The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: Ransom Note

The Rules of Bureaucracy

Rule #O: "The Rules of Bureaucracy are mutable, non-canonical, non-ordinal, and contradictory, except in the cases where they are not."
Rule #1: "Document everything you do; if you didn't write it down, it didn't happen."
Rule #2 [The Sixty Minutes Rule]: "Never do anything that would cause Ed Bradley, Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, Steve Croft, Leslie Stahl, or even Andy Rooney to persue you down a hallway with a camera crew."
Rule #3: "Nothing Simple is Ever Easy"
Rule #4: "It's about the money; follow the money."
Rule #5: "Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Rule #6: "Politics is the enemy of good government."
Rule #7: "The biggest detriment to public service is the public."
Rule #8: "The second biggest detriment to public service is the service."
Rule #9: "There's a reason; there's ALWAYS a reason."
Rule #10: "The Law is a harsh mistress: The rigorous and exacting application of which can benefit of society when used correctly to advance good policy and block bad, and be the bane of society when used incorrectly to advance bad policy and block good."
Rule #11: "Public service often involves waking up in the morning, opening up the newspaper, and discovering that someone, somewhere out there thinks that you're a dickhead."
Rule #12: "No one really knows what you do."
Rule #13 [Luke's Rule]: "No one ever acts like the bastard they really are."
Rule #14: "Bureaucracy endures."
Rule #15: "The longer you work in bureaucracy, the more Catch-22 resembles non-fiction."
Rule #16: "Politicians are not smarter than you."
Rule #18: "Money is not created equal."
Rule #19: "Mediocrity is normalcy."
Rule #17: "Within any bureaucratic structure, resources (e.g. people, money, knowledge, etc.) are not distributed uniformly."
Rule #20: "Don't assume a fiduciary liability without a committed resource allocation."
Rule #21: "If you do your job and obey the law, they can't reasonably fire you."
Rule #22: "The Budget will always be wrong."
Rule #23: "Always sign in blue."
Rule #24: "A Bureaucrat must be able to explain and justify his/her actions to laymen without resorting to the phrase 'because the Rules say so.'"
Rule #25: "Never voluntarily relinquish control of an original document."
Rule #26: "Sometimes you just have to say 'Screw the rules'"
Rule #27: "Change sucks."
Rule #28: "Sometimes the answer is 'No.'"
Rule #29: "It is very easy to make difficult decisions when no one has a clue what's going on."
Rule #30: "If you hang around long enough, eventually you will become an expert in something."
Rule #31: "Data, technology, and automatic processes can never completely supplant human interaction."
Rule #32: "Cover thine own ass."
Rule #33: "It's not real until it has its own acronym."
Rule #34:There is nothing more dangerous than an elected, resourceful idiot.
Rule #35: It will always take longer than expected.
Rule #36: Coming Soon...

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Ransom Note

Dear "O",

We have your filing cabinet. If you do not plug The Sprout Fund's Hot House '06, we will shred all of your files.

Last year's successful event attracted approximately 1,500 attendees and featured food and drink from 30 Pittsburgh restaurants and eateries. HOTHOUSE was named one of the year's top 5 parties by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette and was lauded as the "top fundraiser" of 2005 by the City Paper.

We will send you a shredded document every hour, on the hour until you meet our demands. You have been warned.

-TSF

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DISCLAIMER: The opinions stated on this blog are those of the Author and in no way reflect the ideas or opinions of the City of Pittsburgh, the County of Allegheny, the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, the United States of America, any functionary, authority, department, or subsidiary of the above therein, or Gregory Peck. This blog is consistent with all rules and regulations of The Hatch Act [5 CFR 734.101 et seq.], and mocks all persons regardless of race, creed, color, gender, national origin, religion, marital status, age, disability, sexual orientation, political affiliation, union membership, or status as a disabled veteran or a veteran of the Vietnam era. Any names or situations contained in this blog have been changed to protect the innocent and for a cheap laugh. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Situations described and presented in this blog are fictitious, as far as you know. If you don't like humor, sarcasm, dramatic irony, metaphor, bathos, puns, parody, litotes and satire, this blog probably isn't for you; we suggest you read The Family Circus instead. Those with limited capacity to understand irony (dramatic, verbal, situational, and all others) should not read this blog. Seriously. Prolonged exposure to this blog may cause insomnia, loss of appetite, irritability, nausea, war, famine, pestilence, death, and the heartbreak of psoriasis. Posts may contain trace amounts of bovine fecal material and nuts. Spelling, factual, grammar, and other errors are par for the course. This blog is not to be taken internally. Do not expose this blog to open flame. In the event of catastrophe, this blog may be used as a flotation device. In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. No animals were harmed in the making of this blog. If you have read this far, you obviously have too much time on your hands. Get back to work, dammit!

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Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Ransom Note

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