Monday, December 04, 2006

John Bolton Bought out by Bank of New York

Announces Candidacy for Mayor of Pittsburgh and a Return to the Moon

(AP) Pittsburgh, Cape Canaveral - In a surprise joint announcement by NASA, Mellon Bank, the Bank of New York, and the Bush Administration, John Bolton will be bought out by the Bank of New York, run for Mayor of Pittsburgh, and be blasted off to the Moon.

"This is, indeed, a moment of great significance for me, my family, the shareholders, the scientific community, and the people of Pittsburgh," said Mr. Bolton from prepared remarks at the United Nations building in New York City.

The announcement came as a shock to Washington, Pittsburgh, Financial, and Space insiders. The normally recalcitrant Bolton was seen by many as a liability for the Bush administration, with his brusk tone and confrontational nature, but is now being greeted by all parties as a positive asset.

"Early indications are that perhaps this is a good thing for the region," said Mr. Ravenstahl, himself also a candidate for Mayor. Early polls indicate that Mr. Ravenstahl is ahead of Mr. Bolton in a theoretic matchup 64% to 13%, although Mr. Bolton leads Mr. Ravenstahl in a theoretical "left on the moon" scenario 54% to 46%.

The move, if approved by regulators, the Federal Elections Committee, S.E.T.I. and shareholders, would create an interstellar money mustache powerhouse. The Bank of New York has more than $16.6 trillions in assets under its purview, Pittsburgh contains over 250,000 residents, and the moon contains 12 billions tons of what is being described as "Green Cheese."

With the return of control of both the House and the Senate to the Democrats, it seemed unlikely that Mr. Bolton, a recess appointment, would be confirmed by a hostile Congress. In recent days, it became apparent that the only solution was to blast the current Ambassador to the United Nations to the Moon, after concluding a leveraged buyout, and running for mayor of a mid sized US City.

Mr. Bolton's Chief of Staff and mission manager stated that he would run on a simple platform of: "Redding up the City of Pittsburgh, lowering taxes, providing free mustache rides, and burning up upon reentry into Earth's atmosphere."

Mustache rides were down on Wall Street to $10/share on the news; shares of Wilfred Brimley were up by $.25 to $12.35.

Bank of New York CEO Thomas A. Renyi will serve as chairman of the board of Directors in the new Bank of New Bolton, as well as chairman of the Pittsburgh Urban Redevelopment Authority, and will get to do the countdown.

The liftoff is schedule for January 2008.

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