To: Luke Ravenstahl, Mayor, City of Pittsburgh
From: Yarone Zober, Chief of Staff
Re: Departmental Appointments
Date: September 12, 2007
At your request, I have undertaken a nationwide search for qualified applicants to fill the departmental director spots left vacant by your resignation request memo of June 15, 2007. By sheer coincidence, many of the most qualified persons for these positions happen to be people from the Pittsburgh Region. By an even more staggering coincidence, most of those that are most qualified are the people that are in the positions currently.
Per your instructions, however, I have done additional background research on some other candidates that, in our prior conversations, you felt may be qualified for these positions:
City Information Systems Director
- Bill Gates - I personally contacted Mr. Gate's office regarding a job offer and his assistant assured me that he would probably be unwilling to take the 100,000% salary cut.
- My staff did some investigation and, despite the claims of the ads, the information systems of a major metropolitan area cannot be managed by an iPhone.
- Jim Motznik - While staff does appreciate your close relationship with the Councilman, he still hasn't completely gotten over the "blog meltdown" he had earlier this year.
- Ron Jeremy - As I said before, it's the Department of Public Works.
Equal Opportunity Review Commission Manager
- When you said that you wanted "That Black Guy from TV" I assumed that you meant Jesse Jackson, Kayne West, or Bill Cosby. None of these gentlemen are available. Dr. Cosby threw a pudding pop at me for asking.
- I was unable to find any handicapped African-American, gay, French-speaking, Buddhist, midgets anywhere. You may have to settle for a Mexican.
- Michael Richards - Despite the wacky adventures Kramer is sure to get in, this is probably a bad idea.
- Batman - It turns out that Batman is actually a fictional character of the DC Comics Universe and would, therefore, be unable to serve as Public Safety Director.
- Bruce Wayne – Bruce Wayne is Batman.
- Steely McBeam - Mr. McBeam is a man in a costume. The man in question lives in Ambridge and would be unwilling to relocate to the City of Pittsburgh.
- Robert Moses - Despite the work that he did to shape the face of New York, Mr. Moses has been dead since 1981, which will partially limit his effectiveness. That being said, it is well known that John P. Robin served as the head of the URA well after rigor mortis set in.
- I spoke with several doctors at UPMC and they made it quite clear to me that it was impossible to create a clone-hybrid of Matlock, Ally McBeal, and Judge Judy.
- Jim Ecker is available, but selection of him as Solicitor may raise more questions than we are prepared for.
- Swamp Thing - See "Batman," above.
- Mr. Waterheater – Mr. Waterheater is a catchy marketing ploy.
- Blue - This is a color.
- Pink Floyd – This is a band.
- Heywood Jablome, Hugh Jass, Ivanna Tinkle - I made repeated calls to the number you gave me (412.321.6460), but to no avail. They were awfully rude and hung up repeatedly.