Fire in the Hole!

Arson is redevelopment by other means:

West Carson Street near the Duquesne Incline is expected to remain closed through today while crews raze part of a warehouse complex that caught fire early this morning, authorities said...

Firefighters responded about 3:20 a.m. today to a three-alarm fire at the abandoned warehouse complex near the west entrance to Station Square in the South Side, assistant fire chief Jim Crawford said...

Authorities closed West Carson between the West End and Smithfield Street bridges. The road likely will remain closed until tomorrow morning's rush hour, Huss said.

The facade of the middle building shifted while firefighters battled the fire, Huss said. Authorities said the building must be torn down...

A bit of history around this site.

For those of you that remember: the Old Lawrence Paint Company which sat across the street, was part of a fight between preservationists and Forest City Enterprises, who wanted to use as a staging point for a future gambling parlor (riverboat or otherwise). Intervention of the Bureau of Building Inspection rendered the discussion moot, when they found it to be dangerous and tore the building down...

Going back further, however, the North Pole Ice Cream Building which stood next to the Lawrence Paint Building collapsed in 1986.

The demolition of both these properties opened up vistas along the river, and made the road feel less claustrophobic. So, this could be a new opportunity to address a pretty ugly, choking eyesore along West Carson Street.

I wouldn't be surprised if the folks at the Riverlife Task Force or the Bureau of Building inspection were seen non-chalantly walking away from the seen with a book of matches smelling of gasoline.

Speaking of which, can they account for their whereabouts from 1986 until... now?

Location, Location, Allocation

One of the things you hate to hear if you work for government is "a hands-on elected rep." To wit:

For months, Pittsburgh Councilman Ricky Burgess has urged that scant city resources should go mostly to the neighborhoods that need the most help. On Tuesday, he plans to introduce bills that would write that philosophy into the city code.

He wants to change the way the city spends federal Community Development Block Grant, or CDBG, money. The city expects $16.5 million in such aid this year, and traditionally it is spread liberally, though technically it is to be spent only in low-income "CD-eligible" census tracts.

Mr. Burgess would concentrate the federal funds on the poorest areas. "It seems to me that CDBG dollars should always be used as significant enhancements for communities that are struggling," he said last week, and overall city investments should be "based on need, rather than on political power."

A plank likely to be controversial on council would redistribute the $675,000 fraction of CDBG funding that is split evenly among the nine council members. Now, each gets to dole out around $75,000 a year to community groups. He would instead give each council member control over around $99 in grant money for each census block -- a fraction of a tract -- that meets federal guidelines for distress in his or her district...

Now, we'll set aside for the moment the fact that Rev. Burgess would get $40,000 more dollars for his district under his new plan than under the existing plan and concentrate on whether this is effective policy or not.

First point, made by Councilwoman Rudiak:

She said some community groups in her district serve neighborhoods that are "at the tipping point" but not poor enough to receive CDBG money. She said those groups are frustrated that "we need to move backward [economically] before we can move forward" using the grants.

Which is a salient point: Carrick may not be in critical condition today (like parts of Rev. Burgess' district), but if one looks closely one can see that there's potential for the neighborhood to slide into oblivion. Astute folks from the South Hills will point out that the Carrick of today is pretty much the Garfield of 40 years ago. The question is whether good money should be spent on stopping the decline of a neighborhood versus trying to resurrect one. My guess is that the bang for the buck is in Carrick.

Second, and tangentially related: Council Districts 2 & 3 have a good mixture of fairly decent neighborhoods and fairly distressed ones. Council District 5 has predominantly choice neighborhoods, with one exceptionally distressed neighborhood. The need in those districts may, in fact, be as great if not greater than District 5 & 9, but because they are mixed in with "good" neighborhoods, they won't have as much funding available.

Third, the dangerous implication: what Rev. Burgess is proposing discourages Council Members from improving their neighborhoods' conditions. If I have $114,000 in CDBG money in my pocket as councilman and if I want to be re-elected, I'm going to want to spread that money around to as many groups/neighborhoods/people as possible. In fact, in order to assure that I get more money next time, I'm not going to want to give too much money to any one area, in the off chance that their condition improves, and it's no longer eligible for funding. My goal is to improve the condition just up to the point where it is eligible, but no more.

Perhaps that's a cynical view for an extra $40,000, but in a lot of these more distressed neighborhoods, even $5,000 can buy you a lot of good will with the voters. (And as these areas are defined by the Census, that's $400,000 over 10 years!)

