The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: Pause for Station Identification

The Rules of Bureaucracy

Rule #O: "The Rules of Bureaucracy are mutable, non-canonical, non-ordinal, and contradictory, except in the cases where they are not."
Rule #1: "Document everything you do; if you didn't write it down, it didn't happen."
Rule #2 [The Sixty Minutes Rule]: "Never do anything that would cause Ed Bradley, Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, Steve Croft, Leslie Stahl, or even Andy Rooney to persue you down a hallway with a camera crew."
Rule #3: "Nothing Simple is Ever Easy"
Rule #4: "It's about the money; follow the money."
Rule #5: "Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Rule #6: "Politics is the enemy of good government."
Rule #7: "The biggest detriment to public service is the public."
Rule #8: "The second biggest detriment to public service is the service."
Rule #9: "There's a reason; there's ALWAYS a reason."
Rule #10: "The Law is a harsh mistress: The rigorous and exacting application of which can benefit of society when used correctly to advance good policy and block bad, and be the bane of society when used incorrectly to advance bad policy and block good."
Rule #11: "Public service often involves waking up in the morning, opening up the newspaper, and discovering that someone, somewhere out there thinks that you're a dickhead."
Rule #12: "No one really knows what you do."
Rule #13 [Luke's Rule]: "No one ever acts like the bastard they really are."
Rule #14: "Bureaucracy endures."
Rule #15: "The longer you work in bureaucracy, the more Catch-22 resembles non-fiction."
Rule #16: "Politicians are not smarter than you."
Rule #18: "Money is not created equal."
Rule #19: "Mediocrity is normalcy."
Rule #17: "Within any bureaucratic structure, resources (e.g. people, money, knowledge, etc.) are not distributed uniformly."
Rule #20: "Don't assume a fiduciary liability without a committed resource allocation."
Rule #21: "If you do your job and obey the law, they can't reasonably fire you."
Rule #22: "The Budget will always be wrong."
Rule #23: "Always sign in blue."
Rule #24: "A Bureaucrat must be able to explain and justify his/her actions to laymen without resorting to the phrase 'because the Rules say so.'"
Rule #25: "Never voluntarily relinquish control of an original document."
Rule #26: "Sometimes you just have to say 'Screw the rules'"
Rule #27: "Change sucks."
Rule #28: "Sometimes the answer is 'No.'"
Rule #29: "It is very easy to make difficult decisions when no one has a clue what's going on."
Rule #30: "If you hang around long enough, eventually you will become an expert in something."
Rule #31: "Data, technology, and automatic processes can never completely supplant human interaction."
Rule #32: "Cover thine own ass."
Rule #33: "It's not real until it has its own acronym."
Rule #34:There is nothing more dangerous than an elected, resourceful idiot.
Rule #35: It will always take longer than expected.
Rule #36: Coming Soon...

Monday, March 01, 2010

Pause for Station Identification

If anyone seems to think that things are a bit, um, slow around here, well, they are. At least we seem to think they are.

Between fits of writers block, two feet of snow on our front porch, the olympics, and general winter malaise, it's been hard to write anything of substance. We've been wracking our brains to find something funny out there (like how today's PG perp walk picture of Jeff Reed looks like Luke Ravenstahl and Yarone Zober had a freak love-child and then peed on it), but we're really just grasping at straws here.

Last week we seriously considered changing formats to a cooking/horticulture/knitting/cat blog or, alternatively, starting up an ADB Twitter feed to satisfy our "Flowers for Algernon" -like diminishing attention span.

Perhaps when spring finally rears its head, we'll find our muse again.

Until then, expect either total crap or delicious recipes.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...: I'm looking forward to reading more about knitting cats sweaters, but maybe that is b/c I'm suffering from Seasonal Affectedness Disorder following our long, painful winter.; 9:18 AM
David Sopko said...: Lies! We all know ADB has given up and flown south for the winter. Do not attempt to fool us with your faux Pittsburgh posts. We will not be fooled by such trickery! Fess up where are you operating from, Palm Springs? Ft. Lauderdale? Miami?; 3:08 PM
deegazette said...: Shred you are wrong!!! ADB has gone deep undercover on some big investigation that would have proven too big for even Matt Damon. And on top of that he is working on locating the clearest sidewalk in all of Pittsburgh and will be knocking on my door just like Ed McMahon used to do with that publishers' clearinghouse award to tell me what I have won for making my neighborhood look like it is springtime. Gotta go, I think I hear someone at my door.; 7:22 PM

Post a Comment

DISCLAIMER: The opinions stated on this blog are those of the Author and in no way reflect the ideas or opinions of the City of Pittsburgh, the County of Allegheny, the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, the United States of America, any functionary, authority, department, or subsidiary of the above therein, or Gregory Peck. This blog is consistent with all rules and regulations of The Hatch Act [5 CFR 734.101 et seq.], and mocks all persons regardless of race, creed, color, gender, national origin, religion, marital status, age, disability, sexual orientation, political affiliation, union membership, or status as a disabled veteran or a veteran of the Vietnam era. Any names or situations contained in this blog have been changed to protect the innocent and for a cheap laugh. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Situations described and presented in this blog are fictitious, as far as you know. If you don't like humor, sarcasm, dramatic irony, metaphor, bathos, puns, parody, litotes and satire, this blog probably isn't for you; we suggest you read The Family Circus instead. Those with limited capacity to understand irony (dramatic, verbal, situational, and all others) should not read this blog. Seriously. Prolonged exposure to this blog may cause insomnia, loss of appetite, irritability, nausea, war, famine, pestilence, death, and the heartbreak of psoriasis. Posts may contain trace amounts of bovine fecal material and nuts. Spelling, factual, grammar, and other errors are par for the course. This blog is not to be taken internally. Do not expose this blog to open flame. In the event of catastrophe, this blog may be used as a flotation device. In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. No animals were harmed in the making of this blog. If you have read this far, you obviously have too much time on your hands. Get back to work, dammit!

The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

Pages

About Me

The Rules of Bureaucracy

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet...

Monday, March 01, 2010

Pause for Station Identification

3 comments:

Recorded in the Office of the Prothonotary

Public Comment Period

Other Blogs

Other Public Servants

Adjourned sine die

The Filing Cabinet