Test of the Emergency Cynic System

This is a test of the Emergency Cynic System. This is only a test.

Does anyone else find it odd that after so much hoopla over an administration that was supposed to bring "diversity" to City Government, it took O'Connor's successor to name an African-American as police chief?

Not to say that Mr. Harper isn't an exemplary candidate for this office, but this appointment wouldn't happen to have anything to do with shoring up support for Luke's 2007 run for mayor, now would it?

This has been a test of the Emergency Cynic System. The blogger on this page in voluntary cooperation with federal, state and local authorities has developed this system to keep you informed in the event of cynical ploys. If this had been an actual cynical ploy, the posting you just read would have been followed by official information, news or instructions.

This was only a test.


Tag(s): Cynicism

An Open Letter to Client #300

Dear Client #300:

In regards to your complaint letter of earlier this week, we at The Bureaucracy believe that we can correct the situation that you described in one of two ways.

The first option involves unicorns that fart magical rainbows and elves that grant our every wish. With gentle cajoling and some kind words, we may be able to build a fairy workshop that creates miracles. Then, if we go down to the wishing pond and give three coins to the mystical Mr. Tuggles, he'll be able to give us the pixie dust necessary to power the fair workshop.

The second option involves you correcting this situation on your own, yourself.

Bear with me as I explain something to you, as I'm sure you're all ready with a rainbow farting unicorn, and pay attention, because this concerns you:

THIS IS NOT MY FUCKING JOB!

Whatever it is you're asking me to do, I don't do that and I am not responsible for it in any sense. In fact, your complaint falls into no job category anywhere in The Bureaucracy and possibly no where within the Government(s) of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. What you have described is a situation between you and someone else, not the Government and certainly not me. If you have a problem with this person, you need act like a responsible adult and talk face to face with this other human being. Don't get me involved; it is not my job.

When you asked in your letter, "What are you going to do about this?" I have a very good answer, but I'm afraid that it is physically impossible for you, as you seem to already have your head crammed firmly up that orifice. So, I'm going to fall back on an old chestnut instead and say "Nothing."

If you have any other problems, please feel free to throw yourself under a bus and do us all a favor.

Sincerely,

"O"
The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

Tag(s): Rant

SETI Discovers Intelligent Life on City Council

(AP) - The SETI Organization has announced today that it has detected several signals from 414 Grant Street which seem to indicate the possibility of intelligent life on Pittsburgh City Council. SETI, which was founded 22 years ago to conduct scientific research and educational projects relevant to the origin, nature, prevalence, and distribution of life in the universe, recently has recently turned its attention to less obvious places in the universe where intelligence could exist.

Speaking from the organization's headquarters in Mountain View California, CEO Thomas Pierson released the news with obvious excitement.

"If confirmed, this would mark the first evidence that intelligence can exist within local government. This is a remarkable day for both the natural and political science communities."

On September 14, 2006, Frankin University Professor W. H. Effman turned the radio antenae of the "Big Ear" Observatory towards a small patch of space between Fourth and Forbes Avenues on Grant Street. The signal that was received was so strong and, most surprisingly, so lucid that Effman immediately saw that it could not have been caused by normal politicians.

"Even if it were intelligent beings sending a signal, they'd do it far more than once," Effman says. "So we looked for it again 50 times and every time we came up with the same reading. At this point we were sure it wasn't just errant an signal that simply got reflected off the Regional Enterprise Tower. We immediately contacted Tom [Pierson] to tell him the good news."

Effman's discovery of a narrow bank burst of intelligence
from Grant Street may make us rethink our relationship
to Pittsburgh City Council

Pierson was elated at the discovery. "I was expecting to see the usual background noise of bloviations, accusations, and pandering... none of which actually indicate critical thinking... but was shocked when I actually heard a critical and well reasoned discussion on the ability to maintain adequate infrastructure in the face of regional cluster development needs and how it impacts citizens at or below the poverty level. I'm not embarassed to say that I was giddy."

The SETI organization cautioned that more studies will need to be done, but the eventual hope is that someday the people of the City of Pittsburgh will at last be able to communicate with intelligent City Council people.

Tag(s): SETI, Pittsburgh City Council

A Post You Can't Refuse

Despite the best efforts of Virgil 'The Turk' Sollozzo with the backing of Barzini and Tattaglia, they hit me with five shots and mountains of needless of paperwork, but I'm still alive. Well that's bad luck for you.

