Tuesday, September 01, 2009

G-20 Visitors Guide (Pt. 1)

Hello and Welcome to the Official G-20 Pittsburgh Visitor's Guide. We hope that you find this guide useful during your stay here or that you plagiarize large segments of it back in your country of origin.

Overview

Pittsburgh is a city of about 350,000 people in the Southwestern Pennsylvania region of the United States; the population of the metropolitan area is roughly 2.4 million, although only 350,000 of them are actual "Pittsburghers," with the rest being an unclassified subspecies. If you travel outside of the region, you will also find people that refer to themselves as "Pittsburghers" and show some of the same characteristics of "Pittsburghers" but they are not technically "Pittsburghers" -- they are traitors.

The City is situated at the confluence of the Allegheny and Monongahela rivers, which join to form the Ohio. Of these three, only the Allegheny and Ohio are ever mentioned, because no one can correctly pronounce the word "Monongahela." Best not to even mention the Youghiogheny River.

Pittsburgh has a rich history, a high standard of living, but is reasonably priced. Locals expect the area to be completely ruined by the end of the G-20 conference.

Districts

There are four main districts in Pittsburgh: Northside, Southside, East End, and Downtown. People from Northside, Southside and East End are only allowed to visit Downtown, and not the other districts. Crossing bridges, valleys, and hills within these districts is generally frowned upon. Visitors to Pittsburgh must select a District and may not leave until their visit is complete.

Within these districts, there are 90 official neighborhoods with over 50 additional or sub-neighborhoods which everyone knows about and nobody can easily define. There are also 130 additional municipalities that exist immediately outside (and in one case within) the City proper. These can be safely ignored, for all intents and purposes, unless you need to call the police, get trash picked up, or your house is burning down. New municipalities are always forming in the Region and visitors are invited to form their own local government as a recreational activity.

Understanding Pittsburgh...

* History

The First people to settle in the Pittsburgh Region were the Lenape Native American tribe, who took the wrong exit off a trail and settled at the "Forks of the Ohio."  Their descendants just sort of hung around with nowhere else to go.  The region was later re-discovered by the French and then later re-rediscovered by the British, who decided to build a fort, which was determined to be a non-conforming use and was torn down by the French. The French built a larger fort named for the Governor of New France "Fort Duquesne," although his real first name was "Michel-Ange," which was determined to be a little too French, even for them.

In order to advance his own job security, future American General, Statesman and first-President George Washington started the French and Indian war over the control of this fort. This war was later called the "Seven Years War" in Europe, because of superior marketing ability overseas. The British took control of the Fort Duquesne site, renaming it Fort Pitt, and
began expunging proper French pronunciation from the Region. This is why the towns of "Du Bois" and "Versailles" are pronounced as if you've had a stroke.

At some point, steel happened and it defined the Region; then it stopped, which also defined the Region.


The Steelers won 6 Superbowl championships during this period.  

* People

Native Pittsburghers are referred to as "Yinzers". A native Pittsburgher is one who has lived his/her entire life in Pittsburgh, and can trace lineage back to some sort of smelting industry or George Washington. "Yinzer" is a colloquial term from the Scots-Irish meaning "Pittsburgher." Yinzers speak a language that closely resembles English, if it were spoken through a long tube while drunk and deaf.

A large number of Pittsburghers come from Eastern European stock, but many African-Americans made their way to the City as part of the great black migration in the early part of the last century. Pittsburgh has no other minority groups to speak of, unless you count Hungarians.

Native garb is generally in the form of a Pittsburgh Steeler's jersey, and is appropriate to wear in all formal or casual occasions. The jersey is usually accompanied by a gold towel with black embossed lettering, which is used as a cerimonial greeting to other Pittsburghers.

* Land

Pittsburgh has been called a City of hills and rivers, although this is not true. Geologically speaking, it is a City of *valleys* caused by erosion into the rivers. This is something to consider as you are sliding backwards down a 34% grade in the Beechview neighborhood.

The three rivers in Pittsburgh can be used for recreational purposes or dumping raw sewage. Please note that none of Pittsburgh's Rivers have ever caught fire, a point which you will be repeatedly reminded of if you come from North Eastern Ohio.  

