For Sale: One School (Used) $1M OBO

I have a friend... well, an acquaintence... who works for the Pittsburgh Board of Education. When we found ourselves at an event together, he'd offer to sell me South Hills High School for $1. Everytime he did that, I'd laugh, he'd laugh... we both knew it was a joke and that $1 was far too much money.

Which is why I found this article so funny.

The financially strapped city school district faces difficult choices as it seeks buyers for as many as 27 school buildings, including several to be closed under the district's new reorganization plan.

The issues include whether to sell to charter schools, which could both take the buildings off the tax rolls and take a bite out of the district's budget, and how far the district should go in acceding to what the neighborhood considers the best use for the property.

Richard R. Fellers, chief operations officer, said school board members will try to balance financial and neighborhood concerns during a stepped-up effort to market surplus property. But he said the district wants to sell buildings as quickly as possible and prefers buyers who will return them to the tax rolls.

The district's approach already has drawn criticism. City Councilman William Peduto, claiming the district has mishandled the proposed sale of the former Regent Square Elementary School, is demanding the district use a better process for selling other buildings.

Comedy gold.

Here's the deal: schools built before, let's say, 1978 are deadly. That's not a joke; asbestos, lead paint, and hazardous materials in these buildings are at ridiculously high levels. A study I am familiar with, which would have converted a school to a non-school use, showed a $300K cost in removing the hazardous materials from the school... and that was an estimate before the costs of actual rehabilitation were figured in.

To put you parents out there at ease, however, these hazardous materials, asbestos in particular, are not deadly unless disturbed. So, as long as you don't try to rehabilitate any of these buildings you are fine; once you start tearing down walls, however, you'd better start wearing hazmat suits. Parents, don't let your children grow up to be irresponsible contractors, is all I'm saying.

The School District needs to shed a few buildings, that point is not in dispute, however, the discussion as to the "highest and best use" of these buildings is bollocks! BOLLOCKS I SAY! Assuming that the school isn't a historic property (which many are and which affects what you can do to the building) and that there are no contaminents (which, I would say, the majority have) and that the building is even adaptable in the first place (which, given the hallway, class room, and other miscellaneous spaces, is difficult), you may have one or two buildings that could be competitively put out on the market. Those, of course, will be the first to go.

Now, let me put it simply: PISSING AROUND ON THESE TYPES OF TRANSACTIONS IS DUMB; SELL THE F'ING BUILDINGS, GET THEM OUT OF THE PUBLIC HANDS, AND CASH THE CHECKS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.

I'm sure the PBOE can set up an Ebay account, although its rating may suffer over time:

School was a little cracked, that was a disappointment, but fast shipping good.

I'm not optimistic.