Monday, December 21, 2009

Greentree Man Accepts Responsibility for Muffed On-side Kick

Local Steelers fan Tony "Duckman" Sculluci issued a statement today apologizing for a failed on-side kick that nearly resulted in a loss to the Green Bay Packers yesterday at Heinz Field.

Mr. Sculluci had inadvertently allowed a friend identified only a "Joey" to momentarily place an Iron City beer onto his Terrible Towel, following a fourth quarter touchdown.

"We were all there in the rumpus room, and I had just finishing waving it and I put it down to grab some more nachos, when 'Joey' goes and puts his beer down on the towel. Next thing I know *BAM*! 9 Yards. I should have been more careful."

Insiders speculate that "Joey" is known Cleveland Browns fan Joseph Carey, a long time college friend of Mr. Sculluci, who may have purposefully placed the beer on the towel in order to guarantee a Steelers loss. Calls to the Carey residence were not returned.

Pittsburgh sports analyst and commentator Guy Junker says that this was probably not Mr. Sculluci's fault.

"I'm sure that the Steelers Organization appreciates the dedication of it's fan base and how personal they take the team's record, but one man's actions at home would not explain the poor execution of that play, especially considering the recent string of losses. If anything, it means that there are thousands of fans that are not wearing their lucky jerseys, aren't listen to the radio during the game, or haven't touched their Myron Cope bobble head doll prior to the game. Pittsburgh fans everywhere really need to step up their game."

A Steelers Nationwide alert has been issued by the Rooney Family. Steelers fans are encouraged to double their "fandemonium" and the team has shifted money away from the Offensive Line and Special Teams budgets to assist in these efforts.

Mr. Sculluci, however, remains penitent.

"I always knew that I had a mystical bond with my team, but I had no idea that it was directly connected to their ability to execute onside kicks. For that I am truly sorry."

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