Actually, the parallel between the mob hit and the events of last week in City Government aren't too far off the mark with Dennis "The Enforcer" Regan getting whacked upon the orders of Don Luke "Lucky" Ravenstahl. Now, setting aside the metaphor for a second, this creates an interesting situation for the current administration and is either a signal that the new Mayor is really smart or really dumb.

First, the smart bit: Luke is obviously going to run next November (more on this in a second) so he's going to need to create an administration and policies of his own to run on. While adherence to the previous O'Connor policies can serve for the transition period, eventually Luke is going to have to look like "his own man," or as Pete Flaherty said "nobody's boy." Distancing himself from Regan, a guy who was seen by many as nothing more than a nepotistic unqualified shill, will help to advance this perception of independence from the nastier points of the previous administration and mend fences with those that weren't in the good graces of Bob in the hopes of garnering a broader basis of support.

Then there is a dumb bit, however: from a pragmatic standpoint alienating the smokefilled-backroom boys of Bobby O' is going to also alienate their deep pockets. Despite his politically connected family, Ravenstahl's political cache is relatively small and his war chest is undeveloped. I cannot imagine that O'Connor's war chest was fully expended last year and I think it safe to assume that there is several thousand (potentially hundreds of thousands of) dollars that could be directed to a "Bobby O'" approved candidate. If anyone had access to this money, it would be Regan.

So, on to that issue. First, I must say that I was surprised that the board ruled the way that it did, given the representation of old school people with names like "Onorato" and "DeFazio". It sounded like a lock that they would put the election off until 2009, but there you go. Actually, I was more surprised that they didn't mandate that a Costa be mayor.

Anyway, Maria had posted a handful of people that would probably run in the May primary. Out of all of them Peduto and Lamb have the already established infrastructure for running a city-wide campaign and seem to be odds on favorites to throw their hats in the ring. Ravenstahl has already said that he's in, and he may have the advantage of the remnants of the defunct O'Connor machine (or, as I said above, he could either blow it or create his own base).

I don't think that Ferlo will run; I'm with Fester on this.

And then there's Ben Woods. All I can say is that if Ben Woods runs, at least the Trib won't be resorting to hyperbole when they call him "criminal."

Don't really know the intentions or have any feelings on Fitzgerald, or Frankel. The thought of Caliguiri running is disturbing; I'm not big on the scions of politicians using name recognition to advance in political office. Maybe it's just me.

Maria leaves off Auditor General and former City Councilman Jack Wagner who, back in the day, seemed to covet the job of Mayor. He's probably as good of a candidate as any with widespread voter recognition.

All that aside, the thought of another mayoral race in... oy... five and a half months makes me a little nauseous, partially because I ate some month old chicken salad that was hiding in the back of the fridge, but mostly because we all in local government were just beginning to get used to the O'Connor administration when it became the Ravenstahl administration

Change is a bitch, especially for Bureaucrats who thrive on constancy and regulation. To bring in a fourth Mayor in 780 days is going to really mess up my priorities and files.

The whole hasty election thing reminds me of the Roman Empire in 69 C.E. when, following the forced suicide of emperor Nero, there was civil war and a quick succession of four emperors Galba, Otho, Vitellius, and Vespasian. Sort of like how the City of Pittsburgh used to be organized... how they based it on the old Roman legions. It was like the Roman Empire. And when a plot against the Emperor failed -- the planners were always given a chance to let their families keep their fortunes. But only the rich guys; The little guys - they got knocked off and all their estates went to the Emperors. Unless they went home and uh, killed themselves - then nothing happened. And their families - their families were taken care of.

Otherwise, they got whacked.

Tag(s): Pittsburgh, The Godfather

On the Next Episode of the City of Pittsburgh...

On the Next Episode of the City of Pittsburgh...

Luke tells Dennis he's the new Director of Public Safety. Meanwhile, Bill and Doug plot against the Mayor and call Rich over at the Post-Gazette with incriminating evidence. Catherine drops a bombshell in front of Council, alleging that Dennis fixed Marlene's Brother's charges of Incompetency, Conduct Unbecoming an Officer, Neglect of Duty and Obedience to Orders and Laws. Jim and Doug almost come to blows in City Hall, over Catherine's charges. Sensing the tide turning, Luke withdraws the nomination just in time only to find out that his half sister's father's business parter is really the identical twin of his own long lost college roomate. Yarone, in his final, desperate moments, reveals himself not to be the Chief of Staff after all, but rather a clone of Bob O'Connor.

