The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: Unpolished Thoughts on the State of the Union

The Rules of Bureaucracy

Rule #O: "The Rules of Bureaucracy are mutable, non-canonical, non-ordinal, and contradictory, except in the cases where they are not."
Rule #1: "Document everything you do; if you didn't write it down, it didn't happen."
Rule #2 [The Sixty Minutes Rule]: "Never do anything that would cause Ed Bradley, Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, Steve Croft, Leslie Stahl, or even Andy Rooney to persue you down a hallway with a camera crew."
Rule #3: "Nothing Simple is Ever Easy"
Rule #4: "It's about the money; follow the money."
Rule #5: "Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Rule #6: "Politics is the enemy of good government."
Rule #7: "The biggest detriment to public service is the public."
Rule #8: "The second biggest detriment to public service is the service."
Rule #9: "There's a reason; there's ALWAYS a reason."
Rule #10: "The Law is a harsh mistress: The rigorous and exacting application of which can benefit of society when used correctly to advance good policy and block bad, and be the bane of society when used incorrectly to advance bad policy and block good."
Rule #11: "Public service often involves waking up in the morning, opening up the newspaper, and discovering that someone, somewhere out there thinks that you're a dickhead."
Rule #12: "No one really knows what you do."
Rule #13 [Luke's Rule]: "No one ever acts like the bastard they really are."
Rule #14: "Bureaucracy endures."
Rule #15: "The longer you work in bureaucracy, the more Catch-22 resembles non-fiction."
Rule #16: "Politicians are not smarter than you."
Rule #18: "Money is not created equal."
Rule #19: "Mediocrity is normalcy."
Rule #17: "Within any bureaucratic structure, resources (e.g. people, money, knowledge, etc.) are not distributed uniformly."
Rule #20: "Don't assume a fiduciary liability without a committed resource allocation."
Rule #21: "If you do your job and obey the law, they can't reasonably fire you."
Rule #22: "The Budget will always be wrong."
Rule #23: "Always sign in blue."
Rule #24: "A Bureaucrat must be able to explain and justify his/her actions to laymen without resorting to the phrase 'because the Rules say so.'"
Rule #25: "Never voluntarily relinquish control of an original document."
Rule #26: "Sometimes you just have to say 'Screw the rules'"
Rule #27: "Change sucks."
Rule #28: "Sometimes the answer is 'No.'"
Rule #29: "It is very easy to make difficult decisions when no one has a clue what's going on."
Rule #30: "If you hang around long enough, eventually you will become an expert in something."
Rule #31: "Data, technology, and automatic processes can never completely supplant human interaction."
Rule #32: "Cover thine own ass."
Rule #33: "It's not real until it has its own acronym."
Rule #34:There is nothing more dangerous than an elected, resourceful idiot.
Rule #35: It will always take longer than expected.
Rule #36: Coming Soon...

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Unpolished Thoughts on the State of the Union

Here are my final, uninhibited thoughts on the State of the Union:

1) FREEDOM!

2) DEMOCRACY!

3) fear

4) These guys teaching the Iraqis how to fight corruption is like having the Italians teaching the Iraqis how to run a government.

5) Arlen looked... enthusiastic.

6) Troop levels will be decreased by commanders... not commanders-in-chief.

7) Yes, we have changed tactics in Iraq... if you call "quagmire" a tactic.

8) Two! Two Bin Ladens! Ha Hah Hah! [thunder and lightning]

9) Stand behind the American military by... you know... sending them into a quagmire.

10) Democracy leads to love, puppies, sunshine, and, if you are in Palestine, Hammas.

11) Dear Iran: Sleep with one eye open, friend.

12) Opposition to Isolationism is not Interventionism.

13) Regions overwhelmed by poverty, corruption, and despair are sources of terrorism, organized crime, human trafficking, and the drug trade...but enough about Washington DC.

14) NSA Surveillance keeps away tigers.

15) LIAR!

16) WAR! [Good God y'all!] What is it good for? [Jingoism?]

17) SUPPORT THE MOTHERFUCKING TROOPS [and their Commander-in-Chief] OR YOU ARE A GODLESS WHORE TERRORIST!!!

18) While the growth of the US economy is impressive... it lags behind China.

19) Deficit? Didn't we eliminate that in, like, 1999?

20) Um... Didn't they also pass the Line Item Veto? Wasn't it also struck down?

21) Glad to see that the AMA was able to free up a few speechwriters for tonight.

22) Bush asking for us to cut back on oil is either like Nixon going to China, or like Courtney Love telling us to cut back on the blow.

23) Clean coal? Great. Does this mean 24hrs of "lost miner" coverage on CNN now?

24) Whoa... he talks about math and science... aaaaaand cut to the Asian (Elaine L. Chao, secretary of Labor)

25) A life of personal responsibility is a life of fullfillment... a life of irresponsibility leads to the presidency.

26) Laura's doubled her Xanax prescription tonight.

27) You know, I know if shouldn't feel wrong that the Party of Lincoln invoke the memory of Dr. King... but it does.

So... those are the unadulterated, unfiltered, unpolished, unplugged thoughts.

---

Bonus: Tonight! One Night Only! Gov. Tim Kaine is Spock!

The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

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Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Unpolished Thoughts on the State of the Union

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