How to Win Back the Red States

Since the 2004 election when so many of our Liberal hearts had been broken, the powers-that-be in the Democratic Party have analyzed to death the apparent decimation of Liberal ideals at the national level. Significant too is the death of Democratic control in the national legislature and in the various state legislatures. The Republicans have found a way to increase the turnout of people sympathetic to their cause (or causes), while the Democrats have not.

The result is an obvious erosion of the Democratic base, and a questionable future for the Democratic Party.

Many plans have been set out to combat this problem, most notable of which is the Howard Dean plan to take the Democratic Message out to the heart of the so-called Red States. The hope, it seems, is that once confronted with the ideals of the Democratic Party, like-minded individuals will realize the errors of their ways and begin to vote Democratic.

This plan, as elegant as it is in its simplicity, belies a larger flaw, i.e., there is no guarantee for the Democratic Party that campaigning in the Red-States will convert anyone to our message. Moreover, in the long run there is no guarantee that those who do convert will consistently vote with the Party, and not cross over to the other side.

The Democratic Party's problems are also compounded by a few other, seemingly unrelated issues:

(1) Those with higher education tend to vote liberal;
(2) The Democrats are strong in the Cities, and not in the suburbs;
(3) Those with higher education tend to have fewer children.

In the long run, only a drastic strategy of personal sacrifice will wrest control of this country from the hands of the conservatives. Democrats must be willing to direct all of their combined energies towards the achievement of this goal, as difficult as it may seem now. We Democrats cannot be held hostage to what we know is a radical minority interest in the Country, and we must come together to outwit, out perform, and, above all, out number the Right Wing.

With all this in mind, and after careful consideration, there can only be one solution to this long term problem: the Democratic Party must out breed the Republicans. This will be a difficult, long term task, but one which I believe our Party is willing to undertake for the good of the Country.

The Democrats are positioned to take advantage of several key unique features of members of the Party in order to facilitate the breeding process.

First, it has been noted by several prominent culture critics, that the Democratic Party is by far the most attractive of the two Parties. Compare, for example, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi with House Majority Leader Tom Delay. I believe I can safely say without contradiction that the country would rather wake up in bed after a drinking binge with Ms. Pelosi instead of Mr. Delay.

Moreover, our virtual lock on the media establishment enhances our ability to not only make our party members seemingly more attractive (through hazy filters, body doubles, etc.), but also to establish them as the media deigned pinnacle of human excellence.

Second, as is evident by the conduct of our 42nd President, the Democratic Party has been known to be, as our British brethren would say, "a bit randy." While the other party has had its own sexual indiscretions, the Democratic party is by far much more open about consensual sex, public groping, and other lascivious actions. This hint of sexual titillation inherent in our party will only enhance the appeal of the breeding plan.

Third, our generally laissez-faire attitude towards controlled, mood altering substances will allow our less attractive Democrats to meet and reproduce at a rate commensurate with the more attractive members of our Party. This plan is largely the same as the strategy developed on college campuses to increase copulation rates

Unfortunately, despite our distinction as the Party of "Gettin' Some," the breeding process will need to involve the formation of families to control the indoctrination Stage of the Breeding Process. To the dismay of many of our Party members, we will have to settle down, get jobs, and raise the children. Divorce will be out of the question. Single family and divorced households will be fine for Republicans, but not for the sexually charged Democrats.

In all, there are two major Phases to the plan: First the Homsteading, Second the Breeding.

Stage 1 of the Homesteading Phase involves loyal Democratic Homesteaders marrying (or domestic partnering) and moving out to traditionally Republican areas. For the sake of efficiency, the first step of this migration should involve tackling districts that are only marginally Republican (or those that have been Gerrymandered so), in order to win over certain house seats. The first wave of settlers must be from solidly Democratic areas (New York, Chicago, Boston, DC, etc.) so that the impact of the loss of these voters will be negligible in their home Cities. It would be foolish to expect first-wave settlers from such marginally held areas as New Hampshire or parts of Ohio. After they are substantially settled in their new homes, Homesteaders will move on to the Breeding Phase.

As areas become "secure," more Homesteaders will be required to push out into the Red Frontier, ever increasing their numbers.

Once Stage 1 of the Homesteading Phase is complete, these first Democratic Settlers need to move to Phase 2: breeding. Settler families will be required to have at least 4 children, effectively doubling the number of Democratic voters in the area, and providing for two back-up votes. For the average party family, four to five children would be adequate to show dedication to the Liberal cause. The more fervid of members, however, should strive for at least nine or ten children. Party leaders would be expected to have nearly a dozen offspring. This Phase II will be far more difficult than Phase I for Democrats, because our belief in Birth Control, Abortion, and Women's Rights. Unfortunately, for the sake of the Greater Good, these values will have to be abandoned so that women can remain constantly pregnant with future Democrats.

If only the Party could have retained a greater share of the American Catholic vote, such extreme measures would not be necessary.

This strategy will also be hard on our loyal gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered brothers, sisters and brother/sisters. As our goal of domestic partnerships cannot be reached as of yet, and this precludes homosexual partners adopting children, the GLBT community will have to "take one for the team," as it were, and participate in the breeding as well. While this may be an inconvenience, our GLBT Friends must realize that heterosexual copulation is the only route to homosexual marriage. I believe that once this is understood, the suburbs will be teeming with Democratically Inclined Gay Babies.

The Breeding Strategy, I will admit, is a long term strategy. Given the Constitution and human growth patterns, I would estimate that our Democratic Breeding Strategy must last at least 25 years, in order to educate and bring new voters to maturity.

Still, in the interim, the Democratic Breeders need to be on guard against Right-Wing propaganda in the form of Public Education. If not checked, these hotbeds of radical conservatism could influence future Democratic voters to lean towards right-wing positions on gun control, environmentalism, God, and the Middle East. While some leakage is inevitable, it would probably behoove Breeders to home-school their future voters in order to protect them from the evils of "popular" right-wing culture. Those that are more cautious may feel the need to establish Democratic ghettos or compounds throughout the Red States, where fellow liberals can associate freely and educate their children without interference from the government.

It is vitally important, however, that we do not merely sit still in our cosy neighborhoods content to concentrate our votes. Any concentration of left-wing voters can be easily Gerrymandered around by nefarious, single-child Republican legislators. In order to be maximally effective, we must always be willing to spread ourselves out in even the most remote of places. This plan, from the very outset, involves the endless expansion into the West, wrestling it from the unwashed heathens, as is our preordained manifest destiny from God/Allah/YHWH/Shiva/No One.

Guided, therefore, by the Creator (if any) and the inexorable tide of human history, it is imperative that we, the members of the Democratic party, settle down, get a mortgage, start shagging, and pop out babies. Only by breeding like rabbits can we hope to turn the country away from the utter nonsense foisted upon us by the other party.