The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: The Cause of (and Solution to) this Blog

The Rules of Bureaucracy

Rule #O: "The Rules of Bureaucracy are mutable, non-canonical, non-ordinal, and contradictory, except in the cases where they are not."
Rule #1: "Document everything you do; if you didn't write it down, it didn't happen."
Rule #2 [The Sixty Minutes Rule]: "Never do anything that would cause Ed Bradley, Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, Steve Croft, Leslie Stahl, or even Andy Rooney to persue you down a hallway with a camera crew."
Rule #3: "Nothing Simple is Ever Easy"
Rule #4: "It's about the money; follow the money."
Rule #5: "Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Rule #6: "Politics is the enemy of good government."
Rule #7: "The biggest detriment to public service is the public."
Rule #8: "The second biggest detriment to public service is the service."
Rule #9: "There's a reason; there's ALWAYS a reason."
Rule #10: "The Law is a harsh mistress: The rigorous and exacting application of which can benefit of society when used correctly to advance good policy and block bad, and be the bane of society when used incorrectly to advance bad policy and block good."
Rule #11: "Public service often involves waking up in the morning, opening up the newspaper, and discovering that someone, somewhere out there thinks that you're a dickhead."
Rule #12: "No one really knows what you do."
Rule #13 [Luke's Rule]: "No one ever acts like the bastard they really are."
Rule #14: "Bureaucracy endures."
Rule #15: "The longer you work in bureaucracy, the more Catch-22 resembles non-fiction."
Rule #16: "Politicians are not smarter than you."
Rule #18: "Money is not created equal."
Rule #19: "Mediocrity is normalcy."
Rule #17: "Within any bureaucratic structure, resources (e.g. people, money, knowledge, etc.) are not distributed uniformly."
Rule #20: "Don't assume a fiduciary liability without a committed resource allocation."
Rule #21: "If you do your job and obey the law, they can't reasonably fire you."
Rule #22: "The Budget will always be wrong."
Rule #23: "Always sign in blue."
Rule #24: "A Bureaucrat must be able to explain and justify his/her actions to laymen without resorting to the phrase 'because the Rules say so.'"
Rule #25: "Never voluntarily relinquish control of an original document."
Rule #26: "Sometimes you just have to say 'Screw the rules'"
Rule #27: "Change sucks."
Rule #28: "Sometimes the answer is 'No.'"
Rule #29: "It is very easy to make difficult decisions when no one has a clue what's going on."
Rule #30: "If you hang around long enough, eventually you will become an expert in something."
Rule #31: "Data, technology, and automatic processes can never completely supplant human interaction."
Rule #32: "Cover thine own ass."
Rule #33: "It's not real until it has its own acronym."
Rule #34:There is nothing more dangerous than an elected, resourceful idiot.
Rule #35: It will always take longer than expected.
Rule #36: Coming Soon...

Friday, January 14, 2005

The Cause of (and Solution to) this Blog

So originally when this blog was pitched to me on Monday, the idea was that I was supposed to be drunk every time I wrote in it. I thought this was funny, but there are several problems with this concept:

(1) As I drink more, I become much more incoherent and lose my ability to type. And while this holds tremendous comedic potential, it also means that I may slip and reveal some dark sordid secret like my fantasy involving Lindsay Lohan, a bottle of butterscotch syrup, and...

WHOA! Almost had me there. I can't give away too much, not now.

Moving on.

(2) I may post at work if the fancy strikes me.... and they will fire my ass if I'm drunk... even for a noble cause such as this.

(3) I may post in the morning. Drinking before noon is sad.

(4) If I'm prolific, people are going to think I'm drunk all the time. And then someone is going to call an intervention. And then I'll spend weeks in rehab. And then I won't be able to post. QED

So Drunk AND Angry... either one or both. If you have a problem with drinking, assume that I just have a chip on my shoulder... If you have a problem with anger, assume that I'm ripped.

If you have a problem with both... well, you probably didn't make it this far in the post.

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The post was brought to you by: VODKA MARTINI.

The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

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Friday, January 14, 2005

The Cause of (and Solution to) this Blog

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