Monday, July 09, 2007


Governor Rendell Names Self Dictator

Parts of Harrisburg Ablaze

Whereabouts of Katherine Baker-Knoll Unknown

(AP) Harrisburg, PA - At 12:01 this morning, Governor Edward G. Rendell announced that his administration and the State Legislature were at an impasse over the 2008 Commonwealth budget and, as a result, the Government of Pennsylvania would be formally dissolved.

"This is not a step I relish taking," said Rendell, "I recognize that the Democratic process has strong roots in this Commonwealth, but desperate times call for desperate measures. As such, I am investing myself with full executive, legislative, and judicial powers for the foreseeable future."

Immediately, all streets in and around the Capital were barricaded and the Harrisburg police department was dispatched to enforce a nighttime curfew. Members of the State Police force were sent out to roundup fugitive members of the State House and Senate.

Around 12:30 AM, gunfire from an armed Legislative militia was heard from across the Susquehanna River. The Governor's staff, assuming a counteroffensive by the remaining Legislators, immediately evacuated the Governor back to his stronghold of Philiadelphia, where they have reestablished the Commonwealth Capitol at the City Hall.

Remaining bands of Loyalists held back the Legislative offensive led by Senate President Pro Tem Joe Scarnati until around 3 AM, when the invaders began to set fire to most of the structures abutting Front Street. The Loyalists retreated to the former Capitol building before setting it alight as well. By 5 AM nearly half of the historic City Center was in flames.

In Philadelphia, the Governor appointed Dan Onorato as Regent for the Western District and Christopher A. Doherty as Regent for the Eastern District. Despite mandatory curfews, riots have broken out in Pittsburgh, Erie, Wilkes-Barre, and much of the Lehigh Valley.

House Republican Leader Sam Smith reportedly barely made it to a Private Corporate Jet and has established what he has termed a "Government-in-Exile" in Binghampton NY.

Speaking on Voice of Pennsylvania airwaves: The destiny of the world is here. I, Sam Smith, currently in Binghampton NY, invite the officers and the Pennsylvanian loyalists who are located in our Commonwealth's territory or who would come there, with their weapons or without their weapons, I invite the engineers and the special workers of armament industries who are located in Commonwealth's territory or who would come there, to put themselves in contact with me.

Large streams of refugees have already been reported making their way to Maryland and West Virginia for cheap liquor and gambling.

An unidentified group calling itself the People's Front of Pennsylvania have allegedly captured Lt. Governor Katherine Baker-Knoll. Their leader, who identifies himself as, "Il Hunky" has demanded the release of prisoners taken by the Pennsylvanian People's Front. The group has already reportedly beheaded Secretary of Community and Economic Development Dennis Yablonsky. The Pennsylvanian Popular Front released former Senate President Pro Tempore Robert Jubelirer after realizing that no one really wanted him anyway.

Approximately 30,000 New Jersey troops were quickly marshaled early this morning in an attempt to stem the spread of violence into the neighboring state. Ohio and Maryland have made similar moves this afternoon and are setting up massive Red Cross refugee camps in Akron and Cumberland. New York has threatened retaliatory airstrikes against any incursions into its territory.

When asked for comment, Michael Chertoff, the Secretary of Homeland Security was quoted as saying, "We consider this matter to be an internal matter for Pennsylvania and will not get involved at this time."

Leader Rendell has offered rebel leaders a chance to comply with his orders stating it is they "that are mistaken about a great many things."

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