Thursday, September 13, 2007

Memorandum

To: Luke Ravenstahl, Mayor, City of Pittsburgh

From: Yarone Zober, Chief of Staff

Re: Departmental Appointments

Date: September 12, 2007

At your request, I have undertaken a nationwide search for qualified applicants to fill the departmental director spots left vacant by your resignation request memo of June 15, 2007. By sheer coincidence, many of the most qualified persons for these positions happen to be people from the Pittsburgh Region. By an even more staggering coincidence, most of those that are most qualified are the people that are in the positions currently.

Per your instructions, however, I have done additional background research on some other candidates that, in our prior conversations, you felt may be qualified for these positions:

City Information Systems Director

  • Bill Gates - I personally contacted Mr. Gate's office regarding a job offer and his assistant assured me that he would probably be unwilling to take the 100,000% salary cut.
  • My staff did some investigation and, despite the claims of the ads, the information systems of a major metropolitan area cannot be managed by an iPhone.
Department of Public Works Director
  • Jim Motznik - While staff does appreciate your close relationship with the Councilman, he still hasn't completely gotten over the "blog meltdown" he had earlier this year.
  • Ron Jeremy - As I said before, it's the Department of Public Works.

Equal Opportunity Review Commission Manager
  • When you said that you wanted "That Black Guy from TV" I assumed that you meant Jesse Jackson, Kayne West, or Bill Cosby. None of these gentlemen are available. Dr. Cosby threw a pudding pop at me for asking.
  • I was unable to find any handicapped African-American, gay, French-speaking, Buddhist, midgets anywhere. You may have to settle for a Mexican.
  • Michael Richards - Despite the wacky adventures Kramer is sure to get in, this is probably a bad idea.
Public Safety Director
  • Batman - It turns out that Batman is actually a fictional character of the DC Comics Universe and would, therefore, be unable to serve as Public Safety Director.
  • Bruce Wayne – Bruce Wayne is Batman.
Bureau of Building Inspection
  • Steely McBeam - Mr. McBeam is a man in a costume. The man in question lives in Ambridge and would be unwilling to relocate to the City of Pittsburgh.
URA Executive Director
  • Robert Moses - Despite the work that he did to shape the face of New York, Mr. Moses has been dead since 1981, which will partially limit his effectiveness. That being said, it is well known that John P. Robin served as the head of the URA well after rigor mortis set in.
City Solicitor
  • I spoke with several doctors at UPMC and they made it quite clear to me that it was impossible to create a clone-hybrid of Matlock, Ally McBeal, and Judge Judy.
  • Jim Ecker is available, but selection of him as Solicitor may raise more questions than we are prepared for.
PWSA Executive Director
  • Swamp Thing - See "Batman," above.
  • Mr. Waterheater – Mr. Waterheater is a catchy marketing ploy.
HACP Executive Director
  • Blue - This is a color.
  • Pink Floyd – This is a band.
  • Heywood Jablome, Hugh Jass, Ivanna Tinkle - I made repeated calls to the number you gave me (412.321.6460), but to no avail. They were awfully rude and hung up repeatedly.
If worse comes to worse, Dennis R. is still available for any of these positions, I believe.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I can't breath I'm laughing so hard!

EdHeath said...

Yes - chuckle.

No this is pretty cool, man. Good stuff.

Bill Gates is a hack. He'd make everyone program in visual basic.

For city solicitor - Ted! Theodore Buckland! No? Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Good close.

lost faith in bill said...

PEDUTO RUNS FROM BURNING BUILDING... LIKE HE RAN FROM MAYOR'S RACE

Today Mayor Luke was practicing his fire fighting abilities at the Police and Fire Academy. Mr. Peduto, finding out the Mayor would be showing off his skills decided to stop by the Academy and do a little “fire fighting” of his own… Unlike Mayor Luke, Mr. Peduto instead showed off his lack of resolve and ran out of the building. Much like he did from the Mayors race. Maybe next time he wants to follow the Mayor he should be behind him in the Great Race… Not running into a burning building!

O said...

Go home, Bill, you're drunk.

Sherry said...

funniest thing i've read in awhile. good stuff! : )

Matt H said...

Good call on the HACP one.