Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Victim #5

Less than a week to go, and here I am with a slew of Mayoral Candidates' Web Pages to mock, in my own smarmy way.

Well, maybe not a slew... more like Five.

And I already did one candidate for the primary. Just FYI, and in case you were wondering: Bob is STILL a True Son of Pittsburgh with now added emphasis in Yellow.

But, speaking of other colours:

Titus North

Take a wild guess what colour the GREEN Candidate for mayor used on his website.

Go on... guess.


Give up?

The Answer is mauve.


No, it's GREEN. F'ing GREEN! NO originality here. Titus probably named his dog "Dog", his children "Son" and "Daughter", and his blue plaid jacket "an abomination unto humanity."

Actually the photo of Titus (in the plural, "Titii"), isn't too bad, athough he looks like Grover's bastard love child, probably conceived during a hot orgy with the Letters Q, T, and the Number 5. If THAT statement didn't ruin your childhood innocence, you've obviously not read this blog before.

The Titus North Issues Page are chock full of relevant, local public policy decisions that need to be made by the next mayor, including improving public schools, saving public transportation, and ending the occupation in Iraq.

Errr... wha? [Seriously? That's what it says? Huh.]

Um... dude? You realize, of course, that... um... you're running for Mayor of Pittsburgh, right? And that your authority wouldn't even extend into Mt. Oliver, right? I just think we should be clear on that matter before you try to reinstitute the Smoot-Hawley tarrif, mkay?

Moving on.

Here are some ideas (or, as the President likes to say, "eye-dears") from Titus' Issues Page:

* Renegotiate the contracts governing the operation of the stadiums to provide the city with more revenue, and end the corporate welfare going to sports franchises;
* End the huge executive salaries of UPMC by making them pay city service fees;
* End the War on Drugs;
* Stop Police from being racist or brutal;
* Maintain viable public transit;
* Improve schools;
* Build the Green Party.
OK, I lied. There really were no ideas, just statements.

Searching further, I see that Titus is for gouging the Salvation Army, putting Police in Boxes, giving disabled people abandoned buildings, sad songs at midnight, and kicking puppies.

I could be wrong about that though.

The Events Page is pretty sparse. Someone might want to think about inviting Titus out for a drink or a hummus sandwich.

Here's a little snippet from the Volunteer/Donate page:
You are also welcome to join us for campaign meetings every Saturday morning at The Quiet Storm, 5430 Penn Ave, Pittsburgh 15206 (Friendship/Garfield) beginning at 9:30 a.m. It's best to email first in case there's a change in plans.
I think this means either
(a) The meeting is cancelled if Steve's mom won't let him borrow the Camry,
(b) The campaign may, and with out warning, be cancelled, or
(c) The Green Party is seriously toked on Friday nights.

The Bio Page is also pretty sparse. University of Pittsburgh adjunct (read: "not a real") professor, blah, blah, blah, political and financial analyst, blah, blah, blah, Japanese translator, blah, blah, blah, banjo, blah HOLY SHIT! Dude is a friggin' karate instructor!

I take back all the horrible things I've said above, in fear that this peace activist will kick my ass all over the City.

Needs more Greene. Also, spellcheck keeps autocorrecting 'Titus' as 'Tits'; I'd vote for "Tits North," by the way.

Titus is a whack job, not qualified to be mayor of Pittsburgh; nominate him instead to the Supreme Court.

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