There are 1700 bridges in the City and surrounding county; 1650 of them are under construction currently.

* Tourist Information

Tourists are advised to contact the Greater Pittsburgh Visitors and Convention Bureau, unless you speak one of them foreign languages.

Getting in...

* By plane

Currently the USAirways plane to Pittsburgh is delayed in Newark. Plans for a second plane are part of USAirways' bankruptcy proceedings.

* By bus

Greyhound Buslines serves a new, state of the art homeless and pre-op transsexual hooker population. The architecture of this building is noted for its lack of an electronic billboard.

* By car

You will know that you are approaching Pittsburgh from any direction by the sudden increase in potholes. This is a feature of the Greater Pittsburgh Visitors Bureau to get people to slow down and take in the majesty that is Pittsburgh. Also, it is to help raise rental car tax revenue after you break your axle on the Turnpike.

If you come in from the Southwest or East, you will approach a large, dark tube like structure through a hill. This is called a "tunnel." As fascinating as this "tunnel" may be, please do not slow down.

* By train

Trains are available at the Carnegie Science Center. No luggage.

"Getting Around," "Things to See and Do," and other stuff in the next part...

31 comments:

Anonymous said...

Amazing

Roberto Cofresi said...

ADB goes epic. Bravo.

Sherry said...

love this!

Anonymous said...

Classic

Maria said...

Perfection

Anonymous said...

and that, ladies and gents, is Pittsburgh, Thank you for taking the tour!

Anonymous said...

amazing

Gloria said...

Had you posted this sooner, you'd have saved Bill Flanagan some dough.

Love it, good job.

Anonymous said...

You are Awesome!!!!!!!

Mattt said...

Amazing, amazing write-up. How have I not come across this site sooner?

Henry Kleber said...

booyah.

Sara Bee said...

Makes me even more excited to be moving back to Pittsburgh next week. Thanks.

Vannevar said...

Solid Burgh.

Emma R. said...

transsexual hooker joke = not funny, kind of regrettable. the rest of this is pretty funny.

Mark Rauterkus said...

South Side = two words.

Did you mention ticket scalpers for the G-20 will gather each day before 8 am at the Wood Street T-Stop.

Matt H said...

Nice!

Sara said...

Fabulous posting.

Just as a point of clarification, the first people to Pittsburgh were here several thousand years before the Lenape (not to mention the Monongahela) and took their wrong turn out of Siberia, or perhaps Greenland. Not that it really matters.

mds said...

There are also 130 additional municipalities that exist immediately outside (and in one case within) the City proper.

Yeah, what is Mount Oliver's deal? I hate having to go through that customs checkpoint on Ormsby.

NutellaonToast said...

"If you come in from the Southwest or East, you will approach a large, dark tube like structure through a hill. This is called a "tunnel." As fascinating as this "tunnel" may be, please do not slow down."

Win!

Anonymous said...

What everyone else said, plus 1, except for the tranny thing, which I understood to not be a joke.

AlanSmithee said...

Oh Cripes! Not hills again! St. Paul, Pittsburgh, why do these things always have to take place in the hilliest cities in america? Oh my aching feet...

Anonymous said...

Well done, sir, well done.

MsTeb said...

awesome

mds said...

St. Paul, Pittsburgh, why do these things always have to take place in the hilliest cities in america?

Because there's no way G-20 could be on the level.

Σ said...

No love for the West End in your "Districts" section?

Anonymous said...

The Allegheny River has caught on fire. Make sure your history is accurate before you quote so.

Anonymous said...

Boring! Does anyone out there have anything original to say? Pittsburghers (excuse me, Yinzers have been using these same lines for years!

casacaudill said...

As a former non-native resident, I thank you for the many laughs.

Anonymous said...

Amazing

goldinenator said...

И на это тратит время без пяти минут кадидат наук!:)
Молодец! Жить надо весело! Люблю тебя! Папа

O said...

And this time without spending five minutes kadidat Sciences!:)
Done! Life must be lived fun! Love you! Dad


Log off goldinenator, you're drunk.