Tune in next week for another exciting episode of As the City Turns All My Politicians One City to Govern... Bah! I'll come up with something later.

Here and here are some snarky comments about the story thus far.

If anyone from Hollywood is reading this, by the way, City of Pittsburgh Politics would make for a great theme for a new sitcom. Think The West Wing meets The Office. Or perhaps, a more realistic version of Spin City.*

However, this is probably just the prologue to the bigger story. Obviously Peduto is not falling in line with the wishes of the Mayor's Office, nor was that to be expected. It seems, however, that both Sheilds and Bodack are slightly wavering on their allegiances. Elections are coming up in a couple of months for a handful of Council Seats and, should Ravenstahl policies run counter to District interests, more could head for the lifeboats. With a whole bunch of unelected people running the show, it seems that, should he wish to run for the office in 2007 or 2009, either Luke is going to have to cozy up to people outside this tiny clique or be seen a merely a puppet mayor beholden to these men behind the curtain. Luke will have to try to appeal to people outside of his base if he is serious about retaining the Mayor's Office. With no mandate, however, Luke lacks the political capital to enact anything other than what was already laid out by O'Connor. Can the obvious potential candidates for the Mayor's Office make political hay out of this? Tune in tomorrow for another exciting episode of The Old and the Connected.

Yeah, that one works.

*Seriously folks, almost no one in Pittsburgh Government is nearly as attractive as Michael J. Fox, Barry Bostwick, or even Alan Ruck. Well... maybe me.

Tag(s): Pittsburgh

Pittsburgh National Bank

Those of you old timers may remember when PNC Bank was plain ol' Pittsburgh National Bank instead of the lumbering juggernaut that you see today on the Fortune 500 list. I remember my local branch vividly, but now there's over 800 branches all up and down the east coast.

"Pittsburgh" indeed.

And, of course, following the recent acquisitions of United National Bancorp and Riggs National Bank, you have the just announced acquisition of Mercantile Bankshares Corp, which make PNC even larger.

But consider this: PNC is a big bank for around here, but it is still a regional bank and is not a major player in the world of international finance. All indicators show, however, that PNC is trying to make a move into "the big leagues" of banking. There are two options should PNC continue this course of action: keep gobbling up smaller banks, making PNC bigger OR be gobbled up by an even larger multinational.

Just a hunch, but we could see some massive layoffs around here should PNC readjust their core business functions or eliminate redundancies.

Tag(s): PNC

Boom!

I saw this and my first reaction was to soil myself.

Anyway, consider this:

The US invaded a hostile country known not to have nuclear weapons;
Is currently rattling sabres with another one that just wants them;
And has allowed a third to actually develop and test them.

Does anyone else see something fundamentally wrong with our policies, or is it me?

I'm off to change my armour and hide in the cellar.

Tag(s): North Korea

Dennis Regan Calls for Calm Over Sienna Miller Comment

(AP) - The Director of Operations and newly appointed Director of Public Safety for the City of Pittsburgh, has called for calm and has condemned the internet related violence following the release of a comment made by a semi-famous actress in an interview in Rolling Stone Magazine.

Dennis Regan made the announcement following a full day of flamewars on the Pittsburgh blogosphere. Regan encouraged all parties to put aside their differences and work towards "a peaceful resolution to this conflict."

"The Mayor is deeply concerned about the virtual violence and wishes to protect all n00bs, and stem the loss of virtual property and virtual life."

The violence that has swept across parts of the Pittsburgh Blogosphere has come in response to the publication in Rolling Stone Magazine of a quote by actress Sienna Miller calling the city "Shitsburgh". The statement was later retracted by a publicist, but not before several prominent blogs were sent up in flames. Four bloggers are confirmed dead, and several are missing, including Tunesmith.

High Ranking Judge Rufus Peckham called for the crucifixion of the Mysteries of Pittsburgh star and an agitator known only as "PittGirl" burned the actress in effigy. An unknown poster known only as "Anonymous" stripped naked and set himself on fire chanting "Death to Sienna!"

More Angry bloggers gathered at Pittsburgh Bloggers and launched Molotov cocktails through the virtual windows of RollingStone.com and burned copies of Ms. Miller's other movie, Alfie, which starred former lover Jude Law.

Mr. Law was busy with Ms. Miller's staff, and was unavailable for comment.

