Monday, February 20, 2012

Presidents Day

As Presidents Day slouches upon us once again, it's time that we here at ADB pause for a minute to educate and enlighten our otherwise troglodite-like readership with facts about the 43 (44 if you count David Rice Atchinson, and I mean, who does?) men that held the highest office in the US of A.

George Washington - Known for being a Surveyor, General, Statesman, Farmer, Slave Holder, Whiskey Maker, and Father of His Country, Washington created the phenomenon known as "resume padding."

John Adams - 2nd President of the United States who was played memorably on the screen by the voice of KITT from Knight Rider and slightly less memorably on the stage by Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Thomas Jefferson - Roundly considered to be the most intelligent of the men to have held the office of President, Jefferson was the inventor of the lazy Susan, which makes you wonder who he named it after and how lazy *she* was.

James Madison - Holds the record for being the shortest US president. Also held the record for furthest tossed dwarf from 1810-1831.

James Monroe - Was voted "President most likely to be mistaken for James Madison by 7th graders in 200 years."

John Quincey Adams - Son of the other John Adams. First in a long line of reasons why nepotism in US politics is a bad idea.

Andrew Jackson - Called "Ol' Hickory" in popular parlance. Enemy of the British, Native Americans, and Banks, he personally foiled his own assassination attempt. Still doesn't deserve to be on the $20 bill.

Martin Van Buren - First in the long line of forgettable Presidents, Van Buren is frequently autocorrected as "Van Bureau".

William Henry Harrison - This entry is almost as short as his Presidency.

John Tyler - "His Accidency". Assumed the presidency upon the death of William Henry Harrison. The only President to be considered a traitor to his country, until the invention of hyperbole in the 1970s.

James K. Polk - 11th President and creator of the dance craze called "The Polka", which killed thirteen men and women in a freak accordion accident in 1848.

Zachary Taylor - "Ol' H.R. Puffinstuff" was a former Mexican War general known for his flamboyant kitschy attire and penchant for the wenches and dying.

Milliard Fillmore - Four times as funny as his eponymous right-wing comic strip and three thousand times as relevant.

Franklin Pierce - M*A*S*H doctor during the Korean War, known for his drinking, womanizing, and maudlin humor. Played by Alan Alda.

Jame Buchanan - The US's only bachelor President. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Abraham Lincoln - "The Great De-pantsinator" Guy on the penny and the $5 bill. Not a very big fan of live theater.

Andrew Johnson - Tennessee Democrat turned Unionist turned Vice-President. Impeached by radical Republicans for spurious reasons. Fortunately that kind of thing would never be allowed to happen again.

Ulysses S. Grant - "Ol' Drunkypants" made alcoholism into a national pastime. Probably not corrupt, but a favorite among corrupt people.

Rutherford B. Hayes - The nation's first black President and founder of the Polka Dot party in honor of James K. Polk.

James Garfield - Loved lasagna, hated Mondays like they were trying to assassinate him. Should have been more wary of crazy people instead.

Chester A. Arthur - Part man, part sea lion. Once wrestled with Queen Victoria for a fortnight over the correct pronunciation of the word "aluminum". Nearly expelled Michigan from the Union, "just because."

Grover Cleveland - "Ol' Non-Consecutive" fathered a child out of wedlock (maybe), which still did not hurt his showings at the polls.

Benjamin Harrison - Filled the nation's quota of Harrison Presidents until 2022.

Grover Cleveland - "Ol' Non-Consecutive" began the nation's fascination with poorly made sequels.

William McKinley - Always a slave to a trend, McKinley decided to die while in office.

Theodore Roosevelt - America's first certifiably crazy President. Not crazy "I'm hearing voices from my astrologers" crazy, but more "I'm going to go wrestle a lion, because I can" crazy. He's the guy that Chuck Norris makes jokes about... with the added benefit of most of the crazy shit turns out to be true.

William Howard Taft - So fat, when he sat around the White House, he sat around the White House. Had more Chins than a Chinese phonebook. Only President to need his own zip code.

Woodrow Wilson - Visionary who promoted the league of nations following WWI. Also a closet racist.

Warren G. Harding - Arguably the worst President ever. Not so much corrupt as incompetent, he had the good sense to die before anyone got around to indicting him.

Calvin Coolidge - The less said, the better.

Herbert Hoover - "Ol' Depressionator". Seriously, ask your Grand Parents what they thought about Hoover. See if they respond without spitting.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt - Less crazy of the two Roosevelts, probably because he was being held back by that metal chair. Led country through the Depression and WWII and was still getting a little tail on the side.

Harry Truman - Only President that could fire Douglas McArthur AND sell you a hat. Probably would have smacked you for looking at him funny.

Dwight "David" Eisenhower - The guy your parents, Granparents, and the GOP wistfully remember as presiding over the most idyllic time in US history.

John F. Kennedy - Like Theodore Roosevelt, but replace "Crazy" with "horny". Banged everything that wasn't nailed down, and then was banged himself.

Lyndon Johnson - Had largest penis of anyone in his cabinet. Used to wave his member around the halls of the White House and urinate on document, just because he could.

Richard Nixon - "Ol' Tricky Dick". Corrupt as hell, maybe more so. I understand that the Devil has some qualms. Resigned in disgrace when it was discovered that everyone really was out to get him.

Gerald Ford - Only President born a King. Known for the many things he stood for and for an equal number of things he fell over.

James Earl "Jimmy" Carter - America's only sweater wearing former nuclear submarine technician President. Introduced the word "malaise" into the political lexicon and became the whipping boy for the Republican party for the next generation.

Ronald Wilson Reagan - Depending on who you talk to, either the greatest President that ever lived, or a senile old man. Now an object of bizarre fetishism by the GOP, his name cannot be uttered unless in solemn reverence.

George H. W. Bush - Proof that a guy whose family worked with the Nazis can still make it in this country.

William Jefferson Clinton - "Slick Willy" presided over the longest period of economic expansion in the nation's history. Also presided over another expansion... in his pants. Impeached, but acquitted, but you knew that.

George W. Bush - A reminder of the reason the US doesn't allow dynastic succession.

"President" Ballrog HUSSEIN Sombrero Fartbongo II - Kenyan-Hawaiian Marxist-Facist Muslim-Radical Black Christian Community Organizing, ACORN sponsoring, arugula and brown mustard eating, teleprompter using, usurper-in-chief. Possibly the anti-Christ, but possibly worse.
Now, off to Wikipedia to make all of this true...


spork_incident said...

In fairness, Madison also declared war on Canada.

And lost.

Say what you will about GW Bush, at least the Iraqis never burned down the White House.

Calvin Coolidge - The less said, the better.

Nicely played.


PostMuse said...

You left out when Teddy Roosevelt wrestles Mr. T.

Matt DC said...

Why can't Wikipedia be this concise?

Anonymous said...

Given your rant against Obama, you must be a Republicrat, a Bush-league holdover. Obama has more class than people who yell xenophobic insults at him. He's playing the hand he's been dealt, not dealing from the bottom like the Bushies did.


Anonymous said...

And yet, not as tyrannical as his father, Fartbongo I.

Bram Reichbaum said...