Victim #7

Last one. I swear.

In case you missed them:
Victim #6
Victim #5
Victim #2

and for those of you that remember when the race was actually interesting:
Victim #1
Victim #3
Victim #4

Anyway...

David Tessitor

OK, Bill Peduto's flashing caused me to have an epileptic seizure...
Bob O'Connor's hair scared me...
Michael Lamb's head looked like a bucket...
Joe Weinroth wouldn't stop shouting...
Titus North was green...
Les Ludwig was minimalistic suckitude.

But none of these pages made my head hurt as much as Tessitor's.

Here's a sample:

David Tessitor's guiding question is: "Who do we have here and what do we need to do to take care of us?" It means taking care of what we have, both in terms of people and the built and natural environment. It also means not trying to be something we aren't and not foresaking everything in hopes of courting favor with people who couldn't care less.

In case you're confused: guiding question effectively underlies all decision making, whether it is expressly stated or vaguely conceptualized and unspoken.

Look, I don't like to admit this, but I've read Aristotle, I've read Kant, I've read St. Anselm ("That which a greater cannot be thought cannot be thought to be greater than a that which a greater can be thought.")... but Tessitor's page is so full of aethereal vagaries and solopsistic syllogisms that it makes my head hurt. Add a few ispo factos and QEDs and you'll have the beginnings of a Political Philosophy PhD dissertation.

I need a drink to continue.

Mmm... beer.

Dave (I) reminds us that two of the last four mayors of Pittsburgh were Independents (Caligiri and Flaherty). He doesn't mention, of course, that these guys were basically disaffected members of the Democratic machine... and that Flaherty was first elected in 1968.

You don't want to know how old I was at the time.

Anyway, on to Dave's page:

News
404 Not Found

Hmmm... Someone should call their webmaster.

Platform
404 Not Found

OK... Someone should fire their webmaster.

Accomplishments
404 Not Found

Seriously? The webmaster needs to be beaten.

Current Efforts
404 Not Found

People! C'mon! WTF?

Qualifications
404 Not Found

Un-fucking-believable!

Dave's Writings
404 Not Found

BAH! To Hell with this!

Platform
Ooh! Found something.

Let's look at Dave's Strategy for Education:
Apparently, and I am not making this up, Dave believes: The primary reason Asian immigrant children excel in school is that up to three or more generations of the family may gather around the kitchen table to go over the day's lessons, the elder family members learning and teaching themselves along with the children.

Hear that Black people! Stop smoking those menthol cigarettes and eating ribs and start teaching your children! You Honkeys: Stop watching reality TV and wearing plaid! And you Hispanics... well... you're hopeless. And let's not even mention those greaseball goombas, those micks, or the Krauts. Fuck the Dutch.*

I'm going to say that Dave's Educational Strategy needs a bit of tweeking.

But let's not even start on the Neighborhood Integrated Services Committees.

Summary
Dave... Dude. Seriously. Dude. Have you ever looked at your hands... I mean... really looked at your hands. OOOH! Taco shells!

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* This, of course, is all satire. I love people of all races, creeds, nationalities, sexual orientations, and genders. 'Cept the Dutch.**
** This, of course, is also satire. I don't even know any Dutch people.***
*** This is a lie.