The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: A Bureaucrat's Aside

The Rules of Bureaucracy

Rule #O: "The Rules of Bureaucracy are mutable, non-canonical, non-ordinal, and contradictory, except in the cases where they are not."
Rule #1: "Document everything you do; if you didn't write it down, it didn't happen."
Rule #2 [The Sixty Minutes Rule]: "Never do anything that would cause Ed Bradley, Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, Steve Croft, Leslie Stahl, or even Andy Rooney to persue you down a hallway with a camera crew."
Rule #3: "Nothing Simple is Ever Easy"
Rule #4: "It's about the money; follow the money."
Rule #5: "Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Rule #6: "Politics is the enemy of good government."
Rule #7: "The biggest detriment to public service is the public."
Rule #8: "The second biggest detriment to public service is the service."
Rule #9: "There's a reason; there's ALWAYS a reason."
Rule #10: "The Law is a harsh mistress: The rigorous and exacting application of which can benefit of society when used correctly to advance good policy and block bad, and be the bane of society when used incorrectly to advance bad policy and block good."
Rule #11: "Public service often involves waking up in the morning, opening up the newspaper, and discovering that someone, somewhere out there thinks that you're a dickhead."
Rule #12: "No one really knows what you do."
Rule #13 [Luke's Rule]: "No one ever acts like the bastard they really are."
Rule #14: "Bureaucracy endures."
Rule #15: "The longer you work in bureaucracy, the more Catch-22 resembles non-fiction."
Rule #16: "Politicians are not smarter than you."
Rule #18: "Money is not created equal."
Rule #19: "Mediocrity is normalcy."
Rule #17: "Within any bureaucratic structure, resources (e.g. people, money, knowledge, etc.) are not distributed uniformly."
Rule #20: "Don't assume a fiduciary liability without a committed resource allocation."
Rule #21: "If you do your job and obey the law, they can't reasonably fire you."
Rule #22: "The Budget will always be wrong."
Rule #23: "Always sign in blue."
Rule #24: "A Bureaucrat must be able to explain and justify his/her actions to laymen without resorting to the phrase 'because the Rules say so.'"
Rule #25: "Never voluntarily relinquish control of an original document."
Rule #26: "Sometimes you just have to say 'Screw the rules'"
Rule #27: "Change sucks."
Rule #28: "Sometimes the answer is 'No.'"
Rule #29: "It is very easy to make difficult decisions when no one has a clue what's going on."
Rule #30: "If you hang around long enough, eventually you will become an expert in something."
Rule #31: "Data, technology, and automatic processes can never completely supplant human interaction."
Rule #32: "Cover thine own ass."
Rule #33: "It's not real until it has its own acronym."
Rule #34:There is nothing more dangerous than an elected, resourceful idiot.
Rule #35: It will always take longer than expected.
Rule #36: Coming Soon...

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

A Bureaucrat's Aside

I appreciate the sentiment the Mayor is trying to convey by "changing" his name from Ravenstahl to "Steelerstahl," but there are plenty of Pittsburgh residents that could offer up a more *ahem* fitting name for Hizzoner.

Most of those names, however, are unprintable or unmentionable in reputable media venues or even KQV.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...: But I'm confused..."stahl" is German for "steel." So the Mayor's name now translates as "SteelerSteel" or "SteelSteeler?"

Is that redundant? Oh wait, I answered my own question.; 8:39 PM
Anonymous said...: My German is rusty, but I believe it's pronounced "doosh-bag".; 8:52 PM
n'at said...: I would like to believe that this was the mayor's YEEEEAAAAH!!!111 moment, a la Howard Dean Iowa scream, but I'm sure the majority of voters won't give a whoot.

Anon: I think it's only an issue if your German and unacquainted with American football. Honestly, what are the odds???; 8:58 PM
IOZ said...: Yeah, but what kind of awesome swag do ya think Shiela Dixon put up for the "friendly bet"?; 10:03 AM
Conservative Mountaineer said...: IOZ...

Ms. Dixon probably said she'd give 'Lil Lukey some cool gift cards to Baltimore stores... she has some extra. [For those who don't know, Mayor Dixon was recentaly charged with stealing gift cards given for needy children and then going shopping using those cards. Yes, she's a "D".]; 3:07 PM
Anonymous said...: So?

Been sleeping...

Nice to see we have new Mayor. Old one was to Mechanical...

Good to see, Luke!

monk; 5:35 PM
Anonymous said...: I will be wearing WW1 helmet, English, I think...

...painted black, with "steeler gold stripe, hand-painted down center...insignia on right side"

Didn't have chance to affix proper beer containers with plastic tubing. to helmet..

My heart is properly affixed!

Go "Steelersthal"!

Hope Steelers don't, "stahl".

monk

See you at rally?; 5:48 PM
Anonymous said...: "The Rules of Bureaucracy..." The rules that gover'n thought on this site...

Chuck Davis, I thought you were gone'r...

The Rules, are as you said!

Rule # (?)...

"What makes you think, that they think?"

My friend...miss you.

monk; 6:21 PM

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The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

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Wednesday, January 14, 2009

A Bureaucrat's Aside

8 comments:

Recorded in the Office of the Prothonotary

Public Comment Period

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Adjourned sine die

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