Sunday, February 22, 2009

Sen. Roland Burris Admits to "Questionable Activities"

(Newswire) Washington D.C. - On a day which he asked his critics to stop hounding him, Illinois Junior Senator Roland Burris has publicly admitted to a series of questionable activities that put his senatorial seat in jeopardy.

In the wake of ongoing investigations, Burris has already admitted that he talked to several people in the Blagojevich campaign, including the governor's brother and finance chairman, who asked for help in raising money for the governor. New statements by Burris, however, have indicated that other, more sinister activities may have also taken place.

In a written statement to the Illinois State Ethics Commission, Sen. Burris admitted to a series of activities including,

- Actively soliciting campaign contributions for the former Governor;
- Approaching the Obama administration on behalf of the Governor for some sort of Federal Appointment;
- Failing to file Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner's tax returns correctly;
- Giving the Governor advice on hair products;
- Being responsible for canceling Arrested Development;
- Greenlighting multiple Razzie award winner The Hottie and the Nottie;
- Certifying the location of WMDs in Iraq.
- Shooting himself and distant cousin Plaxico Buress in the leg in a crowded night club with his own, unsecured weapon; and
- Being the long lost Lindbergh Baby.
When asked why these things were not revealed during previous state inquiries and affidavits, Sen. Burris responded that "No one had asked."

Burris has spent 30 years in Illinois politics, including a term as attorney general, and unsuccessful runs for governor, senator and Chicago mayor. Detractors have criticized his recent statements by saying that no one with his experience could be this naive to think these events would never come to light.

Federal Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald refused to give specifics, as the Blagojevich case remains an open investigation, but said that the new revelations were "troubling."

In a followup written statement, Senator Burris said that he "didn't understand what the big fuss was all about," and that everyone should just "drop it" and let him be Senator.

Both Chicago news papers and all five fans of Arrested Development have called for Burris' immediate resignation.

1 comment:

The Expatriate said...

Funny post, dude. I'm going to feature it on my blog.