UPMC to Create "Death Star" In Bloomfield

UPMC announced plans Thursday to create a $294 million research facility that officials for the health system say will focus on personalized medicine, the biology of cancer and aging, and crushing Highmark Blue Cross/Blue Shield.

The UPMC DEpartment of Aging, Therapy, Holistic medicine, SiTe for Advanced Research (DEATH STAR), scheduled for completion in late 2014, is expected to create 375 new scientific and administrative jobs, including several thousand construction contractors. The project will include a $3 million renovation of the old Ford Motor Co. building on Baum Boulevard on the Bloomfield-Shadyside border and a laser gun capable of destroying a planet.

Chief Financial Officer Robert A. DeMotti said in a press statement "This facility will be the ultimate power in the universe." 

In leaked emails, however, Executive Vice President Jeff Vader told DeMotti "Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a competitor is insignificant next to the power of forcing our customers to use our providers."  Vader also raised concerns that if Highmark obtained a complete report about the center, it is possible, however unlikely, that they might find a weakness and exploit it in a lawsuit, supporting their claim that UPMC has a de facto monopoly in the region's health care, adding that he found DeMotti's lack of corporate governance "disturbing". 

CEO Jeffrey A. Palpatine has been in Harrisburg this week, working to dissolve the State Senate bill 203 permanently, which would sweep away the last remnants of the old state health care system, giving the Governor direct control.

Both Palpatine and Vader have been criticized by public policy advocates for their dark sided approach to the massive non-profit, which began as an outgrowth over a battle to producing similar populations of genetically identical individuals in laboratory conditions at the University of Pittsburgh.  Since then, UPMC has grown to encompass a large section of Oakland and the Outer Rim Territories. 

The "Death Star", when fully armed and operational, will probably be used to acquire or destroy other hospitals that are part of the rebellious West Penn Allegheny Health System. 

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