Wednesday, November 19, 2008

PAT, Union Agree to Thunderdome

Following increased pressure from dozens of business and community groups, both the Port Authority and its drivers' union leader agreed to a tentative plan set forth by a federal arbitrator to resolve their dispute in a post-apocalyptic "Thunderdome".

The negotiated mediation resolution was pushed forward by the Greater Pittsburgh Chamber of Commerce, an affiliate of the Allegheny Conference on Community Development, the African American Chamber of Commerce; and the Pittsburgh Partnership for Neighborhood Development, and Australian actor Mel Gibson.

The authority's board accepted the terms outlined by PA Labor Relations Board mediator Jan Rigler, which recommended that one union leader and one PAT board members be placed into a steel cage and fight to the death. Participants will be tied with bungee cords so, and weapons placed around the cage. Two men will enter, one man will leave.

PAT Board Chairman John A. Brooks, in a statement to the media said "Listen on! Listen on! This is the truth of it: fighting leads to killing and killing leads to warring. And that was damned near the death of us all.... but now when we get to fighting, it happens here. And it finishes here."

Union leaders have criticized County Executive Dan Onorato, who had initially proposed the Thunderdome plan, as merely wanting to beat the crap out of a couple of random union guys.

The original fact finder's report was officially rejected by the union because of proposed changes to healthcare coverage, however, union members have unofficially said that the rejection was the result of a lack of stabbing and fire.

In case of a service shutdown, Pittsburgh residents have already begun to plan carpooling rides, alternative modes of transportation, and have devised post apocalyptic vehicles made to traverse the vast expanses of the Australian desert.

The cost of the structure is expected to result in a fair increase of $2 per trip. The Thunderdome will be built on a vast unoccupied stretch of uninhabitable land inside of Parkway Center Mall.

1 comment:

IOZ said...

Sources close to the negotiations quote Mayor Luke Ravenstahl's chief of staff Yarone Zober: "Call me Snake."