Friday, May 12, 2006

The NSA Has Already Read this Post

Dear NSA,

By now nearly everyone in the good ol' US of A has heard about your new secret database of phone calls from tens of millions of Americans. By now, I'm sure that you've also heard that about 65% of Americans are "OK" with the program. Actually, now that we know about this program, I'm sure that you know about what we've said about the program, and I'm sure that you know that we know that you know what we've said. Anyway, now that the whole secret program isn't all that "secret" anymore, I guess we can talk about it a bit.

Listen: I'm not one of those lilly-livered liberals that's going to tell you that this whole program is a violation of the 4th Amendment, or that it's "un-American," or that it's a violation of the Telecommunications Act. I'm not going to whip out some Ben Franklin quote that goes "those that would trade liberty for security deserve neither." I wouldn't stoop to saying such things.

I'm going to tell you that I think this is a really good idea, and I hope that with my support you will do me a few little favors in exchange for my continued support:

(1) Can you please tell me who keeps calling me at work and hanging up. It's become a real nuisance recently, as whoever keeps calling makes it through my 10 second voicemail message and then hangs up, using up space in my voice mailbox. This usually happens 5-6 times a day. As I'm an employee of the government (I'm in the book), I can only assume that this person is attempting, via nefarious means, to somehow undermine the local government by preventing me from undertaking my vital duties, and is therefore a terrorist. You might want to look into that.

(2) On April 21, 2006 my SO and I ordered a green pepper and sausage pizza from the local pizza delivery place (you know the one). When it arrived, we received, not green pepper and sausage, but green pepper and pepperoni. We called the manager of the store back to complain, but he insisted that we ordered green pepper and pepperoni. We demanded our money back, but he refused. Now, I'm assuming that you have record of this call, so if you could please call them up and help us get our money back, that would also be appreciated. Also, I think the owner, Mr. Papadapolous, is a terrorist.

(3) Speaking of my SO, yesterday she called me at work and, I must admit, I was a little distracted. This tends to happen to me when I'm busy doing my patriotic duty for the county and performing vital duties in the pursuit of Freedom. Anyway, I sort of missed what she said about halfway through and I kinda zoned out there for awhile. Point being: later in the evening, she asked what I thought about XXXX. I replied with a standard non-committal shrug, and she quickly caught on that I hadn't remembered the previous conversation from earlier in the day at all. I slept that night on the couch. So, in order to prevent further occurrences like this, I'd like to be able to call you guys up for some key talking points when this happens again. Besides, I think that the couch is harboring terrorists.

Well, I hope that we're in agreement: I'll extol the benefits of a Government with constitutionally protected rights against unreasonable searches and seizures spying on its own citizens, and you provide me with some key information to make my life a slight bit easier.

I think it's a fair trade.


The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

P.S. Did you know that Chris was going to be out on Idol? Couldn't you have done anything to prevent it? If only you had connected the dots, this national tragedy wouldn't have happened.

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