Development Plans

Last week, if you were paying attention, you would have heard that the City is embarking on a new unified development plan:

Mayor Luke Ravenstahl said that, in the past, the city usually dished out development dollars based largely on prior years' funding levels. "Maybe they're not being allocated the way they should be," he said. "We need to make decisions based on real, hard numbers."

We here at the Angry Drunk Bureaucrat, at great personal peril, have managed to sneak out a copy of the Mayor's first draft of this plan.*


Click picture to embiggen.

Many Bothans died to bring us this information.

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*We apologize that the image is sideways, but our intern "Z" couldn't figure out how the friggin' scanner works.

ONE NIGHT ONLY!

Click poster for full sized version

It's a Wee Bit Chilly Outside

AccuWeather(c) Brass Monkey Balls break off.

Business Casual Friday

It's that time of the week again when we kick off our shoes, crack open a bottle of scotch, and vomit till we pass out on our desks before noon.

In that spirit, my I present your Business Casual Friday selection: the Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain playing the Theme from Shaft.



They say this clip is a bad motha- Shut your mouth!

This Blog is Full of Customer Service Pointers for City Employees

For example: you can email your city employee friends copies of this blog!

Uncommitted Places 2nd in Michigan Primary

Detroit (Reuters) - The race for the Democratic Party presidential nomination was turned on its head Tuesday night when darkhorse candidate Uncommitted placed a surprising second in the Michigan Primary.

Speaking in front of supporters in his downtown Detroit campaign headquarters, Uncommitted said he was proud of the results of the vote.

"I came to Michigan with the belief that the voters here were Uncommitted voters, and Uncommitted Voters you are. I promise you that we may or may not continue this campaign right on to the general election... or not, I'm not quite sure."

Uncommitted came in behind Hillary Clinton by 3 percentage points, but bested nearest competitor Montana Representative Frank Akickintheass by over 10 points.

Other more well known candidates including Barak Obama and John Edwards, chose not to participate in the primary because of a conflict between the Democratic National Committee and the state government. The DNC has said that it will not seat the state delegates of the winner of the Michigan primary.

Uncommitted remained undeterred:

"We will take this fight to South Carolina, and maybe New Mexico, and possibly Nevada, and perhaps, if we get around to it, New York, and then, if we don't have better things to do, because, you know, we have our cousin Cindy's wedding coming up and our Mother would kill us if we missed it like we did my uncle Larry's, but you know it was his third marriage and, we're all, like, 'Mom, his wife's barely old enough to drink and you know that she just wants him for the Corvette in the garage,' the White House!"

Uncommitted's next biggest primary challenge is in Florida, which may or may not have voted substantially for him in the 2000 General Election.

Thing We've Learned From the City Financial Disclosures

If you haven't done so already, go check out the City Controller's release of the Financial Disclosure forms for some of our most upstanding city officials and Bill Peduto.

Twenty-Four hours ago, I would have never known...

• That it's hard to follow written directions when you're a politician;
  
• The home addresses of every City Council Person;
  
• The Mayor has an account balance at both Best Buy and Orrs Jewelers;
  
• Several elected officials aren't very good at paying down their credit cards;
  
• Michael Lamb, Tonya Payne, and Ricky Burgess are all still paying off student loans (and at a ridiculous interest rate, I might add, Rev. Burgess);
  
• Lukey has over $470 THOUSAND DOLLARS left over from his campaign, and 14 ounces of blow;
  
• Jim Motznik won't tell you how much money he has;
  
• Darlene Harris has obviously be ostracized from every board in the Region, including the School Board;
  
• Dan Deasey is a trustee for the Carnegie Museums, Library, and Hall;
  
• Doug Shields is the President of the Hairclub for Men;
  
• Patrick Dowd is receiving royalties from some amateur porn he directed back in graduate school;
  
• Bruce Kraus' campaign war chest consists of $500 and an opened bottled of Pabst Blue Ribbon; and
  
• Michael Lamb is actually a genuine, bona fide attorney-at-law.

Who knew?

Bush Kicks Off Middle East Comedy Tour

Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates (AP) - Fresh off a seven year tour of the United States, George W. Bush kicked off a new Middle East comedy tour. The six country event dubbed "The Original President of Comedy" tour, launched from Tel Aviv, Israel to a sold out, kvetching room only, house.

These extremists have hijacked [a] noble religion, and seek to impose their totalitarian ideology on millions. They hate freedom and they hate democracy -- because it fosters religious tolerance and allows people to chart their own future...

adding "You know how rough Bingo games can be, heh heheh heh heh."

The best routine of the night came towards the end:

Iran is today the world's leading state sponsor of terror. It sends hundreds of millions of dollars to extremists around the world -- while its own people face repression and economic hardship at home. It undermines Lebanese hopes for peace by arming and aiding the terrorist group Hezbollah. It subverts the hopes for peace in other parts of the region by funding terrorist groups like Hamas and the Palestine Islamic Jihad. It sends arms to the Taliban in Afghanistan and Shia militants in Iraq. It seeks to intimidate its neighbors with ballistic missiles and bellicose rhetoric. And finally, it defies the United Nations and destabilizes the region by refusing to be open and transparent about its nuclear programs and ambitions.

THE ARISTOCRATS!

The normally reserved Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert was seen falling out of his chair in laughter.

The jokes come at a time when newer, fresher comedians are coming on the scene. With the 2008 Elections coming up, but with the WGA strike continuing, many new faces have had difficulty with breaking into the Political Comedy scene.

Opening for Bush was Blackwater CEO Erik Prince, who performed his famous "launch CS gas into the audience" routine, which left those in attendance in tears.

