Ravenstahl: "We've Always been at War with Snow"

In a speech in front of City Council today, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl announced that the City of Pittsburgh had made significant progress in its war on Snow.

Mr. Ravenstahl's speech comes at the culmination of a "Hate Week", including processions, speeches, shouting, singing, banners, posters, and films decrying the terror of the Snowpocalypse. On a scarlet draped platform in Council chambers, amongst the citizens of Pittsburgh, the Mayor went into a tirade against snow.

"The Snowpocalpse has killed dozens of our fellow citizens, made roads impassible, cut off vital services. It is an enemy to be reckoned with, and we will never submit to the terror of Potholes.

The Mayor, contorted with hatred, gripped the neck of the microphone with one hand while the other, enormous at the end of a bony arm, clawed the air menacingly above his head. His voice, made metallic by the amplifiers, boomed forth an endless catalogue of atrocities that Potholes had committed against the City. Rousing, savage yells came from local school children, in support.

Locals, who attended the event noticed that posters, banners, and films decrying the Snowpocalypse had been hung, which was quickly identified as an obvious attempt at sabotage by friends of Potholes. The banners were immediately torn down in an orgiastic rage by those assembled.

Mr. Ravenstahl, undeterred by the events, continued his rousing speech encouraging the total and utter obliteration of Potholes, concluding "We are at war with Potholes; we have always been at war with Potholes."

Locals who have a distinct memory of being at war with Snow, were rounded up and executed as traitors.