Other Things Tom Ridge Didn't Tell Us

In case you didn't know, there's this:

Tom Ridge, the first head of the 9/11-inspired Department of Homeland Security, wasn't keen on writing a tell-all. But in The Test of Our Times: America Under Siege...and How We Can Be Safe Again, out September 1, Ridge says he wants to shake "public complacency" over security... Among the headlines promoted by publisher Thomas Dunne Books: Ridge was never invited to sit in on National Security Council meetings; was "blindsided" by the FBI in morning Oval Office meetings because the agency withheld critical information from him; found his urgings to block Michael Brown from being named head of the emergency agency blamed for the Hurricane Katrina disaster ignored; and was pushed to raise the security alert on the eve of President Bush's re-election....

Other things that Tom Ridge didn't want you to know:

* Eliminating liquids (including shampoo and toothpaste) from carry on bags was done in order to pressure Johnson & Johnson into contributing more money to the GOP.

* The security alert system was originally supposed to only contain two levels: "pee yourself" and "shit yourself."

* Being commissioner for the International Arabian Horse Association makes a person qualified to head the United States Atomic Energy Commission, not FEMA.

* Bigfoot exists, but it's really some guy named "Lenny" from New Jersey.

* Han shot first.

* For 12 minutes on August 23, 2003 George W. Bush was clinically dead during a cabinet meeting and nobody noticed.

* Barack Obama is really a Kenyan Muslim, but was born in Hawaii.

* Your Rice Krispies are secretly telling you to kill your neighbor's dog.

* To prevent yourself from dying from a chemical attack, duct tape should be strategically placed over your mouth and nostrils.

* Michael Chertoff doesn't blink.