Critics were disappointed, however, that much of Mr. Bush's material was rehashed from previous tours.

"I mean, he's doing his whole 'Iran is an imminent threat' thing again," said Stewart Cleveland, comedy reviewer for Entertainewsweekly. Five years ago when he told it it was 'Iraq' instead of 'Iran', and the joke is kinda getting old. You almost expect him to lead with 'what's the deal with airline food?' I suppose that at this point, it's more of a greatest hits tour than anything."

Tickets for the rest of the tour, which will include Riyadh, Cairo, Baghdad, and the Funnybone Comedy Club in downtown Kabul are available for $100/barrel. Please be advised that there is a no drink maximum.

Officials, Hill Reach Agreement on CBA

Thirty-eight hours into a marathon negotiating session, representatives of the City, County, Penguins, and the One Hill Coalition announced that they have reached an agreement relating to the proposed community development agreement which will outline the development of the area around the new arena.

One Hill Chairman Carl Redwood, in a prepared statement, said "we are happy to report a major break through that, we hope, will result in a deal that will be better for the entire Hill District. Truly, this is a momentous day for our community."

Details of the agreement have not been publicly released, but a source close to the negotiation, who agreed to speak on condition of anonymity, says that the groups have agreed on "two large pizzas, one with pepperoni, one cheese, one medium pizza with peppers and olives, an order of crazy bread, and four liters of pop, to be determined." This agreement marks the first common ground reached between the disparate parties.

The substance of the negotiation has been confirmed by several other sources: Ravenstahl's initial offer to the group was Chinese, which was backed by Onorato. This was soundly rejected by One Hill who complained that they "just get hungry an hour later."

One Hill countered with Indian, but negotiators representing the Lemieux Group said this was impossible due to their acid reflux. The Mayor's Office said that the group could order "a three or four", but the Lemieux Group remained adamant that without their medication, Indian was impossible.

Ravenstahl suggested fried chicken, which was immediately met with cries of racism by residents of the Hill, who suggested that maybe the mayor would like bologna on Wonder Bread instead. Both suggestions were immediately withdrawn with appropriate apologies exchanged.

After 27 hours of negotiations, Dan Onorato suggested pizza, an idea that was met with general approval from the room. The remaining eleven hours were devoted to toppings, with Ravenstahl's suggestion of "ham and pineapple" rejected during the first round. The group quickly reached consensus that anchovies were unacceptable, although Lemieux pressed for cheese curds and gravy for several hours.

The decision will be ratified by the full One Hill Coalition ahead of Monday's planning commission meeting, although some other members say they will protest the vote saying that the agreement does not represent the true needs of Hill: tapas.

The food will be brought to a planning meeting for the outlining of a timeline to plan for meetings at which the agenda for the Community Benefits Agreement will be discussed.

Onorato Takes Lead for MFX; Slams Fork into Eye for Encore

There are few things in Western Pennsylvania public policy that I get as angry about as the Mon-Fayette Expressway: a heaping, hulking stretch of highway that is supposed to stretch from Downtown Pittsburgh to the the grand metropolis of Morgantown WV, thereby spawning economic development, freeing up transportation opportunities for the Mon Valley, and otherwise launching a wave of unsubstantiatable goals and accomplishments.

Oh, and it'll probably cost a zillion dollars, rip through a whole slew of communities, contribute to the destruction of undeveloped greenfields to the south, aid in urban flight, and bring on the thousand year reign of the Antichrist.

Well, maybe not the last one, but you get my drift.

Of course, Gubernatorial Candidate (né Allegheny County Executive) Danny Onorato is now throwing his weight behind this Public Policy equivalent of a fruitcake: something no one really wants, but everyone, for some inexplicable reason, decides that they have to give away.

On Friday, Chief Executive Dan Onorato convened a meeting of 60 state, local and county political and business leaders to develop a plan to finance the $3.6 billion section of the project that would run through Allegheny County...

"The expressway and Squirrel Hill bypass are critically important regional transportation and economic development projects," Onorato said.

"The Mon-Fayette will provide linkages and open up old industrial sites to jobs and commerce in the south, and its Squirrel Hill bypass will provide important traffic congestion relief to Pittsburgh's eastern suburbs."

Maybe back in the 1970s, right as the United States steel industry was on the verge of collapse and as a preemptive measure for the reuse of old brownfield sites, this policy may have made some sense. Now, it's like closing the barn door after the horse has left, run down the street, gotten on a plane, flown to Hollywood, and married Matthew Broderick. Today, with oil prices rising, the home construction industry collapsing, and the economy on the brink of full on recession, the MFX makes as much sense as the entire female population of Nome, Alaska screaming Thursday's lottery numbers at composer Philip Glass.

And just how bad is this idea, you ask? Well, Luke Ravenstahl seems to be supporting it, if that gives you any indication.

Of course, should he want to make a go at running for Governor, Danny O is going to need some generous contributions from people with disposable cash on hand... let's say, perhaps, people in the construction and building trades. So, you can see how important this policy is to the regional economy and has absolutely, in no way, has anything even remotely to do with anything relating to campaign contributions.

The sad part about this whole thing, however, is that the longer this bad idea stays alive in people's minds, the less people are going to invest in these communities, in anticipation that the Turnpike commission is just going to buy them out anyway. No one wants to buy a house (or even fix up a house) that may just be taken by eminent domain in the near future. Steel Valley municipalities and neighborhoods will keep going down the toilet and the tax payers will, once again, be subsidizing new construction in previously undeveloped areas...

That is, until those areas need a bypass too, and we start all over again.

So, you know, well done Danny, Luke, and everyone. Well done.