Business Casual Friday - Money Edition Pt. 2

Mo' Money. Mo' Problems.



I figure that we need to get used to old timey music to play in the breadlines.

Business Casual Friday - Money Edition Pt. 1

Because I lost a crap load of money yesterday when I got short sold on oranges (and today, I may just bundles more on my Amalgamated Spats stock), I figure that I'd devote some space to the glories of capitalism:

The Money Song

In re: Sections 1105(b)(6) of the Public Official and Employee Ethics Act, 65 Pa.C.S. 1105(b)(6)

Saw it first at Bob Mayo's site: Pat Ford cleared by State Ethic's panel. Long and short of it was that a $215 stereo given as a gift to Mr. Ford (and his wife) by a Lamar Executive, was under the $250 reporting limit required by the state.

Of course, Mr. Ford's lawyer sees this as an absolution of all of his client's sins:

Today we reach the same conclusion that should have been apparent from the outset, and point out that a purely political process was perpetrated under the guise of an ethics review. It is a shame that months of state resources were wasted in a failed attempt to destroy the reputation of Pat Ford with an obviously false ethics charge.

Except, Bob's transcript of the letter doesn't quite go so far to provide Pat with full absolution of all of his misdeeds:

Our review of this matter only relates to the above noted issue and does not constitute a determination as to any other course of conduct.

So, while this matter may be settled, it doesn't mean that Mr. Ford is a pinnacle of moral turpitude. Indeed, there are other items still floating around that remain unresolved and that many around these here parts would like some closure on:

*Perhaps the gift may have not risen to the legal standard necessary for a full inquiry, but certainly the irregular approval procedure by which the billboard that started this whole kerfuffle arose still remains in question;

*As recently as this week, there are questions about a political friend of Mr. Ford receiving favorable loan terms from the URA.

*Mr. Ford has said there was a culture of corruption around the Mayor's Office, an allegation that may or may not be under investigation by the U.S. Attorney.

*There were strained relations and traded accusations between Mr. Ford and the head of the Housing Authority. This matter has also not been resolved.

*Mr. Ford is bald. He has yet to explain the disappearance of his hair.

*Mr. Ford cannot explain why his name is an anagram of "Pro-dick fart" or even what a "Dick Fart" is.

*Mr. Ford cannot explain why he is in possession of a piece legendary airplane hijacker D.B. Cooper's parachute.

*Mr. Ford cannot explain his whereabouts on November 22, 1963.

*Mr. Ford has been unable to present an authentic birth certificate that proves that he is a Unite States Citizen.

*Mr. Ford refuses to explain why, on a recent visit to Iraq, he would not meet with wounded troops unless there were cameras present.

*Mr. Ford refuses to comment on his ties with the Illuminati and the late Colonel Sanders.

*Mr. Ford has yet to publicly confirm or deny that he no longer beats his wife.

I say that with these matters left unresolved and until he provides sufficient, acceptable answers to these outstanding issues, Pat Ford is still guilty of something.

And dammit all if we aren't going to figure out what that is...

We Get Letters...

I found this in my inbox this morning:

Dear Mr. Drunk Bureaucrat:

I am the Finance Minister of a very Large first world nation. I want to invest in your country and I am writting to seek your assistance in starting a business investment in your country and execute a business investment under your management. If you can assist me in receiving my money and investing it in your country e-mail me with your telephone number so I can explain to you more better and give you further information. My E-mail is - hpaulson@treasury.gov

I may consider moving my money out of stocks and t-bills and to a secure location under my mattress.

A Brief Media Aside - Election 2008/Steelers Edition

Like most Steelers fans in Pittsburgh, I always turn down the TV sound and turn up Bill & Tunch on the radio. Of course, this saves us from not only the mindless prattling of the network announcers, but also the insipidness of the television commercials.

Of course, for the network market gurus, this means that only half the commercial's impact is made on the audience.

Now, consider if you were the Obama campaign and you wanted to target several hundred thousand potential voters in Southwestern PA. The obvious place to run a campaign ad would be during a Steelers game... but then you have to overcome the problem that I outlined above.

So, I wonder if it was a coincidence or very clever planning that caused the Obama campaign to run an ad ("Prescription Ad") in which most of the message can be gleaned from the text on the screen. If it was clever planning, it was very clever planning, as it allowed the message to get across without needing viewers to switch over from Craig Wolfley's amusing sideline anecdotes.

If it was a coincidence, well, it was certainly something I'd never noticed before.

Business Casual Friday - Post VP Debate Edition

John McCain's Cunning Stunt was obviously boning up for the debate all week, showing that she was a shining wit. I almost expected her to rattle off a list of Supreme Court Cases just to show them folk in the lie'bral media.

