Mayor's Office Announces "There is Absolutely No Cause for Concern"

The Mayor's Office of the City of Pittsburgh today assembled a hastily called together news conference to report that "There is absolutely no cause for concern."

An anxious looking Joanna Doven, Mayoral spokesperson, told the assembled press corps that "Everything is fine and there's nothing to worry about. At all. Period. Any rumors to the contrary are false. Everybody should go about their business as if nothing is going wrong... which it's not. We are asking all citizens to please remain calm in the face of nothing in particular. "

She continued, "The City is not bankrupt, City morale is not at an all time low, the Mayor is not doing coke off his mistress's thigh, and a giant radioactive lizard has not escaped from the Pittsburgh Zoo and is not trying to devour the Koppers Building. The shear thought of those events taking place is laughable. No one has been harmed in any way, and there is nothing - repeat nothing - to be worried about. Especially the whole lizard thing."

When asked by Rich Lord, the City Hall reporter for the Post-Gazette, why the news conference was called if nothing is is wrong, Ms. Doven shot back, "I don't come down to your desk and tell you how to lose Pulitzers, do I, Rich?"

Ms. Doven later advised those assembled that should any of those events happen that they should take cover immediately, but they aren't, so don't.

A frantic Yarone Zober rushed into the room in a hazmat suit and jumped out the window, abruptly ending the press conference.

The Mayor's Office could not be reached for further comments.