BREAKING NEWS: Moses Invests in Penguins

Jewish prophet promises "arena flowing with Milk and Honey" following 40 years of wandering through last place.


More Details Inside:

• Five players die as new owner parts training rink (Page 2);
  
• All Friday night/Saturday games cancelled (Page 4);
  
• Ten new rules of conduct issued; back checking to be punished with "stoning" (Page 7);
  
• Minor arboreal fire reported at Crawford Street and Wylie Avenue (Page 10);
  
• Local Blogger carries running gag to groan inducing, predictable and ludicrous conclusions (Page 1138).

Tag(s): Pittsburgh Penguins

BREAKING NEWS: Jesus Saves Penguins

New Jersey Devils thrown to the fires of Gehenna. Miroslav Satan condemned to icey 9th circle of hell to chew Judas, Casius and Brutus for all eternity.


Frozen afterlife considered to be an advantage during playoffs.

Tag(s): Pittsburgh Penguins

BREAKING NEWS: Rendell Saves Pens

Resolution on Pencils, Crayons expected imminently. Markers to remain indefinitely consigned to servitude.


Rendell signing statement freeing pens with pen, later freed.


Other emancipated pens.

Tag(s): Pens

On Ice

I will not be modest here: I am a master of prosaic bureaucratic prose. With a quick turn of phrase, I can drive the recipient of one of my letters to the depths of despair or to the heights of ecstasy.

OK, maybe not the "heights" of ecstasy. Maybe twice the height of "Meh". But the "depths of despair" bit is true, as this is The Bureaucracy and with our dark gray suits, bad comb overs, and absent senses of humor, we do despair very well.

But anyway, there's a skill involved in calling a letter recipient an asshole, without calling him/her an "asshole." Besides, it's much more satisfying to say that "your lack of collaboration with our organization has led us to believe that you put your needs above the needs of the public."

Which is why Mario's letter to Rendell, Onorato et ux. is so much fun to read: it is a very polite throwdown.

When Mario says, "The risk has been magnified by what we perceive as a lack of collaboration from the public sector in the negotiations. That does not bode well for the public/private partnership necessary to successfully navigate the multiple issues of an arena development of this magnitude," he's really saying "you guys are jerks for not giving us what we want."

Words like "seem," "appear," or "it can be perceived that" can all be substituted for "are". It is much nicer to say "One may perceive you to be a jerk," over "You are a jerk," even though they mean the same thing.

At least, they appear to be the same.

Anyway, those kinds of words are hedge words; Mario seems to be bluffing: for whatever reason, he's interested in keeping the Pens in Pittsburgh. If he wasn't, he wouldn't have been negotiating for all these months, he would have moved to Kansas City.

He wants to see if he's squeezed out every last dime he can from the deal; for whatever reason, he believes that there is a bit more money to be had, a better interest rate, or some more development rights that can be had for free.

Even though he's flirting with Las Vegas and Kansas City, I think the Governor thinks Mario's bluffing too... at least it appears that way. Unfortunately, there's no betting in hockey.

Or is that baseball? And crying?

Tag(s): Pittsburgh Penguins

Two Hour Delay - No Morning Kindergarden

Ya know, I remember a time when the Pittsburgh Public Schools didn't close for a foot of snow, much less one or two inches.

I also remember a time when toys were made of metal and it was a ten foot drop from the top of the slide to the cold, hard concrete below. And Polio! Those durn innoculations really took the fear of God out of our children.

You kids better stay off my LAN!

Tag(s): Snow Day

ACDC: You Shook Me All Night Long

After spending seven and a half hours in the holding cell of the IBEW* for trying to break into the Allegheny County Democratic Committee nominating meeting disguised as a six foot five, 230 lb. Sophie Masloff, I come to find out that the incumbent Mayor bested his nearest (and only) competitior 602 to 163 votes. A couple thoughts sprung to mind:

First, never try to break into the ACDC meetings dressed as a 90 year old Jewish woman, especially if you try to cast a provisional ballot for "Heywood Jablome."

Second, this little tidbit over at Pittsburgh Guy about Councilman Otis:

For such a smart, experienced and savvy politician why, days before the endorsement, would [Bill Peduto] go out of his way to alienate Party leadership? Also isn't a bit insulting to think you have to tell elected committee people that they can make their own minds up. Instead of insulting, why didn't he take the high road, explain why he thinks he is the better candidate and ask for their votes.

And then there's this bit over at 2 Political Junkies:

Yes, the Old School won, and by "old" we mean that the Allegheny County Democratic Committee members decided to vote for that nice young man who reminds them of their favorite grandson. (And, don't cha know it's considered bad form to run against a current ACDC member even if they have one foot in the grave...)

Personally, I consider the "I Like Luke" slogan to be a deliberate nod to Eisenhower, which was, coincidentally the first vote cast by the average ACDC member.

However, taken together, the two quotes show a real strain between the "progressive" and "conservative" wings of the ACDC. Let's take the margin of loss by Peduto: 439 votes. That's a pretty good spanking. Let's also take the quote from Pittsburgh Guy. That's a pretty heavy indictment of Peduto's feelings about the ACDC.

[Still, let us neither discount nor over emphasize the roll of the party in the race. The party endorsement isn't the be all and end all and people have won without it, but it does save a ton of money in printing and volunteer costs. It will get you a leg up, but it doesn't guarantee a victory.]

Which finally brings me to my point: if the average age of a typical conservative ACDC member is... well... dead, why hasn't the progressive wing done more to try to oust the old guard? Wouldn't it be prudent to try to slide in a more liberal leaning committee from the ward level, rather than trying to run a candidate so contrary to the naturally conservative bent of the existing members?

Or perhaps they have, and it hasn't worked? The answer may be found in 2PJ's swipe at everyone's favorite Grandson, which isn't too far off the mark: Rachel Cooper (endorsed candidate for the 9th Council District) is the daughter of Judge Kevin Cooper. Is blood merely thicker than politics? Can our politicians even get any thicker?

Perhaps a breeding program is in order

---
* Who knew that the IBEW had a holding cell. I figured they they would have gone straight to the electric chair.

Tag(s): Pittsburgh Politics

Steelers Release Joey Porter, the Hounds

Pittsburgh (AP) - Confronted by an angry mob of drunken football fans at Gate A of Heinz Field, the Steelers released Joey Porter and the Hounds on the unsuspecting rabble. Four people were mauled, three were taken to Allegheny General hospital with severe Porter bites.


Witnesses reported seeing new Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin cackling in a fit of cartoonish, super-villainous laughter and shouting "FOOLS! I'LL CRUSH YOU ALL!"

As a precaution, Joey Porter had to be put to sleep pending the result of rabies testing.

Tag(s): Steelers, Joey Porter

Rant #45985

Attention worthless piece of human sputum:

Please explain, exactly, how it is my fault that you have lost the ability to use abstract reasoning, derive logical conclusions from available data, and contemplate your own existence. Should I also be restraining you from licking your own genitals and throwing your own feces across the department?

While I understand that scientists continue to debate the role of nature versus nuture in human development, in either case you would have to have been raised by a pack of retarded donkeys that beat you regularly to descend to this level of stupidity.

Common household items have more drive, initiative, and intelligence that you. My cable box is more responsive, and, at this rate has provided better service. I have several lamps that are brighter than you and several knives that are sharper. I even have a spoon that's sharper.

By the way, I would stay away from sharp metal objects and wall sockets if I were you. That combination can only result in tears and flames.

In future, I will, instead ask the wall, my chair, or the funk underneath my garbage can for assistance rather than you. At least the funk under the garbage has some potential to evolve into something intelligent.

I can only hope that you refrain from breeding. I know a few doctors that will be glad to help you out. I can only hope that if you did have any children you followed the example of hampsters and ate them all. It is the only way that the species can advance.
Tag(s): Rant

This Blog Supports Luke Ravenstahl for the Hell of it

I was quite disturbed to wake up this morning, open up the Post Gazette's "Early Returns" section, and find myself lumped in with a bunch of damned, dirty, hippie, Peduto supporters. According to the two headed beast that is James O'Toole-Rich Lord, yours truly is one of several local blogs that skewer Mr. Ravenstahl almost daily, and heap scorn on mainstream media reports that, in their view, go easy on the mayor.

Is it me or does that almost make this place sound like a RonCo Showtime Rotisserie?*

If anyone thought that we were attacking Mr. Ravenstahl because we had an affinity to another candidate, they would be sadly mistaken. Mr. Ravenstahl happens to occupy a very conspicuous position in City government, one where it is not easy to hide, making him vulnerable to slings and arrows thrown by people like me. The mayor is a target; Luke happens to be the mayor. As I said to some guy at the City Paper,

I think that the recent obsession with Ravenstahl is more of a function of the general proliferation of blogs. Tom Murphy was hit pretty hard too towards the end of his term as blogs were coming into their own, and there was some nasty, nasty stuff written about him (both fair and unfair) on the internet. Something tells me that if David L. Lawrence or Ebeneezer Denny were alive during the time of blogs, they would have been similarly reamed. (I think Thomas Paine actually wrote a pamphlet about Denny called "An Appeal to the Common Sense of the Citizens of Pittsburg and their Mayor" questioning his service in the Revolutionary War.)...

If there was a reason that we aren't doing more Peduto critiquing, it's not because he's a better candidate or he's somehow better liked by the author here, but because he's not out standing in front of the cameras every day throwing out new policy proposals, conveniently timed to improve his chances of being elected mayor.

Or perhaps he IS doing that, and we're just not paying all that much attention to him.

I'm sure as the election gets closer and closer we'll start being snarkier and snarkier 'round here, and we'll be making the obligatory comparisons between Ravenstahl's Opie and Peduto's Otis in this Maybury we call Pittsburgh.** Indeed, we raised the ire of some ardent Peduto supporters on several occasions last time he ran for the mayor's office.

So with that in mind, here are today's obligatory shots at Councilman Otis: I find it hard to believe that a guy who represents some of the most privileged portions of the City of Pittsburgh can truly appreciate the problems of the least advantaged. I'm also skeptical of the air of faux populism that he seems to engender in his most loyal followers. I am not convinced of the superiority of his policies and am deeply concerned that they will unnecessarily cost me time and cause me needless frustration.

Of course, having said that don't let anyone think that suddenly I'm supporting Ravenstahl either.

In general, however, I'm not a big fan of politicians, so I certainly see no reason to change my opinion during this race. I will remain safely agnostic for now until a real candidate runs.

What's Joe Cusick doing these days?

---
*Set it and forget it! Only 4 easy payments of $39.95!
**H/t to Luke. Somebody should pay him royalties.

Tag(s): Pittsburgh Politics

And... BOOM!

With all the sirens and helicopters around downtown this afternoon, I thought that some yinzer was shooting at pigeons down on Penn Avenue again. Unfortunately this time the mayor was not needlessly running into danger; it was an honest to goodness, let's-ignore-the-PA-One-Call system gas rupture.

Let's take a listen.*

Personally, I just think that this was an illconceived and poorly executed attempt by the Ravenstahl administration to switch from "moving the City forward", to moving the City upwards and outwards.

At least bits of the City anyway...

---
*Editor's Note: Violent explosions of gas are not funny. Now pull my finger.

Tag(s): Natural Gas