In that spirit:

Things Palin Can Name

Business Casual Friday

The Cunning Stunt sees the world:

Flat Palin

Enjoy!

Business Casual Friday

For those of you, like me, who've lost most of your life savings in the stock market and are not trying to figure out how to stretch your budget or decide if the cat's food or the dog's food is best to serve for Sunday dinner, we present:

The Simple Dollar

For the record, dog food goes well with a dry red wine.

Last Minute Thoughts before the VP Debates

Let me start out by saying that I'm deliberately avoiding live blogging this event because (a) I genuinely like to hear what the candidates have to say and (b) the computer gets in the way of throwing things at the TV screen.

Besides, no matter what happens tonight, both sides are going to claim victory, short of Sarah Palin drooling all over herself or Joe Biden leaping over the podium to strangle Sarah Palin while claiming that the capital of Georgia is the letter "3".

This, by the way, is one of the less disturbing examples of a literary genre known as "political slash fiction.". Those of you that may be curious about this particular genre but have delicate constitutions should refrain from Googling the phrase "Dick Cheney & Dick Armey."

Anywho... for those of you that are into gambling, I thought I'd lay down some odds on tonight's event:

* Joe Biden "wins the opening handshake" (i.e. gets closer to Palin's lectern when he comes out): 4:3

* Sarah Palin tells the "Bridge to Nowhere" anecdote: 10:1

* Palin repeats the question back to the moderator, throws in some buzzwords, and answers a completely different question: Even

* Biden uses up all of his allotted time by the end of the first two questions: 4:1

* Moderator Gwen Ifill is replaced by Tom Brokaw: 100:1

* Ifill is replaced by Bill O'Reilly: 10,000:1

* Bigfoot is discovered backstage: 1,000,000:1

* Ifill is replaced by Bigfoot: 10,001:1

* Palin confuses Austria with Australia: 500:1

* Biden begins drinking on camera: 200:1

* Tina Fey is substituted for Palin: 50:1

* A muppet is substituted for Palin: 100:1

* Biden decides to break out his classic "Rapin' Joe" character: 75:1

* Palin is disappointed to find out that there's no swimsuit competition: 500:1

* So is Biden: 5,000:1

* Biden lays verbal smackdown: 100:1

* Palin lays verbal smackdown: 1000:1

* Levi "Kevin Federline" Johnston is awkwardly brought up at the end of the debate: 5:1

* Levi tries to make a run for it: 250:1

Please place your final bets folks. Last call...

Contractual Obligations

With all the brouhaha surrounding the LED billboard contract, a URA parking contract, a PWSA consulting contract and several other contracts that Mary Beth Buchanan has not retrieved from the man sized safe in Yarone Zober's office, it seems inevitable that the Ravenstahl administration would announce that the Mayor's Office is undertaking a sweeping revision to the criteria for awarding contracts.

And by "sweeping revision" they, of course, mean "not changing anything, but we needed a press conference."

Perhaps that's unfair; anything can be improved, I suppose. So here are some suggestions from the folks that will be implementing the changes:

(1) Post all Requests for Proposals and Invitations to Bid online. Of course, no one actually looks at anything online, so you're going to actually have to add some sort of content to draw people to the site. I'm thinking pictures of cats or porn.

(2) Post all contracts over a certain amount online. In order to make the contracts more interesting, however, hide suduko games, word searches, or geocaching locations in the online versions. Or, perhaps turn them into online mad-libs.

The mandatory [NOUN] fee will be [VERB] on a [ADJECTIVE] basis, with each [NOUN] period expiring at the end of each Quarterly Period during the [NOUN]

I'm picking "fart," "fart," "farting," "fart," and "spatula."

(3) Mandate that no one who knows anyone in the City of Pittsburgh be allowed to bid on or respond to any contracts. This will become increasingly difficult for winning bidders who will have to interact with City employees in full encounter suits... or not show up at all.

(4) Or at least mandate that Jim Ferlo turn over his Rolodex and prohibit anyone therein, their relatives, friends, college roommates, landlords, or dominatrices from being awarded a contract.

(5) Develop a complex formula taking the lowest bid, and weighting it by (1) experience of the vendor, (2) minority and women participation, (3) local business participation, (4) and public purpose. Rank each submission in order and throw them off of Mount Washington. The one that goes furthest is selected.

(6) Ask Luke Ravenstahl what he thinks. Do the opposite.

and finally

(7) Do everything in-house. This will needlessly increase the size and decrease the efficiency of City Government, probably resulting in thousands of employees hanging out, doing nothing, making clumsy power moves, and generally waiting around until retirement or death.

So that'll be a change right there.