Local Man Actually Does Need "Supplies"

When Scott Cznewski of Mt. Lebanon heard about the incoming winter storm, he didn't immediately rush out to buy toilet paper, milk, and bread. Like the nearly dozens of rational residents in the region, he decided that he can wait out the nearly eight hours of inconvenience. Mr. Cznewski, however, was in for a shock: he was out of toilet paper.

"It didn't hit me until after the fourth Taco Bell burrito. There I was dropping the kids off at the pool, reading a back issue of 'Entertainment Weekly', when I realized I was down to my last two feet of TP. I knew that if I didn't act fast, I would be using old gym socks to 'do clean-up duty,' if you know what I mean."

Mr. Cznewski's troubles, however, were just about to begin. The Giant Eagle on Cochrane Road was already packed with people picking up "essentials" for the coming winter storm. Shoppers loaded their carts with milk, eggs, bread, fruit, diapers, toilet paper, cigarettes, and other miscellaneous sundries necessary to survive 12 inches of snow. Shelves were picked nearly clean, with only such items as "canned bread" and "pickled giblets" available for last minute, panicked shoppers.

One of those panicked shoppers, Elsie Greenblatt said that she literally feared that she and her family would not make it to Monday.

"My children drink about a gallon of milk a week, but I know that as soon as the first flake drops, they're going to drink it all. That's why I'm buying 17 gallons, just in case. Plus my husband Saul really likes those pizza roll things, so I'm buying a palette of them in case we're snowed in until June."

Thousands of people like Ms. Greenblatt had already taken the toilet paper, desperately needed by Mr. Czenewski, leaving him with few options.

Dr. Don Jones, a researcher at Carnegie Mellon University's Center for Weather and Psychology say that this type of hording is an irrational response to media frenzy.

"We believe that we, as a society, are unprepared for these types of events that we completely lose sight of how ridiculous this level of panicking is. Most U.S. homes are well stocked or overly stocked with essentials and, given today's levels of public service, the blizzard that once killed hundreds is now reduced to a slow commute come Monday Morning."

Dr. Jones was unavailable for further comment as he was "down to his last case of turkey gravy."

For Mr. Cznewski, however, there is a happy ending.

"Despite all I had to go through, I did finally get what I needed. I also learned that People Magazine is more soft and absorbent than Teen People."