Monday, March 20, 2006

Beware of the Accounting Trolls

My all too loyal readers* have been probably wondering where the heck I've been over the last two months. Unfortunately, the pursuit of the common good and the public interest (i.e., "the real world") has kept me occupied, to the detriment of my health, my relationships, and, most of all, my little ramblings here. The bulk of this "work" has been taken up by what the heathen barbarian call "an audit."

The word "audit" comes from same root word as the Latin word "auric" meaning "gold"** and "-ite" meaning "goes away." The first audit was performed by the Romans as a means of torture when beheadings and being thrown to the lions weren't painful enough. It was later used during the middle ages as a punshiment for people having who were having too much fun.

The audit at the Bureaucracy is just slightly worse.

For those of you that have never had to go through an audit, here's the general process:
(1) The auditors select files to be pulled for examination and remove the important documents.
(2) The remaining files are dumped on the floor of my office.
(3) The auditors pee on the balance of the files.

This is a Generally Accepted Accounting Principle, or so they tell me.

Typically, the auditors will request about 80 documents, 74 of which will be readily available, 5 of which will be in the wrong file, and 1 of which will be totally and utterly missing. Ninety to ninety-nine percent of the time during the audit will be spent trying to find that one document. To make matters worse, that one document won't be something important, but will be something like an invoice for pens. This is the kind of thing that you need 10 accountants and 4 lawyers for.

So, my current daily schedule is as follows:
7:30 - 4:29: Audit
4:29 - 4:30: Everything else that they pay me to do.
This leaves me little time to think deep thoughts, or even light thoughts for that matter... or even do... well... anything, really.

On the upside, the audit does prevent the employees of The Bureaucracy from going to "pound-me-in-the-ass" prison. So that's a benefit as I am a frequent soap dropper.

* I think we're up to 6 now... 3 of which are named "Dave".
** Also the first name of one of the best Bond villians, cursed with one of the worst, and most pointless deaths.

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