Monday, March 15, 2010

BREAKING NEWS: Luke Ravenstahl Assassinated on Floor of City Council Chambers

At an early morning pre-Agenda hearing, Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl was assassinated by members of City Council and other members of the Mayor's Inner Circle.

Mr. Ravenstahl arrived at Council Chambers early to discus a revision to Councilman Ricky Burgess's Living Wage Bill, when he was approached by Councilman Doug Shields. As other Councilpersons began to gather closer to him, the Mayor waved them away, but Councilman Bill Peduto pushed him down into a spectator seat. Mr. Ravenstahl was heard to exclaim "This is violence!" (In Latin: Ista quidem vis est!), before an on-rush of councilpersons and Mayor's Office staff persons rushed at him.

Within moments, the entire group, including Mayoral adviser John Verbanac, was striking out at the Mayor. Ravenstahl attempted to get away, but, blinded by blood, he tripped and fell; the mob continued stabbing him as he lay defenseless in the chambers. According to the Allegheny County Medical Examiner's office, the Mayor had been stabbed 23 times, with only one fatal blow.

According to City Clerk Linda Johnson, the Mayor's last words were heard to be "You too Verbanac my Son?"

At a hastily assembled press conference immediately after the assassination, Mr. Verbanac announced "People of Pittsburgh, we are once again free!"

Mayoral Chief of Staff Yarone Zober, the Mayor's infant son Cooper, and Director of Public Safety Michael Huss fled to Monroeville after a stirring eulogy by Mr. Zober.

Erin Ravenstahl, the wife of the now late Mayor, reportedly had informed the Mayor of a dream she had about the assassination attempt and a homeless man on Smithfield street had reportedly warned the Mayor to "Beware March 15th." Both warnings were left unheeded.

Control of the City now reverts back to City Council, who is expecting a protracted struggle with Mr. Zober, Mr. Huss, and the Young Ravenstahl.

Local Government insiders speculate that this action may precipitate the fall of the Pittsburgh Home Rule Charter.


Anonymous said...

Not funny. Unsubscribe.

O said...

Et tu, Anonymous?

Maria said...

"...stabbed 23 times, with only one fatal blow."