The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: Last Minute Thoughts before the VP Debates

The Rules of Bureaucracy

Rule #O: "The Rules of Bureaucracy are mutable, non-canonical, non-ordinal, and contradictory, except in the cases where they are not."
Rule #1: "Document everything you do; if you didn't write it down, it didn't happen."
Rule #2 [The Sixty Minutes Rule]: "Never do anything that would cause Ed Bradley, Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, Steve Croft, Leslie Stahl, or even Andy Rooney to persue you down a hallway with a camera crew."
Rule #3: "Nothing Simple is Ever Easy"
Rule #4: "It's about the money; follow the money."
Rule #5: "Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Rule #6: "Politics is the enemy of good government."
Rule #7: "The biggest detriment to public service is the public."
Rule #8: "The second biggest detriment to public service is the service."
Rule #9: "There's a reason; there's ALWAYS a reason."
Rule #10: "The Law is a harsh mistress: The rigorous and exacting application of which can benefit of society when used correctly to advance good policy and block bad, and be the bane of society when used incorrectly to advance bad policy and block good."
Rule #11: "Public service often involves waking up in the morning, opening up the newspaper, and discovering that someone, somewhere out there thinks that you're a dickhead."
Rule #12: "No one really knows what you do."
Rule #13 [Luke's Rule]: "No one ever acts like the bastard they really are."
Rule #14: "Bureaucracy endures."
Rule #15: "The longer you work in bureaucracy, the more Catch-22 resembles non-fiction."
Rule #16: "Politicians are not smarter than you."
Rule #18: "Money is not created equal."
Rule #19: "Mediocrity is normalcy."
Rule #17: "Within any bureaucratic structure, resources (e.g. people, money, knowledge, etc.) are not distributed uniformly."
Rule #20: "Don't assume a fiduciary liability without a committed resource allocation."
Rule #21: "If you do your job and obey the law, they can't reasonably fire you."
Rule #22: "The Budget will always be wrong."
Rule #23: "Always sign in blue."
Rule #24: "A Bureaucrat must be able to explain and justify his/her actions to laymen without resorting to the phrase 'because the Rules say so.'"
Rule #25: "Never voluntarily relinquish control of an original document."
Rule #26: "Sometimes you just have to say 'Screw the rules'"
Rule #27: "Change sucks."
Rule #28: "Sometimes the answer is 'No.'"
Rule #29: "It is very easy to make difficult decisions when no one has a clue what's going on."
Rule #30: "If you hang around long enough, eventually you will become an expert in something."
Rule #31: "Data, technology, and automatic processes can never completely supplant human interaction."
Rule #32: "Cover thine own ass."
Rule #33: "It's not real until it has its own acronym."
Rule #34:There is nothing more dangerous than an elected, resourceful idiot.
Rule #35: It will always take longer than expected.
Rule #36: Coming Soon...

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Last Minute Thoughts before the VP Debates

Let me start out by saying that I'm deliberately avoiding live blogging this event because (a) I genuinely like to hear what the candidates have to say and (b) the computer gets in the way of throwing things at the TV screen.

Besides, no matter what happens tonight, both sides are going to claim victory, short of Sarah Palin drooling all over herself or Joe Biden leaping over the podium to strangle Sarah Palin while claiming that the capital of Georgia is the letter "3".

This, by the way, is one of the less disturbing examples of a literary genre known as "political slash fiction.". Those of you that may be curious about this particular genre but have delicate constitutions should refrain from Googling the phrase "Dick Cheney & Dick Armey."

Anywho... for those of you that are into gambling, I thought I'd lay down some odds on tonight's event:

* Joe Biden "wins the opening handshake" (i.e. gets closer to Palin's lectern when he comes out): 4:3

* Sarah Palin tells the "Bridge to Nowhere" anecdote: 10:1

* Palin repeats the question back to the moderator, throws in some buzzwords, and answers a completely different question: Even

* Biden uses up all of his allotted time by the end of the first two questions: 4:1

* Moderator Gwen Ifill is replaced by Tom Brokaw: 100:1

* Ifill is replaced by Bill O'Reilly: 10,000:1

* Bigfoot is discovered backstage: 1,000,000:1

* Ifill is replaced by Bigfoot: 10,001:1

* Palin confuses Austria with Australia: 500:1

* Biden begins drinking on camera: 200:1

* Tina Fey is substituted for Palin: 50:1

* A muppet is substituted for Palin: 100:1

* Biden decides to break out his classic "Rapin' Joe" character: 75:1

* Palin is disappointed to find out that there's no swimsuit competition: 500:1

* So is Biden: 5,000:1

* Biden lays verbal smackdown: 100:1

* Palin lays verbal smackdown: 1000:1

* Levi "Kevin Federline" Johnston is awkwardly brought up at the end of the debate: 5:1

* Levi tries to make a run for it: 250:1

Please place your final bets folks. Last call...

1 comment:

The Honourable Husband said...: Ah, Levi. That poor schmuck!; 10:23 PM

The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

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Thursday, October 02, 2008

Last Minute Thoughts before the VP Debates

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