This brings me back to the whole extra $40,000 for Rev. Burgess' district. Now, no one is challenging the need for improvements in District 9, but the question is who benefits under the proposed arrangement? Clearly, District 6 & 9 would benefit the most. This makes me wonder if Rev. Burgess would feel the same way if his district was realigned to include more affluent areas or if he was a Council Member at-large.

Anyway... I lost my train of thought here (I warned everyone about that). Chris Potter has some wonkiness over here that covers some of the same points, and some different ones, and doesn't use the word "oblivion".

The Pension in the Room is Palpable

And then there's this:

Pittsburgh Councilman Patrick Dowd and city Controller Michael Lamb this morning proposed transferring ownership of city parking garages to the financially strapped pension fund.

Mr. Lamb said the proposal was evolving, and it wasn't clear whether some or all of the garages would be part of the deal.

The plan was billed as a more viable alternative to Mayor Luke Ravenstahl's proposal to lease all parking garages -- and potentially surface lots and meters -- to a private entity and use the proceeds to shore up the pension fund.

Now, aside from the obvious flaws (the fact that the Pension Fund runs the pension fund, not garages; the historical mismanagement of the pension fund at that; the asset "swap" for the Parking Authority would be a loss on their books; etc.), the major flaw of this whole plan is that the City isn't thinking broadly enough. There are literally thousands of things that the City could be selling in order to fill up the pension fund:

Delinquent Taxes - Right now, the City sells them off to Jordan Tax Services, GLS, Capital Assests, or any other collection agency for an up front chunk of cash, while the collection agency tried to squeeze money from dead beats. But, rather than tossing those liens down a caulis negris, the City could give the delinquent tax liens to the Pension Fund and have *them* sell it off to the collections agency.

Asphalt plant - When I think of Pension Fund, I immediately think of skidding out on a slick road and then cracking my front end off of a 12 inch deep pothole that's been left unattended for years.

City Vehicle Fleet - If you're a middle manager and you need a City car, it'll cost you $8 for the hour. The downside is that, in order to lower future costs, the Pension Fund may decide to cut break lines in the hopes that you'll "remove yourself" from the pension pool. (Actually this would probably be no different than driving a Toyota now.)

The City-County Building - If the City leases it back from the pension fund, for the City it would come under the month budget, and not under the capital account.

Water Lines - Nope, wait we've done that.

Yarone Zober - A nice boy like him would probably fetch a decent price on the open market, and he's probably big enough for a couple of good steaks and a few stews. (Although, honestly I like my meat a little more lean.)

The Pension Fund - The City could have the Pension Fund sell the Pension Fund to the Pension Fund, take the write off for the loss and then purchase it back at a discount.

Or alternatively, as I've suggested before: we take the whole fund, go over to the Rivers Casino when table games open up and bet on black.

Pause for Station Identification

If anyone seems to think that things are a bit, um, slow around here, well, they are. At least we seem to think they are.

Between fits of writers block, two feet of snow on our front porch, the olympics, and general winter malaise, it's been hard to write anything of substance. We've been wracking our brains to find something funny out there (like how today's PG perp walk picture of Jeff Reed looks like Luke Ravenstahl and Yarone Zober had a freak love-child and then peed on it), but we're really just grasping at straws here.

Last week we seriously considered changing formats to a cooking/horticulture/knitting/cat blog or, alternatively, starting up an ADB Twitter feed to satisfy our "Flowers for Algernon" -like diminishing attention span.

Perhaps when spring finally rears its head, we'll find our muse again.

Until then, expect either total crap or delicious recipes.

A Bureaucrat's Aside Re: More Snow

Careful outside today folks. The weather looks like it's going to get pretty bad. So bad, in fact, I hear the Mayor is already on a flight to Miami.

Ravenstahl: "We've Always been at War with Snow"

In a speech in front of City Council today, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl announced that the City of Pittsburgh had made significant progress in its war on Snow.

Mr. Ravenstahl's speech comes at the culmination of a "Hate Week", including processions, speeches, shouting, singing, banners, posters, and films decrying the terror of the Snowpocalypse. On a scarlet draped platform in Council chambers, amongst the citizens of Pittsburgh, the Mayor went into a tirade against snow.

"The Snowpocalpse has killed dozens of our fellow citizens, made roads impassible, cut off vital services. It is an enemy to be reckoned with, and we will never submit to the terror of Potholes.

The Mayor, contorted with hatred, gripped the neck of the microphone with one hand while the other, enormous at the end of a bony arm, clawed the air menacingly above his head. His voice, made metallic by the amplifiers, boomed forth an endless catalogue of atrocities that Potholes had committed against the City. Rousing, savage yells came from local school children, in support.

