Wethrinaer jagh Gonzales

I'm a fun loving masochist, so I spent all last evening watching clips from Alberto Gonzales's testimony in front of the Senate Judiciary committee. When that got too painful, I started hitting my head repeatedly with a frying pan.

The frying pan was a whole lot more fun.

Watching the Attorney General give testimony is like watching Tom Green's "comedy": it's painful, unfunny, stupid, and at the end you wonder why this guy still has a career. Alberto's logic is so tortured, you can see why he argued for keeping Git-mo open.

I keep waiting for Sen. Leahy to leap over the bench and bash his head into the witness table shouting "I DON'T RECALL MOTHERFUCKER!". This is, coincidentally one of the series of snuff fantasies that I have about the Bush administration.

Some of the more pornographic fantasies involve both indictments AND impeachment?

Anyway, the more I think about it and the more I watch his miserable, miserable testimony, and the inevitable slouching towards a constitutional crisis, the more I think there's only one way for Abu to avoid lying to Congress: Alberto must become born again and start speaking in tongues.

Next time every time that Leahy, Biden, Durbin et al. ask a question, Alberto needs to respond with "Eeeeeeooooohhhh taaaaaaah veqlargh lasta lalaithamin squirlokel." He can claim that he's a vehicle for the voice of God and, when the Senators invariably ask him to respond in English, Alberto can claim that his religious beliefs are being suppressed.

Now, my understanding is that Gonzales is a Roman Catholic, and they're not too big on the whole "speaking in tongues" thing. Alberto's more into the whole "blindly obeying a supposedly morally infallible guy far removed from the real world", and as a Catholic he follows the Pope too. That kind of thing is hard to give up.

The hard part is if the Committee asks him to put his answers in writing. In that case, Alberto is going to have to "pour out his spirit" through indecipherable Gothic Runes. If they ask him to type, he'll have to use his head and bash it against the keyboard.

The last one is dangerous: he may be mistaken for your run-of-the-mill blogger.