The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: Where's the Fun in That?

The Rules of Bureaucracy

Rule #O: "The Rules of Bureaucracy are mutable, non-canonical, non-ordinal, and contradictory, except in the cases where they are not."
Rule #1: "Document everything you do; if you didn't write it down, it didn't happen."
Rule #2 [The Sixty Minutes Rule]: "Never do anything that would cause Ed Bradley, Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, Steve Croft, Leslie Stahl, or even Andy Rooney to persue you down a hallway with a camera crew."
Rule #3: "Nothing Simple is Ever Easy"
Rule #4: "It's about the money; follow the money."
Rule #5: "Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Rule #6: "Politics is the enemy of good government."
Rule #7: "The biggest detriment to public service is the public."
Rule #8: "The second biggest detriment to public service is the service."
Rule #9: "There's a reason; there's ALWAYS a reason."
Rule #10: "The Law is a harsh mistress: The rigorous and exacting application of which can benefit of society when used correctly to advance good policy and block bad, and be the bane of society when used incorrectly to advance bad policy and block good."
Rule #11: "Public service often involves waking up in the morning, opening up the newspaper, and discovering that someone, somewhere out there thinks that you're a dickhead."
Rule #12: "No one really knows what you do."
Rule #13 [Luke's Rule]: "No one ever acts like the bastard they really are."
Rule #14: "Bureaucracy endures."
Rule #15: "The longer you work in bureaucracy, the more Catch-22 resembles non-fiction."
Rule #16: "Politicians are not smarter than you."
Rule #18: "Money is not created equal."
Rule #19: "Mediocrity is normalcy."
Rule #17: "Within any bureaucratic structure, resources (e.g. people, money, knowledge, etc.) are not distributed uniformly."
Rule #20: "Don't assume a fiduciary liability without a committed resource allocation."
Rule #21: "If you do your job and obey the law, they can't reasonably fire you."
Rule #22: "The Budget will always be wrong."
Rule #23: "Always sign in blue."
Rule #24: "A Bureaucrat must be able to explain and justify his/her actions to laymen without resorting to the phrase 'because the Rules say so.'"
Rule #25: "Never voluntarily relinquish control of an original document."
Rule #26: "Sometimes you just have to say 'Screw the rules'"
Rule #27: "Change sucks."
Rule #28: "Sometimes the answer is 'No.'"
Rule #29: "It is very easy to make difficult decisions when no one has a clue what's going on."
Rule #30: "If you hang around long enough, eventually you will become an expert in something."
Rule #31: "Data, technology, and automatic processes can never completely supplant human interaction."
Rule #32: "Cover thine own ass."
Rule #33: "It's not real until it has its own acronym."
Rule #34:There is nothing more dangerous than an elected, resourceful idiot.
Rule #35: It will always take longer than expected.
Rule #36: Coming Soon...

Monday, April 26, 2010

Where's the Fun in That?

Via the Pittsburgh Business Times: Pittsburgh ranks No. 12 on 'Fun Cities' list (full report here)... which, frankly, is a bit bizarre as I don't know anyone in this City that I would consider "fun".

Of course, my idea of "fun" is a night discussing Wiggenstein and eating packets of mustard in the back seat of someone's car.

Anywho, we scored high in "Food & Drink" (4) & "Low Impact Sports" (8); moderate in "Culture" (20), "Popular Entertainment" (20), and "Shopping" (21), and lowest in "High Impact Sports" (34) and -- get this -- "Gambling" (53). Obviously "Food & Drink" is buoyed by our ever so liberal drinking laws, and they didn't include "Pothole Dodging" or "Jaywalking" in High Impact Sports.

But, you have to compare it to the bottom five: Provo, Utah (last); McAllen, Texas; Modesto and Bakersfield, California; and El Paso TX. God, those places must be veritable suck-holes of fun... the place where clowns and toys go to die.

Now, back to contemplating das Senf an sich.

6 comments:

Mark Rauterkus said...: Utah = multiple wives = #1 in fun.

Too bad multiple governments and multiple OVERLORDS are not as valued in the fun category as much. Then we'd rock.

Once our water polo league gets additional press coverage, we'll soar in the rankings as the high impact sports potential is dragging us down yet that category for Pittsburgh is full of undiscovered potential.; 9:17 AM
Jake said...: You forget "getting the sh!t kicked out of you by the police for looking shady" under not-included High Impact Sports.; 2:20 PM
Bram Reichbaum said...: Is Wiggenstein yinzer for Wittgenstein, or are you talking about, um, this?; 5:35 PM
O said...: "Wittgenstein"/"Wiggenstein" ... it all sounds the same after twelve packets of mustard.; 11:33 PM
Teutonic Titwillow said...: El Paso: if the US gets an enema, that's where they'll plug it in.

Pittsburgh, from the great Preston Sturges:

Studio Exec: They loved it in Pittsburgh.

Frustrated Director: Ah, what do they know in Pittsburgh?

Studio Exec: They know what they like.

Frustrated Director: If they knew what they liked, they wouldn't live in Pittsburgh.; 3:43 PM
Anonymous said...: dick, dick, dick: the fun starts after 4:00 pm.

you're too drunk by then to enjoy it.; 5:18 PM

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Monday, April 26, 2010

Where's the Fun in That?

6 comments:

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