Sunday, October 30, 2011

Region Loses Its Collective Shit Over Early Snow

The Pittsburgh Region lost its collective Shit yesterday because of an earlier than normal snowfall.

"We are all going to die!" shouted one relatively calm woman who broke into KDKA-TV's downtown studios for the sole purpose of attacking meterologist Dennis Bowman. Others, who were not as calm, resorted to self-immolation or canabalism as almost an eighth of an inch of snow blanketed the ground.

Eyewitnesess at the Camp Horne Road Giant Eagle report several fights over the remaining cans of French Cut Beans, carts filled with milk, eggs, and toilet paper, and at least one knife fight over the free samples of shrimp cocktail.

"I need fried onions," said one customer in an interview. "We might be stuck until Spring and I may want to make casserole at some point."

Former Anthropogenic Climate Change skeptics attacked and slaughtered visiting representatives from the Competitive Enterprise Institute (a Global Climate Change Denying organization) in an apparent sacrifice to appease, what they termed, an angry, angry God. Chants of "How's that Global Warming for ya?" echoed throughout Downtown as the Body of CEI Director Myron Ebell was ritualistically burned.

Reports have also come in from across the region of literally thousands of motorists that have apparently forgotten how to drive their cars.

Pittsburgh occasionally loses its collective shit during major winter storms, but this marks the first time since 1993 when the city has lost its shit during the month of October.

The National Weather Service predicts that the Region should lose its shit at least twice more this season, depending on when salt supplies run out.

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