Tonight, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette and Pittsburgh Tribune-Review remain engulfed in flames in retaliation for printing the comments.

Regan blamed the violence on "radical extremists and fanatics" who are "adding fuel to the flames in order to push forward their own agendas," many using high-tech means -- like text messaging -- to spread false information before the City can respond to the crisis.

He warned that the situation could get worse if not stopped now.

"We are facing a growing Pittsburgh Blog crisis that has the potential to escalate beyond the control of government and other authorities," Regan told reporters in a news conference.

Tag(s): Sienna Miller, Shitsburgh

So Billy, do you like Gladiator Movies?

I wanted to avoid talking too much about the current Mark Foley (R-Eally Creepy) scandal, but it's like watching an accident on the highway, and you just have to rubberneck and gawk. Or, alternatively, it's drawing me like a moth to a flame... or a Freeper/Moonbat to a flamewar, take your pick of metaphor.

But, before I rip into the meaty goodness* that is this scandal, I thought I'd take the opportunity to lay out my personal biases:

First, and this is evident to anyone who reads this blog thing on a regular basis, I have a (shall we say) "left of center" bias. I hope this does not come as a shock to anyone who believes the internet to be full of non-partisan bliss and rainbow farting unicorns. Or anyone from Wampum.

Second, I work for The Government and Grover Norquist and his ilk want to drown me in a bathtub. Needless to say, I am not a Republican.

Third, my family is a product of the Democratic machine in the City of Pittsburgh. My great-grandmother would rise out of her grave and strangle me should I go "the other way."

OK, that's full disclosure. Let's move on.

NOW, I can't say that the Foley debacle doesn't fill me with some giddy pleasure. I'm not proud of this, I just enjoy seeing hypocrisy exposed.

Second, OK, for starters pedophilia is bad. Really bad. Really, really, really, bad. Go over to 2 Political Junkies, if you haven't already, and look at this clip. Now, while I appreciate the verbal smackdown by the Democratic operative, it would not be the tact I would have chosen. If I was on the hot seat, my only response would have been "At least the Democrats you've listed aren't pedophiles. Or have covered up for pedophiles. Are you suggesting, ma'am, that somehow the corruption of minors with the intent of committing devious acts is somehow equal to, say, regular corruption? And, if so, are you suggesting that pedophilia isn't so bad, by comparison? Ma'am, are you on the payroll of NAMBLA?"

Of course, his response was good too, and I'm not at all disappointed.

Third, I'd like to repeat the Nixonian maxim: "It's not the crime that gets you; it's the coverup."

Fourth, at this point, the Democratic strategy is clear: the leadership of the Republican party in the House of Representatives knowingly supported and enabled a pedophile through their actions and inactions. If you are thinking of voting Republican, do you think that you can, in good conscience, vote for a Republican knowing that the current, corrupt leadership will remain in power?

Fifth, the Democrats don't even have to convince Republicans to vote for them; they just have to convince Republicans that they should stay home on November 7th. Marginal goals.

But, of course, this is all from a Bureaucrat, not a Politician. Alas, I'm incorruptible.**

*Which is, I'm sure, what Rep. Foley called the Senate pages.
**At least until a better offer comes around.

Tag(s): Mark Foley

Flotsam and Jetsam

Like the Hudson River, I have a lot of junk in my head. Every now and then it has to come out in strange and disturbing ways. Here goes:

---
With today's appointment of Yarone Zober to the URA board, the Ferlo household now holds 40% of the votes on that board. Might as well hold board meetings in the kitchen.

---
If you haven't already, read the excerpt from the Colin Powell biography in the Washington Post. The damned thing reads like a friggin' Shakespearean Tragedy... only with fewer men dressed up as women. (Jeff Gannon excluded).

---
Pittsburgh is ripe with job opportunities in law enforcement, both at the City and the County level. Post your resume today at Monster.com. Qualified applicants should have 20+ years of law enforcement experience, a shady background, and distinguishable features.

---
It's only October and I'm already sick of the midterm elections.

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The Mark Foley (R - Eally Creepy) case continues to expand. Remember the old Nixonian maxim: it's not the crime that gets you, it's the coverup. No word on whether anyone else in the GOP caucus likes gladiator movies.

---
I think that's it for now. More later as my head accumulates more junk.

Tag(s): Yarone Zober, Jim Ferlo, Colin Powell, Mark Foley, Gladiator Movies