Retroactive Immunity

Saw this little video on CNN that's also been floating around teh internets and, frankly, it (a) pissed the hell out of me, (b) scared the fuck out of me, and (c) caused me to break several objects that were at hand.



I can't begin to describe the wrongness with this administration, so I'll let you all do it for yourself. Otherwise, I'll just descend into a profanity laden, mouth-foaming rant.

It really angers me, though.


Tag(s): Bush, CNN

Rule #23

When you read the Old Testament, you watch the Lord moving from the sublime ("I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before me." [Exodus 20:2-3]) to the prosaic ("Do not put on a garment woven with two different kinds of thread." [Leviticus 19:19]). God obviously the same editor as me.

Not that I'm comparing myself to God... well, OK, maybe in terms of rule ordering... but that's it. Nothing to do with divinity, infallibility, or anything like that. Not at all. I wouldn't dream of it. Seriously.

Anyway...

Rule #23: Always sign in blue.

OK, I promise that the next post will be less blasphemous by at least 10%.

Tag(s): Bureaucracy

National Intellegence Estimate

We here at The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat have secret agents working at every level of Government, passing us vital bits of information which we can use for fun, profit, and sexual satisfaction.  Our super secret mole in the NSA [Bob Jenkins 1315 East-West Highway, Silver Spring MD, (301) 713-3249, Employee ID: 4815162342, Wife Jill and daughters Karen and Susie, Blood type O-] has recently smuggled us a portion of the unreleased classified bit of the controversial National Intelligence Estimate that's been causing all this hubbub.  Here are some highlights:

• Not only does it call the Iraq situation a "dismal failure" and "a haven for terrorists", it also gives the Hotel del Sol in Bagdad's Green Zone two stars and complains about the "frequent air raid sirens interrupting karaoke night";
  
• While the Iraq situation has become a recruitment tool for terrorists, it should be noted that they draw you in with their attractive offers of working from home all while being your own boss, only to be stuffing envelops filled with anthrax.  In that way, it is slightly better than Amway. 
  
• Islamofacism is spreading across the globe; Zenfacism IS.
• The Patriots are totally overrated.
  
• The best vending machine candy at Langley is on the third floor near the director's office.
  
• Troop strength and morale in Afghanistan is being undermined by (1) focus on the war in Iraq, (2) inability to secure effective cooperation from local and national leaders, (3) the rise of the opium trade, and (4) insufficient patriotism from Democrats.
  
• Rick Santorum lives in Virginia. 
  
• Outside of Iraq, Somalia and Yemen are opening up as fronts on the war on terror.  Inside of Iraq, it's too dark to read...  because there's no electricity.
  
• Shi'ites and Sunnis would do a lot better if they just accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior.
  
• A sure way for an undercover agent to blow his cover in Iraq is to wish people "a bitchin' Ramadan".
• Daniel Craig is going to suck ass as James Bond. 
  

That's all I managed to get through.  The whole report is kinda long, and rather boring... and there are graphs and numbers.  Actually, truth be told, I didn't even read it.  I'm just going to assume that it says what I think it says.  That's a good strategery, right?



P.S. Dear Mrs. Jenkins, I regret to inform you that your husband valiantly gave his life in the name of satire.  Bill will never be forgotten. 


Tag(s): National Intelligence Estimate, Satire

And now a word from Arnold the Pig

Is it wrong that when I read this headline in the P-G:

Councilman wants to preserve 407 green acres in city

Thought about this:



...and wanted to swap Eva Gabor's head for Jim Motznik's?
Is that normal?

Tag(s): Jim Motznick,Green Acres

Rule #22

Just a brief Rule as I am currently deeply engrossed in The Economist article on Pittsburgh that Mike Madison has up on his site. For reference, Mike is including the important stuff, but has (thank goodness) left out the part about "Border Guard Bob". Fortunately for me, my subscription to this noble periodical ends next week.

