. I will find you and cut you. I'm looking at you Jeff Verszyla. You better watch your ass.

(4) Yellow snow is to be avoided. At all costs. It does not taste like lemonade. Trust me.

(5) You can go for 1 day without milk and toilet paper. Please, for the love of God, you are not stocking up for the end of civilization. If you can't go without milk for a day, you'd better be a calf, and if you can't go without emergency toilet paper, you'd better be on an all Taco Bell diet.

So, those are five points for dealing with this "snow" thing. If I have to explain it to you again, me and my Eskimo posse are going to show up to your house with a Polar Bear on meth.

It won't be pretty; Polar Bears on meth are mean.

Sincerely,

O
The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

4 comments:

MH said...

"If you can't go without milk for a day, you'd better be a calf,..."

I'm guessing you don't have a toddler at home. (Not that I don't agree with the rest of what you said.)

Sherry said...

film at 11??? ; )

O said...

You milk toddlers, MH? You sick bastard.

headbang8 said...

Yes. When I was young, people woul dnot use "it's snowing" as an excuse for staying home. Or indeed, as an excuse for anything. Snow is a pain inthe ass, but it's only a pain in the ass.