Pittsburgh Tribune Review blasts Allegheny Conference, Demands Fucking Pony

In advance of its 2008 annual meeting, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review lobbed a bomb at the Allegheny Conference on Community Development, demanding that the Conference make good on its promise of a fucking pony for every resident of Western Pennsylvania.

In the 1940s, local business and government leaders gathered under the banner of the Conference to clear soot-filled skies, to lead a Downtown building renaissance and to spur area growth. The pro-business establishment, headed by Richard King Mellon, and the Democratic political machine, headed by mayor David L. Lawrence, joined hands forming the backbone of community and economic development in the region. Both Mr. Lawrence and Mr. Mellon were extensively lobbied by an international Pony cartel, although records of formal exchanges have been lost. .

"We have wasted too many years not focusing on the kind of things that can make Pennsylvania and the Pittsburgh area grow better," said Jake Haulk, president of the Allegheny Institute for Public Policy, a Castle Shannon-based think tank. "If the ACCD can't provide us with fucking ponies, then they are completely and utterly worthless as a not-for-profit, public/private booster and organizer for the City of Pittsburgh."

Conference officials and its business backers insist it has no clue what critics are talking about.

"You are going to get opinions all over the board as to whether or not we're working on the right things, whether or not we're effective in working on the right things," said conference CEO Michael Langley. "But what's undeniable is, we have never promised anyone a rose garden, let alone a fucking pony."

"I mean, hell," added ACCD CEO Jim Rohr, "do you have any fucking idea how many fucking things are wrong with this goddamned region. Christ! You have Senators fighting Mayors, Big Businesses fighting Small Businesses, and a bunch of fucking, whiny sons-of-bitches with their thumbs up their butts complaining that nothing is getting fucking done. And on top of that, these motherfuckers want fucking ponies."

Mr. Rohr refused to comment on previous Conference promises for sunshine and rainbow farting unicorns as part of the Pittsburgh 250 Celebration, as he was lead away for a higher dose of his medication.