Anyway, on to Rule #22:

Rule #22: The Budget will always be wrong.

September 19th Analysis of the 9th Council District Controvery

Ahoy! There be storms a brewin' on the SS. 9th Councilmatic District. Hoist to the missen-mast, weigh anchor to the port side, and ready the six pounders. Six gallons of grog to the scurvy dog that brings me the head of the scallywag.

Yarr!

Fun with City Budgets

If you are like me, you spend this time of year waiting for the unveiling of the City Budget like a child waiting for Saint Nicholas and presents on Christmas Eve. Alternatively, if you're like me, you spend this time of year waiting for the unveiling of the City Budget like a child waiting for Knecht Ruprecht and severe beatings on Christmas Eve. The waiting is the same but the outcome is very, very different. So, this article in the P-G today got me giddy:

The city's 2007 budget is due to state overseers on Thursday. Mr. Ravenstahl has said he'll make that deadline and put his stamp on the spending plan while embracing the late Mayor Bob O'Connor's agenda of cleaner, safer streets.

It could be a defining moment for a politician who is a blank slate for most Pittsburghers, and who may face voters as early as next year.

"It is important, and we're prepared to submit that budget on Thursday," said the mayor, who took office Sept. 1. He promised some "wrinkles" that "are important to me" and would differentiate his approach from Mr. O'Connor's.

Look at me: goosebumps!

In order to avoid last year's embarrassment of rushing down to the City-County Building to see what the budget elves have left for me (only to find a very angry Ellen McClean under the tree instead), I came up with a different plan of attack. With an admixture of sleuthing, dumpster diving, and bribing a very drunk Paul Leger who was on his front lawn chasing away imaginary bats, I managed to find a very crude, preliminary budget written on the back of an Eat n' Park children's menu.

So, without further adieu, here are the highlights of what I discovered:

REVENUES:
The Ravenstahl Administration is proposing a series of sweeping new taxes in order to meet the requirements of the Act 47 board including a "mullet tax" on people with business up front and partying in the back.

The department of Finance is also estimating revenue from the Casino at "eleventy zillion, bagillion dollars," although with a note that they may be overestimating the amount slightly.

Luke's biggest proposal is reverting back to the land/building split which will, in the short run, reduce the overall tax revenue but in the long run increase the value... [snicker].... of the... [snicker].... [snicker]... BWHAHAHA! No, no seriously... another bagillion dollars in revenue from slots.

Finally, the administration is proposing selling off the City's portfolio of delinquent tax liens to some guy from Nigeria for about $30,000,000.

EXPENSES:
I found more details on the Expense side of the budget, and I'm suspicious that there are some shenanigans going on. Take a look at the following expenses I found:
Caramel Corn..................... $10,000
Jazzercise...................... $15,000
Hookers.......................... $1,000
Blow............................. $3,000
Levitating Tables................$10,000
One Million Dollars...........$2,000,000
Pony............................ $50,000
Pony Maintenance............... $100,000
Pony Food....................... $10,000
Dead Pony Removal................ $7,500
Dick Skrinjar Food.............. $10,000
This one which looks like it's penciled in Ravenstahl's own hand writing says
I pwn3d joo sux0rs............ $5,000,000
And last but not least:
Buyback Nigerian Liens.......$32,000,000

SUMMARY:
By my calculations, we should end up with a surplus of about ten zillion bagillion dollars.... plus or minus 9.9999 zillion bagillion dollars, or so.

Oh the Things You [Think You] See When You're Downtown!

I'll be the first to admit that my eyesight isn't so good, especially after that incident at Mimir's well, but did I see our li'l Bonnie Prince Lucky walking around at 3rd and Wood with a camera crew and Julie Chen from CBS's The Early Show?  Or was it Connie Chung? Or was it just a back to school interview with Point Park University Students? 

 

Like I said, my eyesight ain't so good.  Anybody got anything on this?