Locals, who attended the event noticed that posters, banners, and films decrying the Snowpocalypse had been hung, which was quickly identified as an obvious attempt at sabotage by friends of Potholes. The banners were immediately torn down in an orgiastic rage by those assembled.

Mr. Ravenstahl, undeterred by the events, continued his rousing speech encouraging the total and utter obliteration of Potholes, concluding "We are at war with Potholes; we have always been at war with Potholes."

Locals who have a distinct memory of being at war with Snow, were rounded up and executed as traitors.

Pittsburgh Fat Man Aspires to Curling Gold

(Reuters) Pittsburgh, PA - Unemployed former accounts receivable clerk Dan Bujokowski is aspiring to Olympic gold.

"You know, I was there watching NBC at 3 in the morning and they were showing highlights from the Team USA's curling match against one of them foreign countries, and one of those players on the US Team is, like, 300 pounds. I thought to myself, as I was noshing on a three day old Twinkie, that I could be an Olympic medalist too."

Mr. Bujokowski is one of many Americans who, because of nearly wall-to-wall coverage of curling in order to fill up airtime, suddenly believe that they have what it takes to be a professional curler.

Originating in Scotland, curling is a team Olympic sport in which stones are slid across a sheet of carefully prepared ice towards a target area.

Steve Buffington, a Director of the Pittsburgh Curling Club, says there's more to curling than being an overweight guy on ice. "Curling involves strategy, balance, good sportsmanship, and the ability to hurl a 42 pound stone down 100 ft ice. While it is accessible to a wide variety of people, it's not a game that just anyone can be an expert in overnight... unless you're willing to buy the first two rounds of beer."

Mr. Bujokowski remains undeterred.

"Michael Phelps eats a 20,000 calorie diet and smokes pot. If he can eats twice as much as me and be an Olympian, well, I think I'm guaranteed at least a bronze medal."

A Bureaucrat's Aside Re: Watchdogs

Given the news that a whole lot of the City's surplus has kinda gone AWOL, does the Mayor think that it's OK for the local media to look into that story a little bit more, or is he secretly hiding the funds on purpose "just to prove a point that they need to be more responsible"?

Maybe it got arrested at a Steelers game, flew off to New York with Ron Burkle, and hired a lawyer to stop people from asking questions.

An Open Letter to the Inconsiderate Ass Who Hasn't Shoveled His Sidewalk Yet

Dear Inconsiderate Ass Who Hasn't Shoveled His Sidewalk Yet,

I know you're there. I can tell by the way your driveway is cleared out and how your mail gets picked up every day. Your stairs are clear from door to your driveway. I notice these things as I trudge pass your house in the morning and later in the afternoon, dodging traffic on the way to the bus stop.

I know you know I'm there. I know you can tell by the number of footprints that have built up on your sidewalk over the last week, and because I saw you peer from behind your living room curtain windows, as if you were hoping that somehow all the snow had gone away.

Perhaps you have a bad back and you're unable to shovel... but that couldn't be true, as your driveway is clear. Perhaps you've gotten sick and are now unable to go outside... but that couldn't be true either, because, as I said, your driveway is clear. Perhaps you've left town and aren't around to shovel the sidewalk... but again, that couldn't be true as I've seen your pudgy face staring back at me as I struggle past your house.

Look: I'm a reasonable person. I will give you the benefit of the doubt that, for whatever reason, you are unable to shovel those extra 15 ft. Perhaps you think it's the City's job. Perhaps you're trying to track the deer in the neighborhood. Perhaps you have been burying evidence under the snow, and you don't want anyone to discover it.

The more likely story, however, is that you're a lazy, selfish ass who would rather watch people fall down on his property then, you know, do what the City requires of you in these kinds of snow situations.

So, I am taking the liberty of alerting the neighborhood that you have a mental defect that does not allow you to empathize with other human beings and that you need some assistance in shoveling. That's what that hastily written yellow message on your snowy lawn reading "Plow Me Up The Ass" is all about. I'm hoping that someone in the neighborhood will gallantly leap to your rescue.

Not me, however, as I need to drink another five gallons of coffee to send another message to the guy who stole my demarcated, shoveled parking spot.

Yours,

O
The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

Another One Bites the Dust

We couldn't find the video of Jim Motznik being chased by Channel 4, but in honor of Matt H anyway...



Five bucks says we haven't heard the last of Matt.