Grand Jury Indicts Entire City of Harrisburg

A statewide grand jury has accused the entire City of Harrisburg, in a wide-ranging investigation into multiple different charges ranging from murder to removing tags from mattresses.

This summer, several aides to high level legislators testified before the grand jury that hundreds of thousands of Harrisburgers had committed thousands of crimes. Investigators believe that these residents did, with malice and forethought, intend on committing criminal acts.

Attorney General Tom Corbett, who led the investigation and who is charged with armed robbery, said that while the investigation has taken untold numbers of man hours, the results were "well worth it."

"This just goes to prove that the entire City of Harrisburg, from the Governor to the guy that sleeps on Front Street is guilty of something and should be locked away forever." Mr. Corbett was then led away in chains.

Governor Ed Rendell issued a statement from Dauphin County Prison saying that he was "disappointed" in the City and that he would appreciate a "Ile-fay" in a "Ake-cay".

State Police closed in on the State Legislature as they voted on a bill to legalize table gaming, an obvious trap set up by the Attorney General's office. A warrant has been issued for State Senator Jay Costa who did not make the session. He is believed to be hiding with his brothers Dom, Guy, Jermaine, and Tito.

The Grand Jury is expected to hand down more indictments involving Centre County and the 3100 through 3300 blocks of Winter Street in Philadelphia.