Increase the Size of Your Insurance by 9"

One of the things I wish this blog to be is a sounding board for those parts of the bureaucratic life that really bug me.

One of the other things I wish this blog to be is a vehicle for communication between myself and Mr. Timi Ooloo, who is apparently a Nigerian Businessman who needs help with rescuing $2.4 million from a closed state-run bank account. He's also promised to increase the size of my wang by 9".

But let's stay on topic #1 for now; we can talk about my Nigerian Wang issues later.

THE BUREAUCRACY needs insurance under Federal/State/Local law and because the lawyers, who bill hourly, need more work to do. So, my job is to go find insurance for THE BUREAUCRACY. No problem; we've used the same insurance broker for the last 6 years.

I call 'em up, get the form, send it back, and wait for some confirmation that they've received my form and I owe them the balance of the premium.

Only nothing comes.

Days go by... weeks... months...

I, of course, am distracted by other issues and don't notice until I get a NOTICE OF CANCELLATION from the provider. Turns out we've never paid them for the insurance. Immediately I call the broker... she's not in... try back tomorrow.

Eventually (like after 3 days) I get hold of her; turns out that she never put our request in the Accounts Payable system and therefore we never got invoiced, she never noticed and never called to warn us. Basically, we need to get the check to her, now. So, I do a 100 mph dash to the finance department, cut a check, and rush it off to her.

And I wait.

Days go by... weeks... months...

I call the broker... she's not in... try back tomorrow, next week, next month...

I send a nasty-gram: "GIVE US OUR PROOF OF INSURANCE OR WE RIP YOUR BALLS OFF!!"

OK, it didn't say that; it said "GIVE US OUR PROOF OF INSURANCE OR WE STOP PAYMENT ON YOUR CHECK!!" Only not in all caps. Or in bold. Or in red. And I think I used the phrase "kindly remit," but you could tell that I really meant to say "kindly remit, asshole."

But then, surprisingly, they cashed our check.

"Success," we think, "if they've cashed our check, they're now obligated to give us our proof of insurance."

Sadly, no. We received a refund check from the insurance provider, but nothing to say "we cancelled your policy" or "we apologize" or "please don't beat us". Nothing. Nothing except this weird feeling that we've been left on the side of the road with just a suitcase, one day's worth of water, a dozen ferrets in our pants, and a very angry and jealous mime pursuing us with a sniper rifle.

So our insurance broker of 6 years has "wanged" us over, with not so much as an apology. We will never use them again.

The moral(s) of the story: (1) Don't screw a reliable client. (2) You have a better chance growing your wang 9" through the Nigerian Businessman Scam than getting what you want from an insurance company.