Monday, December 21, 2009

Ravenstahl, Universities Reach Agreement

University of Pittsburgh President Mark Nordenberg and President of the ΓΟΠ Fraternity, Luke Ravenstahl, reached an agreement today that would not revoke the fraternity's charter in advance of the Homecoming Game.

"We do not think that it's right to extort money from the college," said Nordenberg at a press conference, "but fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life."

Both Nordenberg and Ravenstahl have been at loggerheads regarding the responsibility of fees in lieu of taxes for the Fraternity, as well as the presence of a dead horse in the President's office.

President Ravenstahl issued a statement saying, "The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our female party guests - we did. You can't hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you - isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America."

Details of the agreement were not released, but sources close to the story indicate that the Fraternity will be lifted from double secret probation and will be returned their stuff, even the stuff they didn't steal. In exchange, the Homecoming parade will not be disrupted by marbles, tanks, or Kevin Bacon.

The ΓΟΠ Fraternity has been accused with dumping a truckload of fizzies into the swim meet, delivering the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner, filling the trees with underwear every Halloween, and making the toilets explode every spring.

The Fraternity will be holding their annual Toga Party next Friday, which, they remind everyone, "will not be an orgy."

Details on the full scope of the deal are still forthcoming.

No comments: