Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Campaign Finance Reform

The County Chief Executive and his Boy Luke got together yesterday to announce that they plan to introduce a campaign finance law for both the city and county.

The legislation, which they will introduce to City and County Council on Thursday, will limit personal donations to political campaigns to $4,600 a year and Political Action Committees can give up to $10,000 a year.

The draft legislation is still being reviewed, they said, to determine how the law will deal with the so-called "millionaires' exception"-- wealthy individuals who may choose to self-fund their campaigns.
Personally, this law is doomed to failure and, frankly, there's a better way.

Let me start by saying, I should never be a candidate for anything. I have really bad ideas about running Cities/Counties/States/Nations/School Boards and a really bad system of beliefs and personal habits. For example:
* I don't like highways and want to blow them up;
* I think that sports in schools should be funded as much as arts and music;
* I want to tax the hell out of the rich;
* I believe in abortion up to the 20th trimester;
* I hate broccoli and would make it illegal as a form of torture;
* I drink too much at breakfast;
* I tend to steal things like silverware, towels, and installation sculptures;
* In the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, I support the Mexicans;
* I comment loudly in public that all African-Americans and Asian Americans look like each other;
* I remove street chairs in the Southside, and move them to Lawrenceville
* I've been known to kick puppies...

And so forth. Suffice it to say, I am not a good person, let alone a good candidate for any office, ever.

However, there's this voice in the back of my head that says "Run for office! Run for office even if it means that you'll doom whatever office you might win!" If I run and actually win, you all are, and let's be fair here, screwed. And, you know what, I can fake enough charm and charisma that you'll probably be fooled for long enough to vote for me!

So here's the deal: I will not run for office, if you pay me. That's right, I will not screw you over in exchange for a generous donation to my Political Inaction Committee.

Now, you may think that this is some sort of blackmail, but really it's just the voters expressing their opinion (via monitory contribution) on the political direction of the City/County/State/Nation/School Board. You are concerned about what kind of nutty, bizarre policy that I may come up with during my tenure. For example, I may decide that Welsh needs to be mandatory in all schools or that socks must be worn on the hands at all times or that left handed people have to move to their own camps.

That's my pitch: donate to me or I will mess up your lives. Frankly, if this plan was picked up by others, I think you could get a lot of elected officials to also stop running for office and agree to stop messing up your lives.

I will accept cash, credit card, or stereo equipment.


Anonymous said...

Want an 8-track? Nobody on Craig's list is biting.

Anonymous said...

Where do i send my check?