An Open Letter to Client #350

Dear Client #350,

Because of the nature of my business at The Bureaucracy, I am prohibited from expressing a serious opinion on a variety of items. Under the terms of government service, I am supposed to be above reproach and, except as authorized by statute or regulation, with complete impartiality and with preferential treatment for none. This, indeed becomes an issue in more difficult and professionally trying times. There comes a time, however, when the nature of reality compels oneself to express a sentiment beyond the common niceties of society.

So, let me break down conventions and declare that, you, sir, are an asshole.

No, that would be impolitic and impolite and invites both hurt feeling and lawsuits, so let me rephrase that:

You sir, SEEM to be an asshole.

I don't know what exactly it was. Perhaps it was the fact that I supported your work and gave you an equal chance, even though my colleagues cautioned me against it, only to have you stab me in the back.

Or, maybe it was the way that you threatened to go over my head to my boss, my boss's boss, and my boss's boss's boss and condemn me for, ironically, following the rules and, more importantly, the Law.

Or perhaps it was the way that you have tried to bully and threaten me in order to get your way, even though what you are demanding is both unethical and illegal.

No, it was definitely the way that you insulted me personally and professionally, impugning my integrity, not just as a human being but as a bureaucrat.

Still, the jokes on you: I've documented everything. Despite your outlandish claims, I have followed every rule, regulation, and law pertinent to my profession and I have followed through in sending every decision to the great bureaucratic archive in my desk. Everything that I have done has been completely above the board and on level. Besides, I know the horrible, awful things that you tried to do to The Bureaucracy in the past; the people may change, but the memories remain. Should you try anything and besmirch my record, I have paperwork to support my decisions up the asshole.

Which brings me back to you, asshole.

You are a festering taint stain on the underwear of humanity. You are a horrible excuse for a human being, who chooses to substitute his on perverted version of reality for real reality. You are emotionally and intellectually inferior to most people on the planet, with the possible exception of the people that cancelled Arrested Development. If you substituted your face and your ass, I doubt that people would now the difference. I would beat you about the head until you suffered from permanent brain damage, but I doubt that anyone would know the difference. You are delusional, obstinate, and, frankly, a poor excuse for a human being. You are the best reason I have heard why abortion should continue to be legal in this country. I wish a pox on your children, your children's children, and your children's children's children's children.

You'll notice that I left our your children's children's children, mostly because I want to give them a false sense of security as they slowly go mad from, let's say... Syphilis.

So, if you could please, quickly die and burn in hell, I would be most appreciative.

In sum: get bent asshole.

Sincerely,

"O"
The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

Green Economic Development

As a follow up to the post here, I wanted to address the very real possibility of a functional "green" economic development policy being... erm... developed. Indeed, with the fifth anniversary of September 11th already in the past, it becomes obvious that our dependence on foreign sources of energy is a hindrance to our anti-terrorism policies. This alone should be a motivating factor in embracing a total energy efficiency policy.

The City of Pittsburgh has some significant opportunities in this arena, including, but not limited to, the presence of several professional organizations, the availability of urban infill development, and the capacity for innovation. The question is, however, given all of that, how exactly should we pursue a policy that makes us more "green", thereby reducing our reliance on foreign energy?

A couple of broad (really broad... broad like the ocean broad) recommendations from somebody that is blitz out of her mind on Victory Hops Ale:

(1) Across all City departments, establish a clear energy and "green" policy for internal and operational purposes;
(2) Across all City departments, establish a clear energy and "green" policy for external and contractual purposes;
(3) Establish market driven incentives to further and enhance goals 1 and 2.

Seems simple enough, eh? But when you get down to the nitty-gritty details, you can see that, at least in the short run, you're going to have some significant trade offs to make and some significant policy choices that may drive off those that are more attuned to the short term bottom line (rather than the long term outcomes).

Still, with some competitive advantages at hand, it seems silly for the City not to build on something like this.